[Italdo]

My bf and I have been in a relationship for nearly three years. I'm 21, he was my first proper bf and was my first. We've never argued, always share everything with each other and have done so much together. for the first two years of my relationship I was madly in love and was convicted I would spend the rest of my life with him...but for the past 8 months everything seems to have changed. I don't find him attractive anymore, I get bored when I'm with him and I really don't want to sleep with him. Sex has never been enjoyable for me with him and now I'm curious to know if I would enjoy it with someone else. I find myself wanting more, I find him immature and I know it's horrible, but i find him a little stupid sometimes. Little things he does annoys me so easily. My dad died this year and that's when things seemed to get worse for me - I became less interested in him - I don't know if I feel like this because of the stress of losing my dad or because I need to admitt to myself that my bf isn't the right person for me to spend the rest of my life with. Please help me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Italdo,

Welcome to our Forum and I am sincerely so sorry for you loss. It is very difficult to lose a parent at any age, let alone yours.

I feel a couple of things here.

We, as girls grow up fast. Every say 3 - 4 years we really are totally different than the previous 3-4 years. I guess Mother Nature has a blame in that We learn intution as we have to, in preperation of that day a little ray of sunshine enters our lives. But with boys? (Sorry guys reading you guys are boys all your lives), :P They have no real need to grow up quickly, they don't want to learn responsibilities because that means finances, committments, work... Yet we are the responsible ones, so we do start to think in all of those directions.

I think after a year and a half, people relax more in their relationship. The difference between "love and lust" then will start to show. Maybe, you were enjoying the laughter, the hugs, the warmth, the togetherness and maybe you didn't actually notice if you really like the same things, feels the same way about life, have the same core values, morals.

It also sounds as if, sex was just that all the way through, just sex. Two people communicating over their sexual desires, likes, dislikes can often get passed that I guess you have to ask yourself if you were to do that, would it change?

And, if you were to sit down with him and tell him all the good things about him but also the things you are not comfortable with, would he try to compromise?

The other thing is we girls love our Dads... You will always love him and believe me, he will always watch over you... But, in that, we do tend to try to find that "Father" image. It's what we have known for years and years, the love....

Have a think whether you do not see your boyfriend in that light and whether that could be clouding your thoughts or whether you have grown up in to a young lady and have out grown this guy, because we do do that too.

[Euphoric]

It's hard to say if your feelings for your BF have changed because of stress or because you are growing as a person. You are 21 and this is your first proper BF. My opinion - you don't know what else life has to offer you in the way of relationships other than what you have experienced with one guy. You are young. You need to spread your wings and see what else life has to offer. I think it's kind of normal to feel like you will spend your life with your first love, but that doesn't always happen.

I don't find him attractive anymore, I get bored when I'm with him and I really don't want to sleep with him. Sex has never been enjoyable for me with him and now I'm curious to know if I would enjoy it with someone else. I find myself wanting more, I find him immature and I know it's horrible, but i find him a little stupid sometimes. Little things he does annoys me so easily.

Look at it this way - you realize that you are looking for more. You'd rather explore your options now than to settle down and wonder what you missed out on. This doesn't make you a horrible person, it just means that you are smart enough to know when to say when. Do you want to settle down with a man who doesn't satisfy you intellectually or sexually?

You have been feeling this way for 8 months, not 8 days or 8 weeks. You have given this serious thought and time to see if your feelings are going to change, and so far, they haven't. Explore. Have fun. You have plenty of time to settle down.