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Loooong time since last post but could use a little help, I think?

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  • Loooong time since last post but could use a little help, I think?

    Hey all,

    It's literally been years since I joined up and posted anything here but I'm having a bit of a dilemma.

    I've always been socially awkward and have had trouble striking up conversations with random people. In time I developed the skills to overcome this problem and as a result I'm quite a good conversationalist providing the other person is open to conversation (and isn't a complete fool). I've been working for myself as a massage therapist for a few years now as a way to 1. help other people 2. do a job I enjoy and 3. push myself into scenarios where I have to pay more attention to the individual on the table and determine whether or not conversation is wanted during the time of treatment. These little things may not seem like much but they've helped me overcome my social anxieties to a rather large degree but...


    I'm still struggling with the dating scene.

    I'm trying to work out what I'm doing wrong as everything seems to either end in the friendzone even though I try to be clear at the beginning of the relationship without being pushy or desperate as to what my intentions are (looking for a relationship, not a random tryst) or she breaks off contact altogether. However that only happens if we get past the initial "physical attraction stage".

    I'm a red head.

    There I said it (this is your chance to run and hide), jokes aside, as a red head I've experienced more negative behaviour, bad personalities and poor attitudes from different backgrounds simply for having red hair (lots of bullying and abuse from friends, family and those who aren't friends) much to the detriment of my confidence and self esteem. On the dating scene I've noticed women I've dealt with will immediately lose interest once they realise I have red hair. I've tested this on numerous occasions by either witholding photo's or bleaching my hair a more blonde colour. I get a better response by having a hair colour other than red.

    From this post so far it would seem I might be scaring these other women off by my own insecurity with my appearance but in all chances for socialising and relationship building I've avoided any hint or suggestion I have a problem. I've always tried my best to come across as cool and composed, sincere and respectful, a little bit cheeky and flirty and I'm not afraid to poke a bit of fun at myself. On a few occasions I have come across as a little desperate and that's something I've had to learn the hard way but in other cases I'm really struggling to understand why I'm not even given a chance at a conversation.

    I'm a member with eHarmony. I've sent a few messages to other ladies who, according to the matching system we seem to share a number of interests and beliefs. Five ladies in total. Two have sneakily included instructions in their profile to contact them through Facebook which I did and I've recently noticed they blocked me from contacting them again. No reply or even attempt to have a chat. The other three I've been waiting on a reply for over three weeks and have given up on them as well. I've also been a member with a few other online dating services but I don't get any interest unless I withold the photo. A lady will ask to see my face and then I'll never hear from her again.

    While this is only online dating which really doesn't account for much I've had pretty much the same experience outside of the 'net. Things such as just saying hello and introducing myself to a woman only to have her roll her eyes and walk away or on another occasion have a running conversation over a number of weeks with a young lady only for her to break off contact once she realised I wasn't married (for some reason she thought I was married).

    Now professionally, while I haven't earned much in the way of assets I have achieved a fair amount: Qualified Electrician, Qualified Traffic Controller, Qualified Massage Therapist, Qualification in Business Management as well as owned and operated a small business in a difficult local economy (Tourism reliant and unemployment level around 16%) and in July I'm going back to Uni to do additional studies and work my way up to a Bachelors Degree in either Medical Imaging and/or Medicine/Surgery. Financially I'm not exactly secure (honestly I'm struggling) but these women have no way of knowing that. Socially, I have no close friends in this town I'm in (been here a few years now) and that can influence a woman's decision for getting to know a guy better but again they have no real way of knowing that. I don't feel like my social or financial situation is influencing other women's decision to move on so to speak.

    I can't help but feel I'm not attractive enough to have even an average** looking partner and these constant rejections with no indications of what I'm doing wrong is driving me crazy to the point I'm actually quite sick of living and being alone. Am I fair to say I'm not being given a chance because of my appearance? Let me paint a picture: 185cm, slender build with wide shoulders, red wavey hair (more strawberry blonde/polished bronze than red), pale complexion, age lines/creases on my face (think Tommy Lee Jones but as a 27 year old), green eyes and acne scars from cystic acne as a teenager (one spot on each cheek about 1 inch in diameter).

    I guess I don't really know what I'm asking... I'm not even sure what I want anymore... I think I'm confused and just having a mindless rant...

    Note: **When I say average I'm describing someone I don't feel any immediate physical desire for but can develop a strong personal relationship with if we get to know each other better. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    I've had enough of typing for now...

  • From reading your descriptions of your life, I am under the impression that you are introverted but have became less so due to the requirements of your job. Although some have made comments on your hair color, I think you ascribe too much of your social awkwardness to it. I assume your hair is flaming red, because that is the red color that gets the carrot top type of comments (my hair is more brown but it does have some red, which came from my mother's much more red hair).

    I am curious about the conversations that led to you being blocked on facebook. Would you be willing to release them on this forum? Maybe some clues of what not to do are in them. Once you know what not to do, good advice on what to do can be given.

    Good for you for continuing your education.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • Please keep writing, I am attracted to the way you speak No joke, that was entertaining, interesting and what qualifications.. Strawberry blonde, bronze, a bit of tough man image, via scars wouldn't bother me one bit.

      When I receive a massage (SHHHHHHHHHHHH) that's it, I am there to relaxxxxx

      One word. Superficial.

