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Advice Needed- where do you draw the line with a "commitment phobe"

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  • Advice Needed- where do you draw the line with a "commitment phobe"

    I have recently started seeing a guy who I first dated just over a year ago. The first time round he called things off because he said he could see things with me progressing to something he couldn't commit to as he had 'commitment issues'. Three weeks later I find out he has started a long-distance relationship with a girl he met up North. Obviously I was upset and struggled to get over it.
    Over the eight months he was with her he would continue to contact me every few weeks, ask how I was, ask if I was seeing anyone new. He would reminisce about us being together. I felt as though I couldn't get rid of him or get over him because he kept popping up again.
    Two months ago I started hearing from him more frequently then he tells me he has dumped this long-distance girl. He said he wasn't feeling it anymore with her. Almost immediately he started asking to see me again. Me, still having feelings for him, decided to take the chance and start seeing him again. He told me from the outset that he doesn't want anything serious yet but he really likes me and wants to keep seeing me on a casual basis. Having just stopped dating someone myself, I initially said I was okay with this arrangement.
    His contact with me now is sporadic; sometimes he contacts me every day and seems very keen, then I won't hear from him for days. He always follows the same pattern- I will go to his flat or we'll go on a date, I might spend the night, we'll be really close and couple-like... then afterwards I won't hear from him. I will think he has lost interest and just when I'm resigning myself to that, he will pop up again and reel me back in.
    Two years ago he was in a very serious relationship with a girl who completely broke his heart and who he says he's only gotten over 'because he had to'. He says that since her he keeps women at arm's length and is scared that getting to close to someone will mean losing them eventually. Even though he keeps coming back to me, he has never shown any interest in introducing me to his family or friends and wants to see me on his terms.
    When things seem to be getting too close with us, he cuts them off. Everything about our relationship is good and I feel that we are a great match; personality, physically and sense of humour wise. I have such strong feelings for him and sometimes I sense he feels the same but I don't think I can carry on with this rollercoaster of him wanting me then going cold on me again and again. I have no idea how he feels and he is too liable to freak out on me if I even ask him!
    My question is; does it seem like he DOES have feelings for me but is too scared of commiting in case he gets hurt again so is forever pushing me away when I get close? Or is this just a total line that I've fallen for because I like him so much? And how long do you 'wait and see' if this can turn into something more- is it worth saying something like 'do you actually see this going anywhere or am I completely wasting my time'??

  • I don't see this as a commitment issue. To me it seems this guy is playing you like a game. And the more he plays with you the more you want to "win" him. Most of us gals at some point in our lives have troubles in dating because we want to be the "one" they changes the bad guy. Perhaps it's in our nature....but it does not pay off. Frankly, it leads to heartbreak after heartbreak.

    Of course you didn't get over him during the breakup, because you didn't cut your ties. If you continue to allow him to contact you and respond to his every attempt, you will never get past it. No, I do not see this going anywhere good for you. This guy is playing you and quite simply he doesn't deserve you.

    Are you sleeping with him when he does reach out to you?
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • Thanks for your response.

      I don't sleep with him every time I see him but yes, we do have a physical relationship as well.


      • Give him an ultimatum, and hold him to his decision.
        "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


        • If he told you he didn't want anything serious and only wanted to see you casually, you need to take that on face value. You're not going to get anything more from this guy than that, sorry to say. So you must decide if this casual, sporadic contact is working for you or not.

          At least he was up front about it.


          • Tell him that you are looking for more and you don't think you guys should continue if he's not interested in more. I did this with a guy who wasn't interested in committment and he's now my long-term committed boyfriend. Once he felt like he lost me, it made him realize how much he really liked me and that he had to choose between single life or me - he couldn't have his cake and eat it too!



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