[Heartbrokenjd]

I'm a 30-year-old female and I am currently in my first and only serious relationship but I am so conflicted by it. I met the guy who is my boyfriend when we went to school together so have known of each other since we were 5. I moved to another town when I was 11 and obviously I lost touch with him since we weren't friends. In March 2012 he found me on Facebook and said he had been looking for me as he always remembered me. We started chatting regularily after that. He lives on the other side of the country to me, 2000km/1250mi from where I live so at best I believed it would just be friendship. After a few months we both started developing feelings for each other and agreed to give a long distance relationship a go. Things were really great between us to start off with but slowly things started going wrong.

After 4 months of getting to know him I found out that he had a 4-year-old daughter from a previous relationship who he hadn't ever met and didn't see. He said that it was not his choice to have no contact but the mother's. It concerned me that he hadn't told me about his daughter as I feel that is significant and people should be honest about things like that in a relationship. He claimed he was ashamed to tell me in case I didn't like him. Even though I felt strongly that it was wrong of him not to tell me I let the situation go.

A few weeks after this we were having a discussion about our future and he said that he wanted to immigrate to England as there are between prospects there for our future. I have never wanted to leave South Africa and told him this. I said I would be willing to go for perhaps 2 years but then I wanted to return to South africa. I told him that I wanted to raise my family here so that my parents could be involved with the children's lives too. He got very upset about this and raised his voice to me telling me that everything has to be my way. He then threatened to go to this girl's house that he knows and spend the night with her. This upset me a lot and the next morning I ended things with him. He apologised and ended up crying on the phone saying he never meant it and he would never do anything like that. He said he was so in love with me and knew what he had said was wrong and would never say anything like that again to me. I agreed to give it another chance because I did love him so much.

Things went alright for a while after that but then again started going bad. He started getting frustrated about us living so far apart. In the 6 months we had been together he hadn't once come to visit me. He claimed he couldn't afford it, was terrified of flying and couldn't get time off work. I suggested meeting half way across the country and therefore sharing the cost but he wouldn't have this. He said he wanted to come and visit me but couldn't. He then started getting very upset about me having male friends. I have had some of these friends for 14 years and there have never been any romantic feelings between us. They are like my brothers to me. He insisted that I stop talking to them and seeing them. He also said he would stop chatting with the girls he's friends with because it also made me a little jealous but I would never have insisted he stop talking to them.

He got upset about me wanting to go to a concert of my favourite band and said that he didn't like the idea of his girlfriend going to things like that because of what can happen there (one of his previous girlfriends cheated on him with someone at a concert). I had already bought the ticket and desperatly wanted to go. It was the first time this band had ever performed here and I had been a fan for 11 years. I eventually went to the concert but have kept it from him because I know he'll get very angry with me.

During this low in our relationship he also told me that he had spent a day with a girl he knows who likes him. He had ignored me that whole day and I thought he was sleeping. It upset me a lot knowing that he was with some other girl while I was at home hoping to hear from him. I had left him alone when I thought he was sleeping because previously he had said when he was sleeping he wanted to be left alone and didn't see whay he was obligated to talk to me. After this episode I needed a break from it all and went to Thailand for two weeks by myself. I only let him know the morning I left which I know was wrong but at this point I didn't think he deserved to be involved in my life. Throughout my stay in Thailand we communicated but it was mostly him telling me that he didn't want this relationship anymore and that he was going to be with the girl he had first threatened to sleep with 4 months into our relationship. We eventually worked things out and stayed together.

Throughout our relationship he has also been incredibly jealous of one of my very good friends. He claims that I become someone else around her, that I neglect him when I'm having an evening out with her because he doesn't hear from me as much as normal and he has called her names. He says he feels second best to her. I am not the type of person who will dump her friends because she has a boyfriend and I try to give time to everyone. He definitely receives more time than anyone.

Over New Years he eventually came to visit me. He spent 4 days with me and it was an amazing time. I definitely did not want him to leave. As soon as he got home though things went back to how they had been before. He became the biggest *** ever. He again brought up the issue with my friend again saying I put her first. Things just went downhill from there. He ended up swearing at me and calling me names such as c******. He told me that I was fat, ugly and stupid. He has often told me that I am selfish and have a stupid mentality. He insulted my family calling my mom an alcoholic and told me my dad was useless at his work and thats why he does woodwork (my dad is retired). I stopped speaking to him for a few days but then he apologised and said he loved me and was just being an *** and wouldn't do it again. I told him that things weren't going to work out between us which he didn't like and to get back at me he pretended to not know his HIV status even though previously he had told me it was negative. After asking my parents for help they phoned him to ask him to leave me alone and he ended up swearing at my mom on the phone and calling her names too. This to me is unacceptable.

