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Why did it have to be him??

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  • Why did it have to be him??

    As a single gal rapidly approaching her 30's, I find that dating doesn't get any easier with time. It's like a necessary evil if you believe in your heart that there is someone out there for you. I've been single for the past 8 months. After starting my grad program, and working full time I just decided I didn't need to further complicate things with a relationship. I feel like I've been in them solidly for years. But then something crazy happened.

    There's this guy, my age, whom I've been distant friends with for quite a few years. The kind of friends that kept in contact, knew there was something between us, but genuinely just enjoyed each other and were fine with never being any more than friends. For some reason several months ago our paths crossed again and we began talking ALOT. Though we knew it already, we both realized how similar we are in personality style. I was reluctant. He lives with his parents, he's out of a job and not overly concerned about finding one. But I thought "what the heck??...perhaps I need to allow myself to be unrestrained for once". So I did... one thing lead to another and we ended up in a sexual relationship. It was incredible. The way he touched me. The way he looked at me. The way he smelled me. There was something natural and fresh about him. He exhilarated me. Intensely. He'd lay with me and hold me. It was like he breathed me. I found myself distracted, thinking of only him. I always liked a guy with a clean hair cut. He never cut his hair. It was shaggy and sometimes a few days post washing. I didn't care. I enjoyed his scent. Loved to hear him sing. Love his moods. Just, simply...everything about him.

    This went on for a month or two. We both were careful to keep our distance, didn't want to rush into a serious relationship. But something happened. A light switch. He stopped contact me nearly as often. He stopped asking to see me. He stopped the random texts to tell me how much I turn him on. And he started making excuses for why he wasn't seeing me. His excuse is that he goes through phases, and that this is an introverted one. But I am almost 30 years old. I cannot allow myself or my feelings to be yanked around by someone who wants me, wants me not, wants me, wants me not. I told him yesterday by text that his behavior towards me lately is insulting and that I am moving on. Perhaps he genuinely just doesn't care for me. Perhaps he has someone else. Perhaps............

    So...I finally find someone who reaches into my heart...who touches my soul...who understands me. And it just HAD to be him? It had to be this guy who obviously (despite what he has said) doesn't reciprocate those feelings. This guy who doesn't share my ambitions in life? This guy whom I first met 5 years ago and though something about him made me smile and intrigued me, I couldn't imagine ever having THESE feelings for him. This guy who is now gone. Today, 24 hours of no contact...and I miss him terribly. I know that a guy who is into me will show it. I know that a guy who wants me will SHOW me he wants me. He will not make me feel unwanted. I'm a smart woman...I know these things. He knows how I feel. I've told him. I can do nothing else but let him go. But I miss my friend. I miss the passion. I miss him.

    Perhaps I needed this. Maybe he has shown me that the things I have sought in the past in someone were not the things that truly ignite my soul. Maybe he has shown me I can let someone in. Right now I'm angry that my heart hurts. But soon enough there will be clarity. For now...I'll just embrace what I'm feeling.

    DATING IS HARD.
    "Be what you're looking for."


  • Internet hugs. Lots of 'em.

    Not to get your hopes up, but is there any chance he's just going through something and didn't think to let you know? Or has the decline been so abrupt and noticeable that it couldn't be anything but the FWBship?

    Your heart will catch up with your head. Your head, who knows that you're a beautiful woman with the prime of her life still shining ahead of her, with a personality made of gold, a woman who's stable, ever-improving, and enthusiastic about life and all it has to offer.
    (Until then, 'tis the season for rum and egg nog. You know, if you drink. It's tasty.)
    <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

    Comment


    • (Until then, 'tis the season for rum and egg nog. You know, if you drink. It's tasty.)




      Perhaps I needed this. Maybe he has shown me that the things I have sought in the past in someone were not the things that truly ignite my soul.
      Passion is the desire to taste, smell, be and nothing else matters, not his hair, his job, nothing.. Passion reaches your soul, makes you a woman, lets you know who you are and there is something awesome about it, just when you thought you were sensual enough you realise there is more.

