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How much do you read into the first date?

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  • How much do you read into the first date?

    Someone who ever said the first date should stay light and fluffy didn't meet this guy. I even tried to switch the subject a few times but I didn't find a way to do so.

    A lot of the date we talked about his job. Or maybe I should say his lack of job. He lives in an apartment. Wait a minute. It is an apartment/minus a kitchen below his parents house. It sounds like a mother-in-law type apartment. Is that considered living in your parent's basement? I'm trying to keep humor to this but trust me, inside me I'm not winning.

    So he had a job that he got laid off of so he went back to school to become a teacher. He has been getting a little of experience by subbing. But now it is the summer. He is staying afloat doing handyman work which he is good at. But he is not advertising. He is just helping out friends and such so not a big amount is coming in.

    I make just enough money to pay my mortgage and survive. But I'm surviving. Here is a guy with no job but he is looking. I have to give him that. He is trying. I can't help but wonder how great his pay will be because of his lack of experience. Will he be making less than me for quite a while? And what I make is practically a joke.

    Ok, I know the fluffiness was blown away but he told me all of this. So what do I do now? Do I ignore it and just get to know him better? I feel like if I go forward on another date, I'm saying i'm fine with this. But in reality I'm not sure I am. I don't want to be supporting a guy one of these days. I barely stay afloat myself but I'm doing it. And he is worse off than me.

    So do I forget everything he told me last night and go back to fluffiness? Or do I face what has been thrown into my face and ask myself if I'm ok with it or not?

    I agreed to a second date. That was after a glass of wine. I don't if I will be canceling it or keeping it at this point.
    [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]

  • Woah, Girl, one date and you are already thinking " what if I have to Support him in the future" ? Lol
    He must be some Guy ..

    Sure, you can go on that 2nd date to get to know him a bit better. But manage to get into the Conversation, your Goals in life.
    He seems to be honest in his situation, ( living in parents basement , No Job,but looking). You need to be just as honest with him. But with your sense of Humor, you can laugh through it .

    Something like " I hope you find a Job that you like soon and encourage him to advertize ( if licensed and bond-able to do handyman work ) " and let him know ...you know how hard it is in these times. Let him know you barely make it by and it is hard.
    You can say things , like. " thankfully I only have myself to worry about and support " or " when or if I get in a serious relationship, my man must make at least as much as I do. And be willing to put 50/50 into everything . Well money wise, but 100% in relationship wise ".

    Mentioning things like that , with Humor or casualness, will send the "message " to him, that you are not in a position , nor willing to support anyone but yourself . Refrain from, giving your income, that you have a Mortgage ( instead of rent ). Mortgage means Home Owner, which mean you don't have to have a landlords approval to have someone move in .
    **** In my Complex all people have to have Criminal and Credit Background Checks, before they can move in , so that would rule out any " Un savory " Deadbeats or Criminals. ****

    This will also give him the thought that you are not an Easy Move in Target , to get him out of his parents Basement or a woman that Great Sex will pay his share of the "rent " .
    See Humor works..

    So, just listen to that Red Flag that made you write here about it.
    1) He talked about himself, his Job or lack of,his living arrangements. But not much about you ?
    2) You, tried to switch subjects several times. But it all went back to Him and his problem or lack of problems.
    3) You agreed to a 2nd date after a glass of wine. And not sure you should have ?

    That can be easily solved.
    For the 2nd date. You can always offer to make dinner at his place and even bring a Bottle of Wine to share.
    Hehehe , I know that is Evil .. but it sure will tell you if he is interested and you already know he doesn't have a Kitchen of his own in his "Bachelor Pad ".
    Any man, worth a 3 rd date, Will say " sure, but my parents will be there, can you cook enough for all of us " ? ** Humor Inserted **
    That's when Spaghetti, Salad and Garlic Bread comes in as a first You cooked for him Meal .. lol

    And if he likes you enough for you. it's no biggy to meet the " parents ". It's not like you are getting Married, it's just meeting your Dates Family .

