Cheating - I'm the other woman - help!
I never thought I'd be the "other woman"... yet here I am. I feel so awful and I am not sure what I should do next, so I thought I'd turn to you guys for advice.
To give you some context:
We've like each other since we were 16 (I'm 23 now).. but we were both in relationships in high school so nothing ever happened between us. I had periods of being single throughout university and during those periods we would chat on-line and he confessed his strong feelings for me. However, we never acted on them because of his girlfriend (the same one from high school).
Ironically, my high school boyfriend really liked this guy's girlfriend and she would often flirt with my boyfriend, jump on him, chat with him for hours about our relationship, jump into his arms and wrap her legs around him while wearing her bikini, tell him how sexy he is, sit on his lap, and send me messages about how lucky I was to have him - all while she was dating this guy.
Now, I liked her boyfriend before any of this happened but as horrible as it sounds, part of me didn't feel that guilty flirting back with her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, my feelings for her boyfriend have nothing to do with "revenge" or anything of that sort, it's just that I guess I justified my flirtations because of how she flirted with my own boyfriend. I realize now that it makes me just as bad of a person and that there is no justification for flirting with a taken man, even if she flirted with my own boyfriend.
During one of the periods where I was broken up with my high school boyfriend (we had an on-again off-again relationship) he read one of my conversations with this guy. He was upset but didn't say anything because I was single at the time and wasn't cheating on him. However, after I broke up with him, the first thing he did was tell this girl about how her boyfriend was hitting on me.
They actually ended up breaking up for a week or two because of it - neither of them contacted me about it and I didn't say anything.
Years later he asked to go for a walk with me one night (last summer). We walked for 4 hours, chatting until 6am. At the end of the walk he tried to kiss me but I turned away because he had mentioned during the walk that he was still with his girlfriend.
To give you a better idea of this guy's character... he was always super shy. His face would go bright red and he wouldn't be able to even speak when he saw me. He was really smart and shy, definitely not a "player" or "smooth" with the ladies despite his handsome looks.
I spent the entire past year wondering if I should have kissed him. I kept asking myself if I had kissed him if it would have given him enough confidence to leave his girlfriend. I battled with it for so long. Ultimately I was proud that I had rejected him but part of me regretted not having the opportunity to finally kiss this guy I had wanted for so long.
He became this fantasy, this elusive "if only" guy.
Well I came back into town this summer and I sent him a message suggesting that we catch up over coffee (I figured this would present the least potential for any misbehaviour). He responded by suggesting I visit him at his new condo (he just bought a new place). I know I should have said no but this little voice inside of me hoped that he was leaving his girlfriend or that they had just broken up... or that he'd once again confess his feelings and suggest we run away together (Yes, I am a hopeless romantic).
We drank margaritas in his kitchen. It was clear she had moved in with him - some of her stuff was in the place. He didn't mention where she was, he didn't mention her once in conversation. We chatted for three hours. Then he jokingly shoved me, I shoved him back, and then we started "wrestling". At this point I was pretty drunk and so was he. We ended up on top of each other making out. He asked me if I could keep a secret and I said yes. At this exact moment my heart sunk. Suddenly I knew he wasn't even contemplating leaving her. It was a secret. He wanted to cheat. I knew I should have stopped it right then and there. But suddenly I felt reckless. It was a combination of the tequila and my own selfish desires. I wanted to be with him for seven years and here was my only chance. I wanted to experience it so that I could finally move on from this guy I've been wondering about for so long. I guess I also still felt like if things went amazingly I could somehow convince him that I was the girl for him. I thought that after we had sex he might suddenly open up and ask me to be with him.
We got naked and one thing led to another and out of no where he asked me if I gave good head. When I asked what he thought he said "I don't know, I'm trying to find out". It was so aggressive, so crude. It wasn't the romantic passionate rendezvous I had always dreamed of. It was really really really awful. He had issues staying hard he eventually gave up after about 20 seconds of awkward thrusting. He asked me to sleep over and then he drove me home in the morning and that was it.
I have never ever EVER felt worse than I do right now. How could I have been so stupid? I had created an elaborate romantic story between us that really didn't exist... or if it did, he really didn't act like it. I was expecting him to tell me how much he has wanted me, how beautiful I am, how he's wanted to be with me etc etc. But he asked me if I gave good head. I felt so cheap, so degraded. I thought this was some epic love story where we were the right people for each other all along... and now I realize that it was really just another guy who wanted to have sex with me.
I keep wondering how he suddenly became so confident. He seemed so much more at ease, he didn't even seem nervous like he had in the past. Where did this innocent flustered guy go? Has he been cheating on his girlfriend with different people or was this just with me? Or did I just get his character wrong all along?
The worst part is after it happened she uploaded a picture of her sister's wedding ring and everyone thought it was hers and she commented about how she's not getting married "quite yet", implying that it would be soon. It suddenly hit me that she's just like me, a girl with a boyfriend, a girl with dreams of getting married and having kids and living a happy life.
My negative feelings towards her aside, I feel completely disgusting. I've never had a one night stand in my life, I've always prided myself on strong morals and now I have become the sleazy "other woman". I feel like he regretted it and I won't hear from him again but I feel sick to think that his girlfriend has no idea what he is capable of and what he did IN HER BED, behind her back. I don't know what to do.
Is it better to tell her or to keep it a secret? Does she deserve to know? Is it better for her to live in ignorance? I really do think he felt it was a mistake. He had trouble staying hard out of guilt. Will he eventually tell her on his own? Do I have a responsibility to tell her?
