[Brad90]

Greetings,

My girlfriend and I of seven months have started getting really serious, and I'm thinking about the long-term implications. I'm white European American and she's East Indian. her folks are from there but she grew up here in America. Culturally she and I are pretty compatible, but the families are a different story.

We have met each others', parents, and the reaction on both sides was moderately cool. Both our mothers could be happier with the arrangement.

We aren't talking marriage yet, but I'm starting to look down that road and anticipate the trouble this might give us. In addition to the parents, there's the question of how our children would be perceived/accepted, especially since we live in the southern US. (She's moderately dark-skinned, not overly much, but I guess some of that would carry over to our kids). Any advice from people in the same boat?

[jns]

I am the same as you and my wife is Asian (Thai). Since I live on the other side of the USA from my parents, I didn't allow any interference when I got married 23 years ago as I did not inform my father and I only told my mother at the last minute (we were married in Thailand).

I think mothers on both sides will come around after a while. However, I suspect she may have the harder job of getting acceptance from her parents. It may take years. On the other hand, it might be almost instantaneous once they see you two are serious and that you are willing to learn enough about Indian culture so you can fit in.

I see more of a problem of societal acceptance in the southern US. This would probably be less of a problem in urban areas, especially large cities like Atlanta. Racially mixed children are getting to be more common, even in the South.

[Pollon]

Marriage is challenging enough when you have the full support of your families. Entering marriage in open disapproval of your family is very difficult. That doesn't mean you should not go forward, but the idea that "love is all you need" is foolishness.

You have started to think about the implication of an inter-racial marriage and I would encourage you to continue down that path. This is particularly important relative to children, not only their appearance, but what traditions/religion/parenting values will be emphasized in your home.

I would suggest that both of you get a better understanding of where your parents are coming from and the cultures/traditions/expectations both they and you might have. The better you understand your parents, the more you can do to address their concerns. Though you cannot necessarily make things perfect for them, your efforts to show respect will go along way to smoothing their acceptance.

There are a couple of movies you two could watch that will get some good discussion going. I believe they are:

A Fond Kiss (2004)--an Irish-Pakistani relationship
The Namesake (2006)--an Indian--American relationship