[raindropsugarcane]

Hi there! I've posted before, but ill give a bit of background. 21 yr. old college student who has never been in a physical relationship. Because I have trouble meeting/ connecting with people of flesh and bone, about a year ago I started Internet dating on eharmony. In August I began emailing a man I found interesting. He lives VERY far from me, which made me hesitant to keep in contact. My responses to him became more and more infrequent because I was distracted by school and the distance issue weighed on me. In the emails we did exchange--we told each other our life stories. Earlier this month I had been thinking about him quite a bit. As he had given his number a few months I finally text him. We have been calling and texting for about a week and a half now. Here's the crux of my issue. It easy to tell by the things he says that he is a sexual person. He has tried to get me to have a sexual conversation--asking me questions about my own sexual habits. Thinking of the side of myself that has been missing out on sexual expression with a partner, I know I would enjoy this. I consider myself very sexual. But I am a virgin who (I can tell) largely associates emotional connection with sex. So I let it be known to him that I want our interactions to be "as innocent as possible".He said this was fine. He has kind of withdrawn a bit since this conversation. I am wondering if I have a narrow perspective. Is phone sex really that big a deal? Can it just be fun? Can you really "give yourself to someone" over the phone? Sometimes I think I am too cautious. I kind of just want to let go and send him a tastefully suggestive pic. Is this an unsafe thing to do? Why be afraid of this? You don't have to answer all of these questions... It's just where my mind went. Anyhow, any input, different perspectives on the situation?

[Element]

I was 24 when I met a guy online. We talked via chat engines and skype before we met face to face. We were up front with each other from the get go of what we were searching for in a relationship, what kind of people that we are, and that we were wanting to know what could happen between us, regardless that we were 600 miles apart. I was a virgin at the time, he's a single father who was at the time 30 years old. I had told him when we began that I do not view sex lightly, I have never considered someone's first time having sex to be something "to get over with". I view it as the most physical intimacy that someone can share. That to perform such an act; you have to be completely open, completely vulnerable to the person. You are butt naked, trusting the person to listen to you, to not harm you, to not get theirs and leave; never to be heard from again. You're sharing something that you can ONLY share with them. No one else will have those moments with you, no one else will have that honor of being your first. My man knew how I felt and viewed giving away my virginity, and he respected me to the utmost and treated me like a queen when we did have our first night together.

It was only after we had our few days together then he went back to his state, that we had started sharing intimate photos, video chats and chat engine chats. Myself, being a noob to it all, I wasn't very good at it. But he knew that I was trying and he helped to gently guide me. It's all on being comfortable. If you are not, it can be seen. So it has to be your choice, you have to be willing to put in the effort and work with your partner.

My own personal view on "giving yourself to someone" via phone, or chat engines, video chats; to a certain point, yes. But standing before that person IS necessary. You two have to be willing to meet, for him to come to you, or you two meet halfway.

I believe that for long distance to work, you have to be always completely honest when talking. Never be fake, never try to hide. They need to know YOU, so don't waste time. Even if you reach a hard subject, let them know, work on being able to speak on the subject. You may need time to be able to fully speak on it, but you have to be willing to try for them. And you'll know what kind of being they are if they will push beyond your boundaries, or wait for you to be able to speak to them about it.

In the end it will come down to yours and his effort to make the relationship work. What you two are seeking in the long run. Because sooner or later the distance has to be closed. After being together for 10months I moved to my guy's state and we have been living together with his son for almost a year. So far we are making it work. But I honestly tell you; a relationship will always take work. The moment you stop working at it, is the moment it fails.

So at the end of it, you have a lot of questions to ask yourself, a lot to think about.

[mzhk]

Raindropsugarcane - Every situation is different. But as an older female I'd sincerely suggest you think things through all. I was in a smilar situation as you a few years back. The only difference between you & i? is that i was introduced by a female friend. I thought because she's a female too? She'd think clearly before wanting to introduce someone to me? long story short she didnt think she just wanted to get rid of him because he was harassing her. I didnt know that in the beginning. Long story short I hadnt had much experience with the opposite sex i thought " what harm could this do "? Next thing I know I meet him face to face? i find out that the pix i sent him? he had forwarded to all of his friends . He ended up leaving me with so many bruises i coudlnt count. Between all the therapy i had from age 22 til now? that I'm 28? I wish I could alot of it back. I know different situation but i'd still like to tell you to THINK very clearly.

[raindropsugarcane]

Thank you for the outside perspective on the situation. I think I have my sanity back now. I will give this guy a little more time and then if things still come up, I'll end it. I'm just so... frustrated. Internet dating is no picnic. I thought myself a good judge of character, especially with this one. It totally surprised me that he talked like he did when he brought up sex. There was nothing like that in the emails. Not that he is of bad character, I just didn't see this coming. Thanks Element and Mzhk. You were a lot of help!

[Element]

I'm glad that you were able to think things through. When you're dealing with a long distance relationship, I can't stress enough that you have to learn to know the person, speak with them, get to know them, you start to learn their reactions to things. You may not be able to be face to face, able to reach out and touch them, but you learn about them as you do any friend. Let that relationship go on for months until you feel your own relationship has reached that "sexual point." When all you have is communication, you are forced to know someone. And if they are liars, pushy, anything of the sort, it comes out to be seen by all.