[Missredd]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half now. I have some trust issues from my previous marriage and from a relationship before that. This is my 3rd serious relationship, I'm 36. My first two realtionships, I was cheated on by both men. So of course now, I'm always skeptikal. About a month and a half ago he was over to my house and his phone rang, he was sleeping. I went to answer it and before I got there whomever it was hung up. I'm not sure what prompted me to look at his text messages but I did. I know I probably shouldn't have but I did. Anyhow, what I saw shook me to my core. He saw an old flame at a pizza place and she text him and he text back, so on and so forth. Let me add that he takes a sleeping aid by the name of Ambien, keep that in mind. After leaving the pizza place he came to my house, he fell aslpeep as I stated before. Well in these text messages he was attempting to hook up with her. I was ****ed, I couldn't talk to him because he was sleep so i called her. Now, before you say it, I know I shouldn't have because she didn't owe me any explantion, it was him. he said that he didn't even remember texting or nor how he got to my home. Slight amnesia is one of the side effects from those meds, I did the research. I let that go, but now I don't trust him. About 3 weeks ago, he told me he needed a break from me because we were arguing alot. We hadn't been intimate that week or the 2 weeks following. It was like he was on a hiatus from me and the relationship. Of course my mind began to wonder. Then, this past Monday he received a text message after midnight that said "Hi". I'm like okay, who was that?? He's like idk, I called the number back and it was some Indian man. I'm like okay, promise me that you don't know who that is and he got angry. He told me to call for myself but I chose not to because of what I'd experinced in the weeks prior. He's angry because I don't trust him and he said he's never lied to me before. But the whole text message situation has me shook up and I don't know what to do. I love and want to be with him but my question is, how do I get that trust back?? I feel very insecure in this relationship and he doesn't seem to understand that he caused this. Any suggestions???

[BabyGirl]

Snooping is Wrong and never does anything but bring up Questions and Suspicions.

Whether he takes Meds or Not and if side effects are Forgetfulness, If you love him and all else seems ok , I'd start with him Changing his Phone # . So Old Contacts that he does not know or past Contacts that he doesn't want to call him, Cant.
The Only people that will know his # is those that he wants to have it .

You can and most likely Drive him away if you are constantly accusing him or mistrusting him .
Sit Down , see if he will change #'s ( not companies or Contracts with Companies ), then once done, start over .
You will know soon enough if you and he should Continue this relationship.
Also caution him on the Ambien, It is Dangerous to Drive or Operate Machinery on some of these Sleep pills.
He should only take them After he gets " Home " and will not be Driving .

[Missredd]

How do I learn to trust him again??

Thanks but I've asked him to change his number and he won't. He had alot of past females that he's messed around with and when we got together as they contacted him he took care of it. I just feel like I can't trust him for some reason. I do know that a person will grow tired of being baggered all the time and it will definitely put a wedge between us. I guess I have to learn some different strategies to overcome this trust and insecurity thing...also, he knows the effects of the meds. He drinks while he takes them too. smh....

[BabyGirl]

[I][
If he is unwilling to change his Number. personally that would be the end of the relationship for me.
There is No reason to have Ex's Phone #'s in the phone, unless you have a Child together and Must talk for the Behalf of the Child .

You'll tear yourself up, Wondering and Worrying .
Go find someone who cares and Respects you and your feelings .

Also if he drinks and knows that it is Dangerous , Then it's time you let go of him . He is choosing to put his and others lives in Danger .
Not someone I'd want to have in my life, never knowing if he may come home or get in an accident or Kill someone , because he chooses to risk taking Meds and drinking .

Don't you deserve better ? I think you do .






/I]

[Pollon]

I see several issues here that suggest he is not a long-term keeper.

1) He is irresponsible with regard to the meds and drinking.
2) He doesn't really respect women (too many past relationships)
3) He doesn't really respect you (why is he attempting to "hook up" with his ex?)
4) He certainly isn't committed to you (he needs a break, rather than working through the issues)
5) You have serious doubts about his honesty

With your experience, why would you continue this relationship?

[Pollon]

Of course your question was how do you learn to trust him again.

The answer is that he has to want to earn your trust and make moves to earn it back. In other words, it is up to him. Evidence suggests he doesn't care to earn it. If he did, he would make the moves you request. By staying with him, you show that he really doesn't have to earn your trust to keep you.

[Missredd]

Thanks for your post. I can't change his past although I hate it. I didn't get the break part either, I didn't know how to respond to that, I've never been told that before. Idk why I saty other than love. I don't think I would have a problem getting someone because I'm a pretty attractive young lady so I've been told. I don't know, I think I have some soul searching to do honestly....

[Missredd]

Sad thing is, maybe your right. Maybe he feels like he doesn't have to work to be with me period cause I'm always there...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

We continue down the road of what we are used to. And, we take and "settle" what we get because we don't think we are good enough, attractive enough, too old, not worthy or lonliness.

Sex / intimacy becomes love immediately and we take the person that we are with and say we love them. YET, deep down inside we see so many red flags, so many things we don't like, so many traits and not much in simularity, not much laughter, not much love given back.. Yet, we try to love them even more so that they will love us, so that we will be loved....

People don't "say" you are good looking you ARE good looking and you need to see it and realise it.

You've been down this road before why continue it? The journey can stop if you decide to.

The only trust you need at the moment is trust in yourself that you are worth more than you are giving yourself credit for. That you can actually sit back and make a management decision of what you want out of life, what type of person you want in it, what you will now accept and what you wont.

Throughout our teens and early 20's and even early 30's for some, we are still lost souls allowing this "chemistry" to make up our mind of what love is. And, we go with the flow only to get hurt over and over again.

Trust me. It is time for you to sit down and look at yourself, make that list, tell yourself who you really are, beautiful inside and out and that you will NOT accept cheating anymore, will not accept anyone that is not honest, lies, isn't committed, doesn't understand what constitutes a relationship, doesn't see you as a beautiful soul inside... And walk with your head high, don't look, let it come to you.

Once you do that trust doesn't matter anymore. Because, you won't accept any carp, ever again and you won't attract it either.

[Missredd]

Yeah, he's pretty stubborn and he doesn't really show emotion at all until he gets angry!! It's crazy, I've been praying alot about this situation because there are times where i question whether or not I should stay. I love him but i love me more and I want to be happy. Thanks for the advice!!!