[Amber]

I'm on an online dating website and they break up profiles to a person who has children but live away from home, has children who live part time at this person's home, and children who live full time at this person's home.

So far I have been steering away from guys who having children living any time at his home. I still have children living away from home on my profile but I can't help but question if I want that either.

I'm in my late 30's and it seems almost every guy has a child already. I never had any children but I had dreamed of having some. I never found the right guy to have them with. But I'm also pretty clueless when it comes to children. I'm barely around any so I have no real experience with them. I always thought I would learn the ropes with my husband and my own baby some day.

Well, children of my own has never happened and now there are guys looking for a new woman but he has children. This may be selfish but I wonder how much time he will have left when he is not spending time with them. I wanted my own children. I never thought of someone else's. So for this reason, I have been staying away from guys with children. But it seems 80 percent, if not more of guys out there, have children.

What is it like being in a relationship with a guy who has children? Does he usually really have any time alone with out them? If I'm thinking about not having them around, maybe I shouldn't even be thinking about dating a guy like this. I really don't know what to think about something like this.

I just know the guys who don't have kids, most are active in sports which I can't be and the other guys have kids. I just feel like I may be alone forever and maybe I need to start settling some. I don't know what to think right now.

[Element]

It's all going to depend upon the man, his relationship with his child, and how the child is. You also have to accept up front that he will never love you as much as his child, and he never should. We're talking about someone's child, it's imperative that their child is first to them. What kind of person would they be if they weren't?

I live with my 31 year old boyfriend and his son; he has physical custody so the boy lives with us; this is his home. My boyfriend distributes his time, I know this and I respect him all the more for it. He has his time with his boy, them playing together, talking together alone. And he has his time where me and him will just curl up in our room and watch a show together while his boy is watching TV in the living room or playing a game. We have family time where we'll watch a show together, a movie. Sometimes for dinner it's the boys pick of what he's hungry for.

Out of anything it's being understanding that you are going into someone's life, and that of a child's life. Some traditions and daily habits have to stay in place for the child's sake.

But let me tell you, seeing your man with his child is extremely touching. There was one night that I went to bed first, and woke up and my boyfriend still wasn't in bed with me. I got up and looked in his boys room to see them both laying in bed in his son's full size bed. Turns out that his son was tossing and moaning in his sleep, so he curled up with him and the boy calmed down; so he spent the night there. Seeing and knowing that my man is beyond willing to do that for his son says a lot about what kind of a man he is, and what kind of a father he is. It also gives me security in knowing he'll do that for our kids if we ever have any.

While your relationship begins with the man, you also have to get along with, respect and understand his child. The only people's opinions that matter pertaining to your relationship is yours, his, and his child's. The list ends there. The child is important; it's a child. So you have to be willing to be openhearted, patient, understanding, and respectful.

[Amber]

Element, how old is his son? And how long were you dating your boyfriend before he introduced him to you? I guess it depends on each guy, on how long it is before you meet the child. But I'm guessing it may be a while before you meet him which is understandable because they don't want the child to get hurt.

[Hugo-B]

Amber, I think a BIG determinant is the state of the relationship that exists (if there is one) between the parent with custody and the one without. In your case I'm assuming this will be the mother, yes/

Eventually, if you live with the child you will have to assume a degree of responsibility with the child and it will start to look upon you as a parent figure (at least, if not a parent). Are you comfortable with that? If the child's mother is a part of the children/s life your actions will come under a lot of scrutiny and you will have nearly all of the responsibility and none of the rights (although you will likely find it rewarding which may be enough for you as it was with me and the little involvement I had with my ex's kids ).

If the parent is a committed one, then you'll always come second to the child and rightly so; can you accept being second priority 100% of the time? If you're given priority over someone's child by them then the chances are they are not a good parent and you should be weary of them.

My advice is that you shouldn't write single parents off as potential partners, but you should be aware of the complications that will constantly arise in the relationship. If the other parent is still on the scene (like my ex's ex was) I thought the best way to break the ice with him (and I think I was right) was to message him on FB (we both knew who each other were) and took him out for a few beers so we could have a chat, giving me the chance to put him at ease. I reassured him that whatever happened I wouldn't start any nonsense like telling his children they had two dads or anything like that, and that I wouldn't try and assume a role as their father. I think he appreciated that, and whilst I doubt he really liked me, I think he had a degree of respect for me for the effort I made with him and the respect I showed him.

[Amber]

Buddhaboy, if I was to answer your questions honestly, I would have to say I really don't know. I never had any children of my own nor have I ever been in a relationship with a guy who had a child. Would I be fine always be second or to be partly responsible for that child, meanwhile be scrutinized by the ex, I really don't know.

Obviously being scrutinized by the ex won't be fun but will the other benefits outweigh that part, maybe. I can't honestly say that I would be fine with all of that because I really don't know. If I tread lightly and meet the child a time or two, to see how I feel about the whole situation, I may have a clearer picture of it all. Maybe then I could say ok, am I fine with this or not. But if a guy asks for a guarantee on the first date, then I would have to say no. Only because at this point, I can't give a definite yes.

I kind of think if I got to know the child, maybe I could see what it is like to be a parent and see how the guy is around the child. Maybe i would feel as Element feels. I don't really know. But as I says, if the guys needs a guarantee right off the bat, I couldn't give him that.

I'm guessing but I think the age of the child will probably play a part of it. If the child is a teenager, he is going to look much less upon me as being a parent, that is for sure. In fact I probably would be expect to keep quiet at all times on any decisions. I'm thinking a younger child, I would find myself more being looked up to by the child.

[Hugo-B]

I would listen to Element's advice too, I've played more 'bad cop', her advice is more of an example of 'when things go right'.

I think you should just keep looking for 'Mr. Right', if you meet a great guy that has a child or two then do what you would do if you met a great guy who had o children: give the relationship a chance, be reasonable and take things slowly.

I'm of two minds whether you should meet the kids early or late on. I said to my ex that I would meet the children and their dad after six months of dating. I met them and him after seven and we had no problems, they're great kids, luckily I'm not bad with kids and we all got on well together. In the same vein, if they don't like you, are particularly difficult or are just little devils then there could be a problem which may be better detected early on as opposed to later on. If the child has had a traumatic upbringing then it may be more difficult to deal with, luckily my ex's kids were just nice little things that enjoyed cartoons, ice cream, sweets, and games of hide and seek - pretty easy to deal with really. TBH if they were damaged and challenging I don't think I could have dealt with it, even nice kids are hard work and tiring.

In short I think whilst we can generalize each relationship is unique so can only really be accurately judged subjectively, try not to look too much into it, I'd say you have a better chance with the right man who has a child than the wrong one who doesn't. We all - in some way, shape or form - require our partners to compromise somehow, and a man may, or may not require you to compromise and accept his child along with him, if it feels right then give him a chance, if it doesn't then don't.

[Amber]

Now that I think about it, I don't think I would want to be with a guy for six months before meeting his child. Because if that kid turns out to be a little holy terror, then there is a pretty good chance that relationship will go down the drain. Or maybe even, I won't want to be in a relationship with a guy who has a child like that. Not saying I would want to meet the kid on the third date but six months wouldn't work either. Actually, I kind of wonder if I would want to get really serious with a guy without meeting his child first.

I think I may start opening up the possibility of dating guys with children. And if I find it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But the right guy for me may actually have a child. I won't know until I look in that direction also.

Thank you buddhaboy and Element for your advise.