I stopped all communication with him for a few days so that I could have time to think. I began speaking with him again so that I could explain my feelings about all this and that at this point I don't want to be in a relationship. He says he's going to change and can't imagine life without me. He says he wants to marry me and have children with me. He says that it will never be how it was before because he realises how wrong he was and doesn't want to ever lose me. I am so conflicted because I do love him very much and can't imagine life without him but surely a relationship shouldn't be like this? I come from a family where my parents don't swear at each other or call each other names and that is what I want. Ending it with him is so hard and I feel empty inside and as if a piece of me is missing when I don't hear from him or talk to him. I don't know if he will ever change but should I give him the chance to since he says he will because he realises what he will lose because of how he was?

[Claret]

And you want him in your life -- why? I am not reading of any redeeming qualities that should draw a person (you) to him. He yells at you, he demeans you, he tries to cut you off from your family and from your friends. What's with the money issue? Does he ask you for money? Who paid for the trip to see you?

Why would you allow any person to yell and swear at you, call your Mother names and call her an alcoholic? He is jealous of some friends of yours and he can't even be bothered to find out who they are.

This person is showing all the early signs of being an abuser. He is trying to control you, he is trying to control who you see, limit your interaction with other friends, family and I think he will start asking for money really soon. If you were living together I could see a slap or a push to begin with and then he'd apologize. Then perhaps a kick or a punch. . . then he'd apologize. Get the picture.

Put yourself first, I think you already have come to the right conclusion (you don't need him in your life) but are afraid to say the words out loud so I will, "Kick him to the curb!".

[Heartbrokenjd]

Thanks Claret. I agree that I am afraid to say the words out loud and end it. The good times are really good and we love doing the same things like camping, fishing etc which I've never experienced with anyone else. He's the only guy who's ever loved me, kissed me and wanted to be with me. I'm scared of not finding that again.

[Pollon]

This guy has a version of "Love Addiction." He NEEDS the good feelings he gets when you are "together." He can be very seductive, sweet, charming, kind, etc. when things are good. He will lie to you about his history if he thinks that will scare you away. He knows how to manipulate women and get them hooked on him.

However, when he senses any threat to the relationship, he panics and begins flailing around in an effort to save it.

Friends, other men, your family, concerts, etc. are all perceived as threats to him, so he attempts to push them completely out of the picture.

He will try to isolate you by 1) Demanding that you remove people from your life, 2) Threaten to cheat on or leave you when you refuse his demands, 3) Create friction with your friends and family by being rude to them, AND 4) if you ever end up living together, physically hurt you.

His invitation to take you to England was another attempt to isolate you from everything you know and make it harder to escape. Please don't fall for this. If you find yourself still considering this guy, do some more research on him. I would bet the mother of his child and his past girlfriends experienced the same things and that is why they left him. Some might have been abused physically. I would suggest you speak to his siblings (if he will let you) and see what they will offer.

Good luck

[Heartbrokenjd]

This guy has a version of "Love Addiction." He NEEDS the good feelings he gets when you are "together." He can be very seductive, sweet, charming, kind, etc. when things are good. He will lie to you about his history if he thinks that will scare you away. He knows how to manipulate women and get them hooked on him.

However, when he senses any threat to the relationship, he panics and begins flailing around in an effort to save it.

Friends, other men, your family, concerts, etc. are all perceived as threats to him, so he attempts to push them completely out of the picture.

He will try to isolate you by 1) Demanding that you remove people from your life, 2) Threaten to cheat on or leave you when you refuse his demands, 3) Create friction with your friends and family by being rude to them, AND 4) if you ever end up living together, physically hurt you.

His invitation to take you to England was another attempt to isolate you from everything you know and make it harder to escape. Please don't fall for this. If you find yourself still considering this guy, do some more research on him. I would bet the mother of his child and his past girlfriends experienced the same things and that is why they left him. Some might have been abused physically. I would suggest you speak to his siblings (if he will let you) and see what they will offer.

Good luck

Thanks for the advice Pollon. My parents have spoken to his uncle before and he told them that this guy was bad news and I should avoid him. His mother approached me and told me that he has also been verbally abusive to her but is very loving. She is very keen for us to get married. I have asked him why the mother of his child left and he said that it was because he had treated her in the same way as he was treating me. I don't know his siblings and feel a bit strange approaching them.

