Hi everyone,
My friends and family are worried about me so they recommended that I join this site for some support. My relationship of four years ended on Sunday, July 22 - my birthday. My partner was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything, and now he is my first break up. We met when we were both attending the same university and we are now both graduate students in different universities, and in different countries. I am studying law in Canada and he is styudying pyschology in the United States. I had one year left in my program and he had four years left.
I can say that we had one of the happiest first three years of a relationship. We travelled extensively, talked marriage and even our families got along very well. Even though we spent our third year apart becuase of our programs, the freedom allowed us to commit fully to our schooling. This began to change this year. He was mid-way in the first year of his program and was gradually developing a strong network of friends. However, in March of this year, he confessed that he was getting really lonely. The next week when he came to visit me in Canada, he told me that he "woke up one morning and had a feeling that he was in love with another woman." I didn't ask who she was. At that time, I broke down. I told him that I loved him, was committed to him and was willing to keep our relationship together. I needed him to share his feelings with me though.
The next months continued to be rocky and I began to feel the distance. As I tried harder to fix the relationship, rearrange my schedule, fly more often to see him and even consider career changes, nothing seemed to work. Then one night in June, I asked him how he was doing and I felt like the rug was pulled from under me. He told me things were worse. He still feels guilty about his feelings for that girl because he loved ME. He was still lonely and his program was making him question himself and his own identity. By this point, I began to resent his friends. Resent his remarks about how girls in his program were crushing on him. How he thought some girls were waiting for us to break up.
By mid-June on our anniversary we fought. By my last visit in early July, I spent my first sleepless night after another fight and another discussion on how to make it work. And then I got her name: Julia. For the next three weeks, I tried to convince him that things could improve if we tried to address our communication. Gradually, I could feel he was resenting me. That he was pushing away and that I was no longer his priority.
On my birthday, I finally asked, could he stop being friends with this girl while we worked on our relationship. His reply was no. Silly me, I told him "I still want to make it work" "I wanted to marry you" before he told me "I did too...6 months ago". I then asked what he wanted and he said "out of this relationship".
Since then, I have been reeling. Teetering between bargaining stages and just hurt. Hurt that he chose another women over me. Hurt that he fell in love with another woman. Hurt that he continued to defend her until the last discussion we had. Hurt that everything I did, was wrong.
My feeling is telling me that it was not my fault. That he was holding me back - he was not supportive of my rising success. That HE did not try. But it is all so hard to accept when I keep asking myself, why didn't I work harder? Why was I not more patient? Why didn't I wait to see him and why did I pick a fight on my birthday?
It all feels so lonely and painful right now.
My friends and family are worried about me so they recommended that I join this site for some support. My relationship of four years ended on Sunday, July 22 - my birthday. My partner was my first love, my first kiss, my first everything, and now he is my first break up. We met when we were both attending the same university and we are now both graduate students in different universities, and in different countries. I am studying law in Canada and he is styudying pyschology in the United States. I had one year left in my program and he had four years left.
I can say that we had one of the happiest first three years of a relationship. We travelled extensively, talked marriage and even our families got along very well. Even though we spent our third year apart becuase of our programs, the freedom allowed us to commit fully to our schooling. This began to change this year. He was mid-way in the first year of his program and was gradually developing a strong network of friends. However, in March of this year, he confessed that he was getting really lonely. The next week when he came to visit me in Canada, he told me that he "woke up one morning and had a feeling that he was in love with another woman." I didn't ask who she was. At that time, I broke down. I told him that I loved him, was committed to him and was willing to keep our relationship together. I needed him to share his feelings with me though.
The next months continued to be rocky and I began to feel the distance. As I tried harder to fix the relationship, rearrange my schedule, fly more often to see him and even consider career changes, nothing seemed to work. Then one night in June, I asked him how he was doing and I felt like the rug was pulled from under me. He told me things were worse. He still feels guilty about his feelings for that girl because he loved ME. He was still lonely and his program was making him question himself and his own identity. By this point, I began to resent his friends. Resent his remarks about how girls in his program were crushing on him. How he thought some girls were waiting for us to break up.
By mid-June on our anniversary we fought. By my last visit in early July, I spent my first sleepless night after another fight and another discussion on how to make it work. And then I got her name: Julia. For the next three weeks, I tried to convince him that things could improve if we tried to address our communication. Gradually, I could feel he was resenting me. That he was pushing away and that I was no longer his priority.
On my birthday, I finally asked, could he stop being friends with this girl while we worked on our relationship. His reply was no. Silly me, I told him "I still want to make it work" "I wanted to marry you" before he told me "I did too...6 months ago". I then asked what he wanted and he said "out of this relationship".
Since then, I have been reeling. Teetering between bargaining stages and just hurt. Hurt that he chose another women over me. Hurt that he fell in love with another woman. Hurt that he continued to defend her until the last discussion we had. Hurt that everything I did, was wrong.
My feeling is telling me that it was not my fault. That he was holding me back - he was not supportive of my rising success. That HE did not try. But it is all so hard to accept when I keep asking myself, why didn't I work harder? Why was I not more patient? Why didn't I wait to see him and why did I pick a fight on my birthday?
It all feels so lonely and painful right now.
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