      I recall a couple of guys (when younger) that were able to do that to me as well BD, I recall exactly how I didn't care about anything else as well. And, it opened my eyes, a lesson learnt.

      But, they are drifters.. They can't commit. They enjoy the "sensuality" of themselves and the passion in the woman that they encounter.. Eventually the course ends.

      Strangely enough, one came back to me years later but it was years too late.

      Remember we are mentally 4 years older than a man.. At some stage, his drifting will be enough.

      This is a beautiful memory BD. You have to stop searching and embrase what you are experiencing.. It lets you know what you do and don't want out of a future partner, each journey you take.

      Remember, I was 36 before I married and only "now" completely in love in all aspects, with my fiance..

      Age is a number don't let it determine a wrongful relationship.. You are still very young.

      x
      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

      Comment


      • is there any chance he's just going through something and didn't think to let you know? Or has the decline been so abrupt and noticeable that it couldn't be anything but the FWBship?
        I don't think so. Unless that "something" is another woman or perhaps rekindling with his ex. I'm not sure. The decline was abrupt, but my reaction to it was not. I didn't want him to feel pressured and quite frankly, I"m so busy that I didn't mind not seeing him but once or twice a week. But as it progressed, the texts declined, the asking to see me dropped off to practically nothing, I began to feel rejected and started mentioning how "if he just wasn't into me, that's totally cool", to which he responded "I am into you." But then yesterday when I told him (after he had asked to see me the night before, then cancelled.) I was moving on, he said nothing. The weird part is that is WAS so abrupt. Before the decline, he was so all about me...so attentive, made it very clear he wasn't seeing anyone else and we agreed that if the desire to do so came about, we'd be honest with each other about it. He told me everything..all the time. Literally told me when he was pooping. Or masturbating. (Haha..TMI sometimes). We were just comfortable with each other. One night when I was super busy and suffering from my first yeast infection (GAAAAAAAAAAH AWFUL!) he wanted to come over. I obviously didn't want him to because there was DEFINITELY not going to be anything sexual going on. He said "I don't care...I just like to lay with you, play with your hair, and say goofy things...". I loved that. But apparently, it was fleeting. It felt good when I felt like he wanted me. It felt really really bad when it started to feel like he didn't.

        I think to myself "will he miss me??". But then I realize, he had distanced himself from me so greatly that he probably won't. If you reveal your feelings for a man, still feel rejected so you tell him you're moving on, and he doesn't try to stop you at all...........well that just seems like writing on the wall. It's not what I WANT to hear or think...but I'm a realist.

        Passion is the desire to taste, smell, be and nothing else matters, not his hair, his job, nothing.. Passion reaches your soul, makes you a woman, lets you know who you are and there is something awesome about it, just when you thought you were sensual enough you realise there is more.
        Yes!!! I have realized there is more. For the first time in a long, LONG time, I felt full. (Not complete...I am complete all by myself. But full..if that makes any sense.) Thinking about him made me smile. Seeing him made me smile. I honestly have not felt that way about someone in 6-7 years. I think having the friendship first allowed me to be more uninhibited and trusting. I dunno. I'm not looking for a husband, or for a father for my future children. But I got a little taste of the kind of passion I've been looking for for so long...and now it's gone.

        It helps matters none that I'm terribly sick with a viral head cold that has had me down since last Thursday. I missed getting to go out with my girlfriends Saturday night which I was really looking forward to. I've missed work this week. And now I'm off for the holidays and don't feel like moving. I know that makes me emotional, when I am not normally so much so. I've cried several times today over various things. haha. My heart WILL catch up with my head. It will. But for now...darn it...I miss that guy.
        "Be what you're looking for."

        Comment


        • It definitely makes sense that you felt full, but know that you are complete by yourself. You know who you are, what you want, and the direction you want to go in the future. It sucks that this occured with someone you've had a distant friendship with for years. I think you expected and deserved better than being dropped, cold turkey. He should have honored the agreement that you had to be honest if the desire to see another person arose.

