Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

We're in love but we fight all the time.

Collapse
X
Collapse
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • We're in love but we fight all the time.

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and three months. We're very much in love, we communicate well with each other, but for some reason, we're always fighting. It's always something little and pointless, too. Last night, for example. I was at my friend's house, and her boyfriend called, so I thought I'd call mine. He got upset because I was talking to my friend for a second, and he just said "Oh, if you're so busy, I can talk to you later." He always gets distracted when we're on the phone.

    I don't know when it started, or why it's even happening. I have a bad temper, and I yell when things make me angry, but I never hit him. He's been fighting depression for years now and has multiple personalities; sometimes, we'll be in a fight, but because he switched to one of his alters/back to himself, he won't remember it. I kid you not, I've tried everything I can possibly think of to help him out with his problems and stop all our fighting. I've spent nights researching, I've called suicide hotlines, I've checked out library books, I've talked to people I can trust about this, everything.

    It's been getting worse, too. I start a lot of the fights, maybe because I'm so drained since our relationship is going downhill and I can't cure his depression, but that's no excuse. It's not always my fault, though. It can't be. I've told him countless times, "If you're unhappy and you can't handle this anymore, we can break up; I want you to be happy." And it's true. It would kill me if we broke up, but I want what's best for him because I care about him. He doesn't want it to end, though. Neither of us do. All we want is to work this out somehow because we want a long, happy life together. We talk about our future together all the time, and it makes us both so happy. We have fun together, and we're always there for each other, and despite the fighting, our relationship is ideal.

    We're only 16 years old, too. Why can't we have a happy, care-free relationship? Why does nothing always have to turn into something? I don't understand. I don't want anyone to tell me that because we're not even adults yet, we don't know what love is, or that we should just break up if all we do is fight; that's not why I'm here. We don't want to break up. We've come close, but we aren't quitters. We really do care about each other and whatever is causing us to fight isn't worth living without each other.

    To make it even better, he's out of state for most of the summer. I've heard the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder.", and I know it does because it was like this last summer, too. Waiting for him to come home was worth it because we were both so happy when we finally saw each other again. It's different than last summer, though, because he's been with family and we haven't been able to talk on the phone as much. I understand completely because the whole point of his being gone is to be with family, and I want him to have a life and enjoy being with other people. I just wish it was more balanced because when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, you need to make time for them, too. We were actually able to have conversations, and he wrote me cute little love letters. Now, whenever we talk, it turns into a fight. Now that I think of it, the fighting started last summer, but it was milder and no where near as bad as it is now.

    Should we only talk once every one or two weeks? I feel like if we don't talk, it will be better in the sense that we won't be able to fight. But I also feel like it's going to cause us to drift apart and destroy how well our communication is. What I told him tonight on the phone is because we've been fighting so much, we shouldn't talk on the phone for a while, but I'm not sure for how long. Should we not talk on Facebook either? I'm sure there's a lot more to it than what I've written so far, but it's hard to get every little detail out. All I know is we're both unhappy and have been for a while, but at the same time, we're so much in love and never want to be without each other. What can we do to stop this? I appreciate what you guys have to say, and it means a lot that you're even reading this. It probably sounds all teenagery and ridiculous, but I don't know what to do anymore.
    Last edited by pumpkinpieisgood; 06-29-2012, 11:54 PM.

  • Arguing a lot at 16 does not bode well for your relationship. The fact that you two fight about little things suggests that there is a clash in your personalities. May it is that he wants to win all of the time and you want to win some of the time. Try not getting into arguments. Just let things slide. Talk with him about letting things slide, also. Talk about what interests him, instead. Get him to talk about what interests you, also. Make sure the subjects talked about are interesting to both although in differing degrees.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

    Comment


    • I was in a relationship like that for about the same amount of time. A year and five months.... So in love (yuck) and constant fighting.
      I finally broke it off and found prince charming.

      I thought my ex was the one. I felt all that love, but it turned out there was someone better for me.
      And there could be for you too. Who knows? You just have to be willing to put up with the fighting. Because from personal experience, and seeing friends and family go through similar situations, the fighting never seems to stop.

      I hope it does for you. But it was all false hope for me when I thought "it would get better". It never did.

      But I wish you the best of luck!

      You are still young, you have the chance to grow and meet more people. I know the exact feeling. I cut myself over this dumb ****** boy. It's not worth it.
      "Hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame."

      Comment


      • Whenever you are in close relationship with anyone definitely there will be fights on few occasion but you cannot withdraw relationship just because of those fights, you both should come to an understanding in order to keep your relationship going, this is the only tip i can suggest you, which may help you.

        Comment


        • I've come to the conclusion that I'm emotionally abusive, and I bought some self-help books so I can learn how to better control my anger. There isn't anything in the world that would stop me from fighting for this relationship. I know he's the one, and he doesn't deserve to be treated like ******** just because I'm an emotional wreck. I do appreciate the advice though, guys. I would have replied sooner but I wasn't sure how I felt about this or what my action plan was going to be. Thank you.

          Comment


          • Amazing, you have came to a conclusion that most would not on their own. They wouldn't even come to it after paying a counselor good money in many cases. Best of luck on your self journey. I hope you find out a lot about yourself and find the answers to your relationship problems. Maybe he will stop arguing after you stop. If not, he is probably partially at fault. In that case, what you do about yourself may not be enough and it may not be the right relationship for you. Again, good luck.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • You've had some really good advice here. I just want to add that his depression is absolutely not something you can cure, you can help him to be happy but it'll be like a band aid, his depression is a different kind of sadness.

              You both appear to have some emotional problems, working them through individually, perhaps professionally, and as a couple will build you both as individuals and build the relationship.

              Arguments like this can become ingrained behavioural patterns, sometimes it does just take one, or better both, of you to break the habit, much like quitting smoking. You may find if you both abstain from arguing and snapping at each other, it goes for good. Try treating it like any other repetitive behaviour and using some of the techniques used to stop those (so for eg, smoking you might find a distraction for your fingers, if you feel you are about to trigger an argument or respond to something he has just started maybe raise your hand instead of opening your mouth, counting to ten is common but I find it unhelpful, maybe make a noise, hum? You may find it makes you both giggle and relieves the tension).

              I wish you good luck, I had a very special boyfriend when I was 16 too
              Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

              Comment


              • Sigh. I argue over little things too. But only because I'm ******** stubborn and can't let things slide. I'm 23 and have been in a relationship for 4 years. I'm starting to think that it would be best for us to be friends but he is so lovely that I can't bare to tell him.

                Comment

                or

                Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                Latest Activity On Our Forums

                Collapse

                Latest Topics On Our Forums

                Collapse

                Working...
                X