[brisvegasbaby]

My man and I have been together for 18 months. We don't live together but live close by so we spend a lot of time together.
I know that it is common for couples to have less sex after a while but this just seems ridiculous. We went from having sex 3-5 times a week to once. He is affectionate, lots of kisses and hugs and hand holding. He tells me that he loves me often. But like I said we rarely have sex anymore and he wont communicate to me about why. We used to have very open dialogue but whenever I ask about sex or his other worries he clams up.
When I ask about sex he gets frustrated and says that he was just too tired and maybe a little depressed because of his job. He also suggested that I have a higher sex drive because I am 5 years younger.
However he watches porn often when I am not there. So I think that the excuse of tired/ depressed is bogus.
I have tried the following- lingerie, nice nighties, dressing up/ costumes, role plays, sexy text messages, dying my hair back to blonde as he prefers it, wearing less make-up because he prefers it, being around less/ spending less time at his house, being spontaneous, asking him to have a shower with me and outright asking what I can do.
Nothing works for very long. Whenever I try to broach the topic he refuses to tell me why we are having less sex and insists there is nothing I can do. After these conversations he initiates sex that night or the next morning/ day. While I am happy to have sex these times and have my desires met, it screams of pity sex or guilt sex.
I have no idea what to do. This is crushing me, my self esteem is evaporating and it makes me feel unsexy and undesirable. I catch my self in moments of self loathing that I thought I had left in the past, many many years ago...

He had started to play A LOT of video games lately and is rarely interested in going out places with me. If I go and do something and leave him playing video games he gets angry at me. Its like he wants me in the house doing something else while he plays games...

In addition he smokes heaps of weed. I don't smoke at all, when we first got together he smoked a joint every night but that was all. I never said a word about it even though I don't smoke myself. Now he smokes so much more than that and he now smokes bongs. I hate bongs.
He says he is miserable with his job and doesn't feel intellectually stimulated. He is dissapointed at him self for dropping out of Uni and for never going back. He says that for the last 10 years since he left it is an ongoing cycle of hating his job and regret about Uni which makes him smoke more weed and drink more booze which dulls his motivation to change. I have said that I am more than happy to support him emotionally etc if he decides to go back to Uni but he says that its too late, hes too old, he doesn't want to give up weed yet, he doesn't want to have no money etc etc. He then clams up again and doesn't want to talk about it.
He knows that he is not happy, he knows what he needs to do to change but he wont. Smoking weed is more important.
And I daresay that the weed is effecting our sex life too..
WHAT IS GOING ON? What can I do?

[Pollon]

It does sound like he's suffering from some level of depression. However, he is not helping himself at all with the video games and pot. The question you need to ask is if you see any future with a depressed, pot smoking, uni dropout. You can't make him change, so how much time do you want to waste waiting around?

You might try saying, "Honey, this isn't working for me. I wish it would, so let's call it off for a few months. If, after 4 months, you have quit the smoking, found a new job or enrolled in uni and are ready to be more engaged with me, we'll pick it up again. Otherwise, I will start dating others again."

Good luck

[Sunlight72]

You know - if a person wants their desire and physical arousal to zip up, the best thing they can do is shun porn and spend those moments of desire picturing and anticipating being with their partner. The worst thing they can do is load up on porn and especially masturbation. He's not into you enough to focus his time and energy on his own emotional strength and health and build something better with you.

As to what you should do - Pollon hit the nail on the head.

You have to either accept him the way he is (and happily), or leave him.

The only middle ground (from what you've written) is to tell him what will and won't work for you, let him decide if it's any good for him, and then limit contact to only phone or meeting in public places. I don't think it is very respectful to him, and I don't think it will work. He's made many little decisions, and several large decisions to get where he is now. If he wants to change, it can only work if he changes of his own choice, and honey, he ain't choosing it.

He can't (and really shouldn't) change for your happiness, because it makes you two unequal. It makes you too much his mother and boss. You will lose respect for him even if he makes the changes, and you'll always wonder if he wanted to change for himself or if you'll need to keep hen pecking him to keep him in line.

Sorry.

Best Wishes,
Sunlight

[Rlbutler89]

If I didn't know any better I'd almost say we have the same boyfriend. I have similar complaints about mine. We have sex but it has to be when he wants it. So when I want to be intimate he makes me feel undesirable. His weed and video games are becoming more of his daily routine. And he says the fact that he is seasonally laid off gets to him. I don't know what to do anymore either. And we do live together.

[tonypal]

Hi,
It sounds like it may be time to seperate.
If it is too much for you to handle and it sounds like it is,
You should tell him you want to stop seeing him for a set amount of time.
Whatever time you decide on, a month or so and think about the relationship
and if you want to continue being seperated or call it quits or try staring over.
I think some time away may be helpful.
Take your time.

[Lula88]

My boyfriend doesn't smoke weed, but he does use the Internet a lot and obsesses over sports incessantly. I get it, it's a welcome distraction from the fact that he has stresses. We all have stresses, but I can never understand why those distractions can take over the meaningful aspects of a relationship. The problem is that I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 9 years (living together for 8) and although these behaviors have existed in minor capacity over the years, it has never been like this. It all seemed to coincide with him finishing Uni and being worried about finding a job. Sex is a non-existant pipe dream at this point (maybe once a month) and it all revolves around him wanting it (which is never). I'm so used to being an assertive woman that doesn't take drama or crappy situations, that it seriously amazes me how I can be in this situation after this many years with a person I thought I knew. I guess love is just insane!

[amy37]

Very clearly the sex drive issue IS due to the porn, regardless of what he says.

It also does sound like he is slightly depressed about life. Men shut down like that when they dont want to talk about something.

he takes you for granted because you're clinging to him and handling all of the relationship yourself.

I would pull away from him, and make him chase you for a while. then if he lets you get too far away, i would break-up with him. he may never change, and his current state is something you need to question if you want to spend the rest of your youth with him.

[Trisha23]

Depression can really affect a man's sex drive. And for now, I guess your partner needs serious assistance. Have him opened his feelings and sentiments to you to better understand him.

[jns]

OP, there is nothing stopping anyone from going back to get more education. I did it at 40 and stayed at it for 10 years building up my background on computers, programming, networking, administration, security, etc. Even though I wasn't going for an additional degree, the continuing education helped with advancement at my work and allowed me to jump from a technician job to an engineer job.

[MoeJr]

Totally agree with everyone..NEVER TOO LATE TO LEARN . As far as the video games and pot. I can tell you from first hand experience it probably is a way out of reality. Video games take involvement, focus, actually for many becomes reality while playing. The pot simply intensifies this. Creating a less actual reality environment, a place where his worries, thoughts, struggling issues are not. There is only one way I know of to fix suxh a thing.....walk away...him not you. He needs to just walk away from the video games and attemp the same with the pot. For myself during a struggling marriage, I drown myself in world of warcraft, simply exiting the real world. It wasn't until my divorce and the fact I wanted my children with me, that i realized I had withdrawn from living. ( fyi) I have full custody of my two boys and 3 years later im back to the game but controllably so. Wish you the best !