      I am discusted that you mention (family) in the ribbing, that sucks. But, the internet world? Good to see you back Honestly, 90% of them don't really know what they are after, not in the true sense. It's all superficial, it's about how much money you have and if you look appealing to "them" they don't care about anything else and alot also, are just there for fun. But, at 25-30 and they are still single? Get it?

      You know exactly what you want in life, you know exactly how to read people, exactly how to make people laugh.. You've got it all going on. Just quit the dating sites or not take them seriously and get out into the real world more whereby women can experience what I did, just by reading that post....



      • From what I understand of online dating, you need to be talking to a dozen people, more, to get one face-to-face meeting, so I wouldn't base anything on 5 women. Imagine, the 5 women you were talking with are also talking to 12-20 other people. Some of them may have been chatting with these other folks long before you came into the pictures. Just do the numbers. Don't take it personally. That's online dating.

        The red hair - every red head I've known has flawnted their red head and used it to make conversation. Be confident in it. Your insecurities come out even when you are doing everything to mask it. Go out there and shout out "I have red hair and I love it!" There is always somebody out there that is turned on by red hair.
        Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)


        • Do you participate in any clubs or hobbies that would get you in an environment to meet like-minded, single women? A book club, a rotary club, whatever sparks your interest. Even if you don't find single women through this avenue, you'll most definitely find some friends, which is always a bonus. And who knows - those friends might just have a wonderful single friend who you would just love

          In my experience (or well, my friends' experiences), I've found that people have had better luck finding a partner through natural reoccuring interactions like frequenting the same gym, volunteering for the same charitable cause, etc, then they ever do participating in the online dating scene. You just don't know a person's true personality or their motives by what their profiles say, no matter what they say or what answers they give on personality quizzes.

          Get out there with your lovely bronze hair and your improved conversation skills, and meet some ladies in a neutral setting doing something you both enjoy


          • Going off what you said, not even reading what anyone else responded with, here's my all important 2 cents (sarcasm).

            I'm awkward too. Hi. News flash, we're awesome. Haha I had a waitressing job a few years ago to help me chill with my anxiety a bit. It helped. Now, I'm still awkward as anything, BUT it's endearing now. I'll be the first to point out I said something horribly awkward, I did something that looked stupid, whatever. Generally people get along well with me cause I'm such a goof, they don't have to worry about being perfect. Bottom line in saying all that, I getcha.

            Now, you seem pretty set on the issue being your appearance. My superficial opinion is to cut your hair short (if it's not already, I'm assuming it's not since you said it's wavy...so it's long enough you can see it's wavy...). Personally, I find ANY guy, with ANY color hair more attractive when it's short. My fiancee is in the military--perfect hair cut/length, in my opinion.
            Oh, and if they're gonna be that stupid because of hair color, they need someone to give them a wake-up call. Time for someone to grow up there.

            And touching on the "friendzone" thing. SIGH. I'm probably going to be the minority here, but you should WANT to get into a friendzone... My fiancee and I were best friends first. Had he not been my friend, I never would have dated him (not cause he's weird looking or anything haha just because I'd rather KNOW the person before I date them). To me, dating isn't to get to know the person, it's to decide if you really want to be with them for the long haul. Cause knowing someone and seeing if you want to marry them are 2 totally different stages.
            I tell all my guy friends that if a girl can't see them as a friend first, I'm not too sure that's the kind of girl they should want to be with. I mean that wholeheartedly.


            • My boyfriend is a ginger and so is his son. Red hair, pale skin, freckles and electric blue eyes. He's a smart ******, sarcastic, intelligent, artistic, goofy, socially awkward (he can barely stand being in a crowded mall and refuses to go to any gatherings, even at the apartment complex where it's only the attendants; ie our neighbors). But I love him. Which is why I gave him my virginity. My point; it can happen for you. I met the man I love through the internet, being 600miles of long distance from each other for almost a year and now we live together with his only child. While life is rough, and yes sadly it seems that red heads bear the brunt of much bullying, there is still hope. Perhaps change up the type of women you usually try for. You'll find a woman who will fall for you.


              • Mansview: one of the most important things you can develop in this life is a thick skin and the ability to not give a ******** about what other people think. I was reassuring a red headed girl not too long ago, and I pointed out that Isla Fisher, one of the worlds most beautiful women is a red head.

                I have a friend who is ginger and he does alright with the girls, in fact he's getting married next year in Ibiza.

                It's not that women so much dislike red hair, what women find off-putting, or at least hard to deal with, is HOW MUCH IT BOTHERS YOU. NO mater what the women say, women are attracted to confidence, which includes self assuredness, this is often subconscious so they aren't even aware of it.

                There is nothing wrong with you, if it was that bad every ginger guy would be unable to find a GF, thus be unable to procreate and ginger people would have become extinct a long time ago. This is clearly not the case.

                I think you're overestimating the negative effect of your red hair. I've heard women give men the brush off because their shoes didn't match their belt. One thing women do - younger women especially - is make irrational snap judgements about men early on in the courting process, shooting them down for the most ridiculous reasons. Whenever I hear women complaining that they can't find a 'nice' boyfriend I say the next time you meet someone interesting - give him a fair chance, hear him out - don't send him packing just because he tells you he has a stamp collection or a DVD of birds of prey or whatever. One of my best looking friends joined plenty of fish and only got one reply! One email! He didn't even get a date!

                I'm off to walk the dog now, to be continued...
                "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]



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