[Amylou85]

My boyfriend and I of 8 years recently (a week ago) split up, we have 2 kids together. Within this week, he has started seeing an ex from 10 year ago. They have only hung out for a week mind you, and he is telling me today that he doesn't know what he wants, but that they are moving in together, because he lives with his Mom and needs to get out of there. She is moving here from Alabama and has no where else to go. Neither myself, nor our kids are ready for this, and my ex thinks I am being crazy by saying that. He is rushing from relationship to the next becuase he doesn't want to be alone and needs someone to take care of him. What are the chances this thing will work with this new girl? I can't have people falling in and out of my kids lives like this. Today he tells me he isn't sure what he wants, just needs something new in his life. What sense does that make? How do I handle this?

[Pollon]

I am very sorry that you and the kids are in this position. You broke up with him for some very good reasons. I suspect they included his being irresponsible, his being unable to care for you or the kids and his lack of commitment.

Though pathetic and disgusting, his moving in with someone is probably nothing out of character. As you said, he needs someone to take care of him. He will do anything to convince himself that his bad behavior is OK, including calling you "crazy."

What he is doing is running away from having to look himself in the mirror. He ran away from you, I suspect, because you pointed out how he needed to grow up. He can't live with his mother because she did the same. He is running to this other woman ("something new in his life") because she doesn't yet know how much of a dependent "boy" he is. When she figures it out, she too will push him to grow up. And when she tires of him, he will come running back to you.

Because he is so irresponsible and cannot stand looking in the mirror, I would guess he will not push very hard to see his kids. Therefore, even if you make conditions about seeing the kids which wouldn't stand up in court, he isn't going to go to court to fight them--because the judge, too, will tell him to grow up (regular visitation and child support).

So I would suggest that you do what you think is best for the kids. If that means insisting that the girlfriend not be around when the kids visit, then do that. You should insist on meeting the girl before she is allowed contact. Then you can explain the situation and set conditions. He won't like it and might "punish" the kids by not seeing them but he probably won't go to court. If he does, then you start pushing for child support.

He may never grow up, so you are going to have to teach your kids what "man" is. So please find better role models for them and be more careful about the next guy you choose for yourself.

Good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

My boyfriend and I of 8 years recently (a week ago) split up, we have 2 kids together. Within this week, he has started seeing an ex from 10 year ago. They have only hung out for a week mind you, and he is telling me today that he doesn't know what he wants, but that they are moving in together, because he lives with his Mom and needs to get out of there. She is moving here from Alabama and has no where else to go. Neither myself, nor our kids are ready for this, and my ex thinks I am being crazy by saying that. He is rushing from relationship to the next becuase he doesn't want to be alone and needs someone to take care of him. What are the chances this thing will work with this new girl? I can't have people falling in and out of my kids lives like this. Today he tells me he isn't sure what he wants, just needs something new in his life. What sense does that make? How do I handle this?

I'm kind of proud of you for being concerned for your children's welfare.

Though I don't hear any bitterness from you, is that because you both kinda fell out of love? There is love, love for a person and feeling in love. The way you wrote that, was more concerned for your children not for you which is a good thing because pain isn't easy where break ups are concerned.

You are not a door mat, having said that if he can't work out what he wants that doesn't leave the door open for him to play and then say, "oh, I realise it was you".

Relationships are hard work and often neglected. There are jobs, housework, kids, friends, loads of things that get in the way and can turn some relationships into friendships. Often this leads to one or both wanting to find something "new" funny, because the new is still in the relationship, the two people just have to find it and maintain it.

In any event if it was his ex, he wanted to be with, he would have been with her. 10 years ago, it didn't work, so I doubt it will work for now, he will get "bored" eventually as any form of lust fizzles out.

It is a shame he can't stand on his own two feet. He's too busy thinking about not wanting to live with mamma and get some excitement than he is about what he just did to his kids by leaving.

I would be asking that he see the children at his Mother's house, not this new house for the time being. He has to understand that he made the choose and you choose to keep the kids grounded and protected.

I hope you find someone a little more understanding and nurturing of a Mother and those responsibilities.