    If that happens and he doesn't Run from you, by thinking that you want to meet his parents on the 2nd Date . That's Entrapment in his mind .. lol, You will know or see if he has the Qualities you may be looking in a Man for a Possible serious relationship.

    You are already Wondering and Questioning a 2nd Date. You have Flags that make you think Twice. But you haven't ruled him out yet. So have some fun , get Curious and, Hey, he may be the " One " . But Not the one to support Financially or have move in with you or you with him .


    • Not every date has to end up with "love and marriage." You've been so down on yourself about the kind of prospects you've been getting on the dating sites, why not just slooooooooow way down and enjoy this guy's company for who he is, not what he could provide or expect YOU to provide?

      You mentioned he went back to school to be a teacher, and that you were worried he might make very little money because of his experience or take a long time to build up an income. I don't think you understand how teachers' salaries work. They prettymuch get a base salary - $30k/year, for example, which is not far off from what teachers make nationwide. Unless he goes and gets a Masters' degree, he's not getting any more than that base pay. There's no increase for time spent at a job or experience in the field. Cost-of-living increases depend heavily on the teacher's union fighting the school board for them. It may be practical for you to look up a teacher's salary in your area to see what he'll be making for the next 20+ years of employment.
      Maybe he just told you about his situation to warn you. After all, not a lot of women are into a guy who's living in his parents' home and doesn't have a steady job, for whatever reason. How would you have felt if he told you these things 4 dates in? A little betrayed, I think.

      Go on a second date if you want to - it doesn't obligate you to him or imply that you approve of anything, at least not an approval you can't take away by refusing a third date. If you're not sure what exactly you think of him and want to give him another chance to keep it fluffy, a second date might be just the ticket.
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      • BabyGirl, you are right to pick up on that a lot of the date had to do with him talking about himself. His problems and his situation. He never did ask me about my job. He knows I have my own place. We talked about pets. We talked a little about family but he talked a lot more than I did. I couldn't somehow edge in the light, carefree stuff. Interest and stuff like that.

        The night before I went on the date, I was looking over the few emails we had written and I was wondering if we really had anything in common. It didn't really look that way by the emails. And when he asked me out, I just said yes because the emailing had gone smoothly. I stupidly didn't even compare notes to see if we really had anything in common. So I decided to go on the date and I still don't really know if we have much in common!!

        Instead I know all about his job situation and lack of money. How he is a handyman. I also know that before his mother's place, he was living with a girlfriend. That broke up nine months ago.

        I could have told him how I was just skimming by on my bills or how I have the knee and feet problems. But I didn't think that was first date material. But he obviously thought telling me all of his problems was right for a first date.

        So he ask me out right at the table. If I wanted to go minigolf this weekend. I just listed that in my profile as one of many things I do. But I haven't done it in years. Not really thinking about what we had discussed, the wine calming me, I said yes.

        But driving with my sandles last night instead of sneakers made my knee act up last night. I twisted it a little because I wasn't postioning my foot right. I'm not concerned about it. It will calm down eventually. But standing up in one spot trying to minigolf is going to hurt come this weekend. And I can't help but feel that he is not worth killing myself for. Especially at this point, just doing that will hurt my knee and make it take longer to bounce back to being ok. I'm thinking of throwing that at him and see what he says. That if he wants another date, it won't be the mini golf because I can't do it.

        Funny thing is he doesn't even like watching sports and I love them. But I was putting that aside for now. For how long, I don't know. I guess one of my weaknesses was he was cute. Rarely do you ever find a guy who isn't balding and way overweight. A lot of guys around my age don't care what they look like. At least where I live. Meanwhile, they want the pretty girl. But thankfully I know looks is not everything but I guess it was a nice change. But maybe I should forget about that part and see what was left.
        [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]


        • I haven't had time to read everything above, but I'll throw my five cents in, in a concise fashion LOL:

          1) you obviously like him because you are here writing this;

          2) He probably feels a bot insecure about his situation, hence him feeling he owes you the lengthy explanation/justification. At least he is keeping his overheads low and (probably) running up unacceptable amounts of debt living above his means to 'project perceived status'.