The last thing I want to do now is to damage the relationship even more than it already has been damaged.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I've never been in this situation before.
To give you some context:
We've like each other since we were 16 (I'm 23 now).. but we were both in relationships in high school so nothing ever happened between us. I had periods of being single throughout university and during those periods we would chat on-line and he confessed his strong feelings for me. However, we never acted on them because of his girlfriend (the same one from high school).
Ironically, my high school boyfriend really liked this guy's girlfriend and she would often flirt with my boyfriend, jump on him, chat with him for hours about our relationship, jump into his arms and wrap her legs around him while wearing her bikini, tell him how sexy he is, sit on his lap, and send me messages about how lucky I was to have him - all while she was dating this guy.
Now, I liked her boyfriend before any of this happened but as horrible as it sounds, part of me didn't feel that guilty flirting back with her boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, my feelings for her boyfriend have nothing to do with "revenge" or anything of that sort, it's just that I guess I justified my flirtations because of how she flirted with my own boyfriend. I realize now that it makes me just as bad of a person and that there is no justification for flirting with a taken man, even if she flirted with my own boyfriend.
During one of the periods where I was broken up with my high school boyfriend (we had an on-again off-again relationship) he read one of my conversations with this guy. He was upset but didn't say anything because I was single at the time and wasn't cheating on him. However, after I broke up with him, the first thing he did was tell this girl about how her boyfriend was hitting on me.
They actually ended up breaking up for a week or two because of it - neither of them contacted me about it and I didn't say anything.
Years later he asked to go for a walk with me one night (last summer). We walked for 4 hours, chatting until 6am. At the end of the walk he tried to kiss me but I turned away because he had mentioned during the walk that he was still with his girlfriend.
To give you a better idea of this guy's character... he was always super shy. His face would go bright red and he wouldn't be able to even speak when he saw me. He was really smart and shy, definitely not a "player" or "smooth" with the ladies despite his handsome looks.
I spent the entire past year wondering if I should have kissed him. I kept asking myself if I had kissed him if it would have given him enough confidence to leave his girlfriend. I battled with it for so long. Ultimately I was proud that I had rejected him but part of me regretted not having the opportunity to finally kiss this guy I had wanted for so long.
He became this fantasy, this elusive "if only" guy.
Well I came back into town this summer and I sent him a message suggesting that we catch up over coffee (I figured this would present the least potential for any misbehaviour). He responded by suggesting I visit him at his new condo (he just bought a new place). I know I should have said no but this little voice inside of me hoped that he was leaving his girlfriend or that they had just broken up... or that he'd once again confess his feelings and suggest we run away together (Yes, I am a hopeless romantic).
We drank margaritas in his kitchen. It was clear she had moved in with him - some of her stuff was in the place. He didn't mention where she was, he didn't mention her once in conversation. We chatted for three hours. Then he jokingly shoved me, I shoved him back, and then we started "wrestling". At this point I was pretty drunk and so was he. We ended up on top of each other making out. He asked me if I could keep a secret and I said yes. At this exact moment my heart sunk. Suddenly I knew he wasn't even contemplating leaving her. It was a secret. He wanted to cheat. I knew I should have stopped it right then and there. But suddenly I felt reckless. It was a combination of the tequila and my own selfish desires. I wanted to be with him for seven years and here was my only chance. I wanted to experience it so that I could finally move on from this guy I've been wondering about for so long. I guess I also still felt like if things went amazingly I could somehow convince him that I was the girl for him. I thought that after we had sex he might suddenly open up and ask me to be with him.
We got naked and one thing led to another and out of no where he asked me if I gave good head. When I asked what he thought he said "I don't know, I'm trying to find out". It was so aggressive, so crude. It wasn't the romantic passionate rendezvous I had always dreamed of. It was really really really awful. He had issues staying hard he eventually gave up after about 20 seconds of awkward thrusting. He asked me to sleep over and then he drove me home in the morning and that was it.
I have never ever EVER felt worse than I do right now. How could I have been so stupid? I had created an elaborate romantic story between us that really didn't exist... or if it did, he really didn't act like it. I was expecting him to tell me how much he has wanted me, how beautiful I am, how he's wanted to be with me etc etc. But he asked me if I gave good head. I felt so cheap, so degraded. I thought this was some epic love story where we were the right people for each other all along... and now I realize that it was really just another guy who wanted to have sex with me.
I keep wondering how he suddenly became so confident. He seemed so much more at ease, he didn't even seem nervous like he had in the past. Where did this innocent flustered guy go? Has he been cheating on his girlfriend with different people or was this just with me? Or did I just get his character wrong all along?
The worst part is after it happened she uploaded a picture of her sister's wedding ring and everyone thought it was hers and she commented about how she's not getting married "quite yet", implying that it would be soon. It suddenly hit me that she's just like me, a girl with a boyfriend, a girl with dreams of getting married and having kids and living a happy life.
My negative feelings towards her aside, I feel completely disgusting. I've never had a one night stand in my life, I've always prided myself on strong morals and now I have become the sleazy "other woman". I feel like he regretted it and I won't hear from him again but I feel sick to think that his girlfriend has no idea what he is capable of and what he did IN HER BED, behind her back. I don't know what to do.
Is it better to tell her or to keep it a secret? Does she deserve to know? Is it better for her to live in ignorance? I really do think he felt it was a mistake. He had trouble staying hard out of guilt. Will he eventually tell her on his own? Do I have a responsibility to tell her?
The last thing I want to do now is to damage the relationship even more than it already has been damaged.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I've never been in this situation before.
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