[x.st.angel.x]

Hi WH family!

I havent posted a thread in a while so i wonder if anyone has some thoughts on this!

I find when a guy catches my attention im fully focused and intrigued and quite interested but i find when a guy says things to me like 'i miss you' or 'we should go for dinner' or something like that i lose interest and talking to them is just not the same and to the point i literally stop communication... now im no idiot i know i have commitment issues BUT.....i have been sleeping with a guy whose about to move to another state so we are both trying to simply keep it as 'fun' without having feelings involved BUT.... im a starting to develop feelings for him, i think its may be because i know i cant have him but wow my life is always confusing....

Just after some opinions.

Happy posting

SAint-

[Hugo-B]

The chemicals we release in our brains when we become 'attracted' to someone have be proven to be addictive (Leil Lowndes discusses this in one of her books). I can't remember the exact science as she explains it but that's the upshot.

It sounds like you're 'protecting' yourself (from all the potentially negative emotions love can bring:rejection, heartbreak, insecurity etc) by only allowing yourself to fall for men who are emotionally and ,in this case, literally unavailable.

I'm guessing you usually go for the 'bad boys' and have been through at least one quite serious break up which has left you unable to allow yourself to fall in love with anybody else since.

Not trusting people, making yourself emotionally unavailable, and keeping people out of your life for the wrong reasons is nothing more than a defense mechanism, there's a cost and a benefit to everything in life, by doing this you're not even putting yourself in contention for any of the benefits that loving someone can bring you. You need to accept that by learning to trust and love someone you HAVE to hand over to them a degree of responsibility and control (not too much or you become co-dependent, too little and the 'bond' will never really be created) which they have for your happiness and emotional well being.
Relationships, like life, are a contact sport - players get injured, they score own goals, they make epic wins and suffer ego crushing defeats - don't force yourself into early retirement for a minor injury.

Imagine you're a millionaire (if you're in the fortunate position of not having to imagine then billionaire) and one day you get burgled, and lose some of your money and possessions, so to protect yourself from further loss, and to prevent such an injustice ever occurring again - even though you can afford to swallow the loss and know you'll make the money back - you decide to react irrationally and you sell everything, and put all your money in the bank so they can protect it and keep it safe, the only problem now is that nobody can enjoy it or share any part of it any more. Despite its existence it's totally unavailable now to anyone, even you. So take some money out and start spending and enjoying it x

[x.st.angel.x]

Hi Buddhaboy, i dont think we have met on here before! Thank you for your response.... and to tell you the truth you have hit the nail on the head.... its definitely a defense mechanism i just honestly dont know how to overcome it...

[Hugo-B]

Greetings Angel, I'm new her ;-)

I suspected as much! I've been there so I know how you feel, not fun, but all part of growing up I suppose.

Not all of us boys are bad you know, some of us are good guys, although there aren't many of us left; sometimes it feels like I'm flying the flag all by myself!

In all seriousness, I think time is the best healer. There's a good book by Stephen Russell (the barefoot doctor) called 'liberation' which should make you feel better.

Have a good think about what you want, it shouldn't be too hard, because what we all want is someone to love (who we're compatible with, and share mutual attraction with) who'll love us back. We all know how hard this can be to find so you need to have a good think about WHO you want to be sharing this with.

What worked for me was abstaining from sex for a while. I would recommend this to clear your head and it is VERY important that when the right person comes along the slate is clean and there are no loose ties with anyone else. Also I developed a self improvement curriculum and worked through it to better myself. I started working harder at the gym and eating better and toned up a bit, so I looked, and more importantly FELT better and more attractive. (I never did find a women with a fetish for a chubby belly.)

This is all good for the self esteem and in turn self confidence. I needed to admit to myself that I actually wanted to be happy and in love and that despite my prior failed attempts I was prepared to try again and not feel or worry about looking stupid in the process. I also deviated from the type of girls I normally went for (gotta admit I like the barbie dolls) which was probably the best move I made in finding someone who was right for me.

I would look into going out with your friends friends and mixing in new social circles; cultivate friendships with new people and learn to enjoy yourself, indulge yourself in hobbies and pursue your interests, start enjoying being YOU. Be that person who's happy, confident and comfortable with their self, it'll make you more attractive than any outfit or makeover.

You can't fake, or engineer genuine mutual attraction and compatibility. It's an organic process, I honestly believe in a way it finds you, not vice versa, and I also believe it won't find you until you're genuinely ready for it. To be ready you need to be honest and open with yourself, ready to accept someone into your life and, into your heart.

[brightceci]

Relationships, like life, are a contact sport - players get injured, they score own goals, they make epic wins and suffer ego crushing defeats - don't force yourself into early retirement for a minor injury.

Imagine you're a millionaire (if you're in the fortunate position of not having to imagine then billionaire) and one day you get burgled, and lose some of your money and possessions, so to protect yourself from further loss, and to prevent such an injustice ever occurring again - even though you can afford to swallow the loss and know you'll make the money back - you decide to react irrationally and you sell everything, and put all your money in the bank so they can protect it and keep it safe, the only problem now is that nobody can enjoy it or share any part of it any more. Despite its existence it's totally unavailable now to anyone, even you. So take some money out and start spending and enjoying it x

Well said buddhaboy, well said! But... relationship is a very emotional thing, it is very difficult to overcome and be clear headed comparing to money management.

Saint, Buddhaboy is right that you are attracted to the 'bad boys' who are emotionally unavailable, and you run away from men who are emotionally available for a real relationship. There's another explanation as to why we girls tend to fall for the 'bad boys', is that we subconsciously attracted to challenges and hence 'high value' guys who you might think one day you can 'win' them over. I know it doesn't sound like it... but after tons of research for my own behavior (like yours), I have come to the same conclusion and understand what Buddhaboy has mentioned. Do not bank on the unavailable because it is a sure way you will get hurt for the wrong reason. Give the available guys a chance before you push them away, give yourself a chance.

[Element]

Kinda seems like you enjoy the chase, going after the man. But the problem arises that once you got him, he's interested and wants to pursue you; you walk away and find someone else to chase.

[Hugo-B]

This has been thrashed to pieces 1000 times before but I'm of the opinion that girls like the bad boys because of the emotional stimulus (unpredictability is a big one) they provide women, younger girls in particular based on my own observations.

[Hugo-B]

Well said buddhaboy, well said! But... relationship is a very emotional thing, it is very difficult to overcome and be clear headed comparing to money management.

I used money as an analogy because I couldn't think of anything else to use which actually fitted! I agree they obviously are two very different things.

As for keeping a clear head (and I know it's different for girls and I'm not qualified to spk from a women's perspective I know) I suggested voluntarily abstaining from sex so she could clear her head and make a 'clear path' ready for the next, an hopefully right man.

Thanks for the input.

[jns]

I think bb has hit all of the points on this. You can lower your defensive mechanisms by being conscious of them and deliberately not letting them dictate your reactions. After having success by doing this, you will be less likely to be defensive.in this way.