          Sorry you are feeling down and out, and with a head cold to top it all off. Hopefully you will feel better soon and that will help you wrap your mind around your emotional well being. Lots of Love.

          Comment


          • Feeling complete in yourself means you know who you are.

            Sensually, you know what you want and if I know you You won't settle for less however, getting that ,with love and a commitment often in my opinion is age. For like I said we grow faster in the maturity level.

            Passion is and can be just as bad as a guy who treats you right but is bad in bed, you know what I mean? Each time we venture, it's for a reason, lust, passion, he's nice...

            This guy doesn't have to try passion he knows he has it down packed.

            Another guy will be so lovely but be a disaster in bed.

            Another will be good in bed but have no sensuality.

            I think BD you are on your way, to finding .. You know your own body excuse me Passion, intelligence , love for all including animals.

            This is what one man taught me when I was you...


            Find a person who is passionate in everything, not just the bedroom and you will find your soul mate.

            And I did.

            He has to love everything, his job, animals, sensuality and learning about his woman and showing her what he wants, confidence but he doesn't have to be rich, just rich in that knowledge.

            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment


            • Thank you all so so much for giving me much needed encouragement. Yesterday was such a rough day sickness/emotional wise...here's hoping to a much better one today!! I can taste my coffee this morning so that's a good start! lol

              I got a random text from him last night that just said "Hope you're getting better". I responded, "Not yet..hopefully soon. Thanks.".

              My BIGGEST issue with him, or I should say, the issue I predicted BEING an issue if things went long term was the lack of job thing. He's a musician. He gets totally engulfed in it. To some extent I can relate. I consider music to be like an addiction for those of us passionate about it. As long as I've known him, he's worked. Up until the past few months. His excuse is that he believes work interferes with his music. I told him work allows him the resources and freedoms he needs to truly pursue his music. We are alike in our passion for the arts... but different in our career ambitions...which is fine if you have the right passion for each other.

              You're right Kel. I need someone who not just appreciates my passions, but understands them to some extent. This has shown me a lot about myself. Once I get past the missing him and the feelings of rejection (which I have found are sometimes the hardest to get over...), I know I will be a better person. I "expressed" my feelings to him, which I hardly ever do with a man....and he rejected those feelings. He rejected me. Sure, that stings......but it has happened for a reason.

              I love you gals (and guys!).
              "Be what you're looking for."

              Comment


              • Hope you are feeling better. I like the nonchalant way you responded to his text. Short, simple and to the point. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you are being thought of

                Comment


                • Who the heck is Kel?



                  He didn't reject them, he chose to not accept them, through selfishness, a musician like I said is a floater... They know, if tied down, they may give in on their own passions and nothing can get in their way

                  Remember that.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • I like the nonchalant way you responded to his text. Short, simple and to the point
                    I'm great at pretending like I don't care. Haha. I haven't heard from him since. I don't really expect to.

                    Who the heck is Kel?
                    No clue. Must've been a typo. haha

                    You're right. Music seems to be his passion, his only passion. While I respect the passion, I think he uses it as an excuse, as a crutch. It's holding him back in life...and he will always use it as an excuse to be no different and to not pursue anything else.

                    Can't help but think of him today. What's he doing? Is he sharing this day with someone else? Is he thinking of me? You know...blah blah blah. haha. I know the missing him will cease eventually. But...until then....
                    "Be what you're looking for."

                    Comment


                    • Isn't it grrr being a woman

                      If a man can touch us sensually and allow us to be vulnerable, our emotions automatically kick in, whereby, as usual, it takes a lot more for a man to fall in love with a woman