          3) It's up to you to decide whether or not you see potential in him. The economy sucks at the moment, I don't blame him for not working full time in a ****ty low paid job if he can stay afloat working part time as a handy man, no one lays on their deathbed wishing they has worked longer hours.

          4) Has he asked you for any money? What makes you think you'll have to support him? If you like him give him a chance, the first sign he's expecting a free ride kick his ****** into the curb. The imbalance of status between the two of you is probably unattractive, as a women I can't blame you for that.

          Women out perform men academically at EVERY level. Women are catching up with men in the workplace nowadays. The nuclear 2:4 children family with the stay at home mom and dad working full time earning enough to pay the mortgage, pay into a retirement fund for two, cover a holiday a year, whilst saving enough for the kids education is now fading into the past.

          I lived with a girl who was making almost twice as much as me at one point and I had to lend her money every month to cover the bills because she placed shoes, handbags, and partying higher on her list of priorities. We're still friends at this precise moment (we split up 3 years ago) she owes me £400 which I lent her last month so she could cover her mortgage.

          My current GF barely has any money and hasn't asked me for a penny, ever. WHAT you do with the money you have is just as important as how much you have of it. This guy is obviously living below his means. Whilst certainly not glamorous, it isn't stupid either.

          I wouldn't live above my means to acquire material wealth, or work a job I hated to try and impress anyone.

          5) It's the first date, pump the breaks and most importantly, try am ascertain whether you two are compatible and can actually have fun together!

          GOOD LUCK!
          "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


          • Thanks for the advise everyone.

            I got through date number two. I found myself thinking it wasn't going to work. And not really about the money issues but because I don't see we have much in common. But at the end of the date, he tried to kiss me in his car. He caught me by surprise and my nose almost collided with his. lol Which stopped the kissing. Hey, for the ones who have known me from the lounge knows how limited I am with kissing. And I find it much easier to do if I'm standing up right in front of him. Not going back to high school days with trying to kiss in a car.

            But it was probably best that happened because I needed to talk to him first. I find we don't have much in common, especially sports and music. Meanwhile I like to read while he doesn't. And I have different taste of movies also. So I told him straight out I want a guy who will be watching those Sunday football games with me or take me out to listen to some jazz and blues once in a while. While it is not something he currently likes or maybe I should say is in to, he said he would be willing to do so. I told him I would be willing to try the stuff he likes as long as I can physically do it.

            Since there is not much in common, I don't know how long it would last. I wonder if trying what the other person likes is something that really works. I mean I know I can handle it. I can take some strange sci-fi movies if he will watch my mystery or action flick. Or I can handle country music in doses. Or who knows what else.

            There is still the money problem because right now I'm really tight. After all bills, I have very little spending money left. Especially with the price of gas. So in this stage, I actually do like it when the guy pays. Guys usually do anyways. At least the guys I have dated through online dating and then my ex did also. Even when I started to say I will pay my way. He wouldn't listen to me. But down the road if we were to split bills, I could easily pay for some of the entertainment. He has an interview this coming week. Who knows. But if he can't afford to continue paying for both at this point, we either find stuff that doesn't cost money or we end it. Because money doesn't come out of trees, as far as I know.

            I like the guy but I'm not insanely crazy about the guy right now. I figure to continue it for now and see if it develops for the better or not.
            [SIZE=2][FONT=Arial][COLOR="#000080"]Why do we fall, sir? So we can learn to pick ourselves up. ~Alfred Pennyworth, Batman Begins[/COLOR][/FONT][/SIZE]


            • Don't worry about him paying too much. If he is truly intent on dating you, he will find a way to pay for it. From your other thread, he seems to be a go-getter, within reason of course. I am not saying to order the most expensive thing on the menu, just be reasonable as you would be with someone else.
              I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
              Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

              From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


              • I like what JNS said. If you do find you really like each other money shouldn't be an insurmountable problem. I think you are right to continue and see where it goes. It's nice to enjoy some things as a couple and to have your separate interests. You will hopefully learn from each other, as you said, and find even more things you both enjoy.

                Good luck x
                Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.



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