[Pollon]

I know it is hard to walk away from a relationship that sometimes feels so good. Women often try to minimize the bad parts in order to hang onto the good. However, I would ask, how many people have you met who have been married for years and tell you, "Oh the good parts got even better and the bad stuff faded away." For completely healthy relationships (where the only complaints were really about small idiosyncrasies) you might here that, but for the ones who went ahead and married a guy with an anger problem, substance abuse or disrespect, the story almost always ends in misery that, if there are children, hangs on for a lifetime.

Admitting that his behavior caused the break with his ex is a very good sign. If you want to give this a chance, I would suggest putting the marriage on hold pending the outcome of real couples counseling. That means at least six months of serious work in which he fully participates (including individual therapy), grows and changes both his behavior and thinking.

It seems odd to me that you would marry someone without meeting the family and having him meet your family. Marriage is NOT just two people. It is the blending of two families. Some blend more than others, but there is a relationship that matters.

You have been warned by people who know him better than you do. He has a track record. Be careful.

Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Welcome to WH....

You know, for 6 years I have been reading simular stories to yours.

His invitation to take you to England was another attempt to isolate you from everything you know and make it harder to escape. Please don't fall for this.

This is extremely good advice from Pollon amongst all of what our valued members have advised you.

All I can add to you, is.

It's understandably at 30 you want a proper relationship. Our biological clock is ticking and more so, we so want to feel loved..

And, there are two types of "people" in this World. Users and Non-users.

This man, is pulling your strings. He knows you have been alone along time. He is hoping you will do what ever it is he wants and when he "thought" he'd lost you, he came over, yet from what I read, fear of planes, pure no, ....

This is what tricked you. But you have to understand, it was a selfish act on his behalf to "keep" you....

I'd like to say I trust this man but I don't.

He did not tell you about the child.
He lied about fear of planes.
He witheld important information from you.
He's controlling.
He's jealous.
He has anger issues.
He "is" in my opinion, seeing that girl.
He uses your emotions to reel you in.
He apologies but does it again, it's easy to fake a tear over a phone.

His Mother "wants" him to marry she is still his Mother, she at least felt you were worth something, to tell you a bit about him.

He will indeed, never let you leave England, especially if you have a child. The child would grow up with that abuse as well, just like he did to his Mother and to you. He will call that child names, laugh at the child, tell the child they are ugly. This is manipulation to the vulnerable, weak or young. This is to manipulate you to feel you are worthless, nothing, can't find anyone better.

He has more than that as an issue...

I know you want love.

I am 48 and found it 3 years ago. When I found myself, some 6 years ago and realised all that I am, worth.... Then I just sat back and waited, refused many a date, or 2nd...

You are WORTH IT.

Now start believing in yourself.

You are still very young.

CW

[Heartbrokenjd]

Thanks for the advice CW. Everyone here has definitly offered me very good advice and I appreciate it so much.

I am also finding it hard to trust him again. Every time something more happens my trust diminishes even more. I do however believe him about his fear of flying. It was his first time flying and his entire family were amazed that he actually did that. I also do trust that he has been faithful to me the entire time and that nothing has gone on ever with that other girl. Maybe I'm being naive about it but on that I do trust him.

I think you got it spot on when you said that I want to be loved. That is all I really want....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know, we are HUMAN..

Everyone male or female who is alone, wants to be loved.

We often "settle" for what we have, after all it's a form of love. At least words are spoken, or there is one or two things that make us feel loved, such as flying over when you are in fear that is love is it not?

And, then we get confused.. Feel conflicted about our thoughts. The first thought that comes to mind is always correct.

The comments made by others, are their way of telling you, what to expect.

What you have to do, is look deeper inside yourself, at yourself, for yourself.

No one deserves to be called names.
To be lied to.
To be told they will cheat on you.
To be told not to go somewhere.
To be told who to be friends with.
To be told where to live.
To be told ..................................

Look deep inside you, look at yourself in the mirror.

He is one man out of a million or more.

If you are lonely. Feel un-loved. Want to settle.

Then change it.

Who you are inside is the most important component. Then go out there and do things that you love, join places that are apart of your life, all of a sudden many a man will be attracted to you, because you know who you are, what you will and won't accept, what you want.

I feel at the moment you are "travelling" ..............................on this Earth.. Nothing more.

You, however, are worth more.