                      IDK, the dreams could be realllllly good BD
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • So this weekend was an odd one. When I'm going "out" there is really only one place I go because I live in a college town but don't care for the college student scene. The bar I frequent is "his" mother's bar. I've gone there for years. Anyhow, I met up with some friends there Friday. He was bartending for her. He acted fine around me. Not overly friendly or anything, but not rude. I didn't pay him much mind since I was busy with friends...but was reasonably friendly with him. The next night some friends and I met up there again. I knew that if he had worked the night before, he wouldn't likely be working that night as well and he wasn't. But towards the end of the night he and one of his friends showed up. I didn't really acknowledge him or anything, just went on about my business. But he LITERALLY hid from me. He went into the back and would not come out. I wasn't even trying to talk to him, trying to be around him, or anything. His friend came out and started talking to me and could then tell that I was upset. He said he didn't know why he was acting that way. I was so embarrassed and so angry for him to treat me that way. So when I left, I sent him a text that said "You're supposed to be my friend. Eff (except I used a naughtier word) you for treating me like a piece of trash." He didn't respond and I haven't heard from him since. I got home that night and felt two foot tall. Used. Taken advantage of. Hurt. Angry. Embarrassed.

                        Sometimes I think there are no real answers for things. I mean, there's no reason good "enough" for him to treat me like he has. I still check my phone every morning to see if he has messaged me... and each time he hasn't, it hurts. But it has and will continue to get a little better with time. I hate that I feel like I lost a friend...but clearly he wasn't much of one to begin with.

                        So....let the healing begin.
                        "Be what you're looking for."

                        Comment


                        • The problem with being a man - especially a young man, and we all know what they think of most of the time - is that when they get an opportunity to have sex with a woman, especially a hot one, it can be difficult to turn down. It's much, much easier when you're in a happy relationship, but most difficult when your single and horny. Even if you know a friendship could be ruined or problems can arise, it's easier to go forth and sin. And even harder not to go back and do it again if the sex is G-O-O-D.

                          This guy probably ran away when he realized he was entering 'relationship' territory. I'm sorry to say that, and it isn't a criticism towards the OP, it's just how some men's minds work I'm afraid. He knew he'd done wrong, hence the hiding and wasn't brave or mature enough to face up to an adult confrontation. This guy is probably just a young, horny commitment-phoebe who didn't/couldn't exercise the judgement and/or decency to break things of sooner or manage the OP's expectations.

                          I'm sure you'll find better, and a taste of the sour only makes the sweet taste sweeter...
                          Last edited by Harmony; 11-27-2012, 10:06 AM.
                          No matter how objective we try to be, we all see through our own eyes...

                          Comment


                          • The problem with being a man - especially a young man, and we all know what they think of most of the time - is that when they get an opportunity to have sex with a woman, especially a hot one, it can be difficult to turn down. It's easier when you're in a happy relationship, but most difficult when you're single and horny. Even if you know a friendship could be ruined or problems can arise, it's easier to go forth and sin. And even harder not to do again if the sex is G-O-O-D.

                            This guy probably ran away when he realized he was entering 'relationship' territory. I'm sorry to say that, and it isn't a criticism towards the OP, it's just how some men's minds work I'm afraid. He knew he'd done wrong, hence the hiding and wasn't brave or mature enough to face up to an adult confrontation. This guy is probably just a young, horny commitment-phoebe who didn't/couldn't exercise the judgement and/or decency to break things of sooner or manage the OP's expectations.

                            I'm sure you'll find better, and a taste of the sour only makes the sweet taste sweeter...
                            I think you're exactly right. I thought he knew me well enough to know that as busy as I am, a "commitment" isn't what I'm looking for in terms of "oh we have to be together all the time, call me every day, do everything together" type of thing. I think he, for whatever reason, lost interest in me and rather than being an adult and just saying "I'm just not feeling this anymore...let's go back to being just friends" (which I would've been TOTALLY cool with), he acted like a high school aged boy. It's confusing when someone treats you that way, as an adult...we just expect more. I do hate to lose the friendship I at least thought we had. But, whatever his reasoning is for doing me this way, is good enough reason for me to stay away. I'm not sure why I expected him to act anything other than a teenage boy, when he pretty much lives the life of one. ****sigh****

                            You're wise in your assessment. Indeed.
                            "Be what you're looking for."

                            Comment


                            • One thing that would make me feel better FOR SURE is if Aunt Flow would come on and show up. COME ON AUNT FLOW!!! (Everyone do a AF dance for me okay? )
                              "Be what you're looking for."

                              Comment

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