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How to Earn Forgiveness

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  • How to Earn Forgiveness

    I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for six years. The first time we broke up was after two years of being together. I ended it because it seemed like it was at that point in the relationship where you decide if you want to stay with someone forever or end it. I am a pretty clean cut person and he is into some stuff that I don't really want in my future life or my future kids' lives (primarily to do with weed). I'm all about everyone doing what makes them happy, but I just didn't want my future to be involved with that sort of thing. He could tell I was becoming unsure so, as a result, we were fighting a lot which only made things worse. To complicate matters further, I was working with a guy who was way older than me and who would talk to me about my relationship issues. I had a small crush on him but I thought it was harmless because he was married and I saw him as an adult (I was in my early twenties at the time and he in his late thirties). After a big fight I finally ended things with my boyfriend. When the older guy found out, he almost immediately put the moves on me. I really had not expected it but I went along with it because I was very sad about my breakup and wanted comfort. Anyway, it only lasted for a week and a half before I came to my senses and told him I just wanted to be friends again.

    The whole time I still loved my boyfriend and eventually love won out over my concerns about our future. I never told him about my rebound because I knew it would hurt him and also, I was scared to lose him. He had had a one night stand while we were broken up but he told me about it a few months later whereas I kept silent about my situation. The next year that we were back together wasn't very good because I was constantly feeling guilty and he was constantly feeling hurt and angry with me that I had broken up with him. After about a year of being back together, he started cheating on me with a girl who lives in another state. I didn't find out until a few months later. I immediately broke up with him but almost right after the breakup, we started hanging out again but not having sex. After a few months of that, I told him that we should just stop hanging out all together and that only lasted a few months before we were back together again. He was very apologetic and persistent the whole time we were broken up and I still loved him so I took him back. Now we have been back together for a year and things have been pretty good, but he just found out about the rebound I had three years ago. He is VERY upset.

    I totally understand why he is hurt about what I did and that I never told him about it, but I do not know how to fix the situation or make him feel better. I had three years to deal with my guilt over the situation whereas he is just finding out about it now, so it is somewhat difficult for me to put myself in his shoes about this. I have tried so hard to put the situation in my past that I do not know how to deal with it being back in my present. In addition, his way to express feeling hurt is to be very angry. When I found out he cheated on me, I mostly just did a lot of crying and staring blankly at a wall. Now that he as found out that I had a rebound and lied about it, he says a lot of mean things about me (calling me a **********, etc.) as well as threatening to rape me and things like that. I am trying to earn his forgiveness but it is hard for me when I am scared to even be in the same room as him. He says he worked really hard to earn my forgiveness before and that it's obvious I don't care as much or feel as guilty as he did when he cheated on me. He also says that what I did was worse than him cheating on me, which I almost want to agree with because I broke up with him and broke his heart and then rebounded right away. That was wrong of me and I hurt him a lot. He didn't cheat on me until after I broke his trust by breaking up with him.

    I feel like our relationship is such as mess and I never feel like I have a clear perspective of it at all. I would appreciate any advice about my relationship and/or what I can do to right my wrong from three years ago.

  • I was reading your post and thinking of various maybe helpful comments until I got to the "as well as threatening to rape me". That changes everything. Walk, no run away. Never ever date someone who has threatened you with physical harm. No matter how upset someone is, they should never threaten the person they love (or anyone else for that matter).

    As an aside, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Unless there has been some sort of life-long commitment (marriage or the equivalent) anyone has the right to leave a relationship for ANY reason. The should try to do it in a kind way (and I think you did), but they have every right to leave. Then you (like many people before you and many to come after) had a brief fling. If the man you were with was married, then HE probably violated his marriage, but since he initiated things, you are blameless (in my opinion). In any case, what you did while you were not dating your current boyfriend is not his business at all. Breaking up with someone is not breaking their trust (though is cheating while you were together was). You do not owe him anything. You do not need to earn anything.

    All that is minor. He threatened to rape you. You are scared to be in the same room as him. This is not how someone who loves you would treat you. It is not how a decent human being would treat anyone. I don't know how much dating experience you have, but this is NOT NORMAL.

    LEAVE NOW.

    Comment


    • I just noticed from your other post that this is the same guy who insisted on anal sex, and forced it on you - essentially carrying out his rape threat.

      I don't know any better way to say this than LEAVE, and maybe report him to the police. This is really really bad.

      Again, this is not a normal relationship, he is a controlling abuser. This is not what life is like for most people.

      (I'm staring at my computer just fuming, trying to figure out some better way to say this). I see so many posts by women who end up with monsters, but from their lack of experience don't realize how badly they are being treated. Just for an example, I've been with my wife for 30 years, including several breakups very early on (where both of us had rebound flings). I have never hurt her. I have yelled at her only once and I still feel bad about it. I have never said degrading things, insisted that she "owed" me anything, or insisted on any sexual activity she didn't like. Of course we've gotten angry at each other over the years, but never in any way like that. This is what most relationships are like.

      Comment


      • Thank you for your responses. I have only seriously dated two guys and one was from the ages of 16-18 so I was very young. This is the first relationship I've had where I've considered marrying the guy, so yes, I guess I am fairly inexperienced. He has done things before where I have said to him, "I don't think this is normal" to which he gets angry because he says I am always so concerned about what is normal and what other people are doing. I think I have looked past some things because of the guilt I have felt about my rebound. I try not to lie ever and never telling him about that for years really weighed on my conscience. I guess I still just feel really guilty and feel like I owe him something and I don't want him to be sad/hurt/upset - especially because of me.

        Of course he has many wonderful qualities too which makes this situation more complicated. :/
        (Not to say that I am not listening to what you are saying. It is good to hear from someone else who doesn't know me or my boyfriend personally. It helps me gain perspective).
        Last edited by Cheerios; 07-12-2013, 10:09 AM.

        Comment


        • Listen to your instincts. You broke up with his guy for many reasons. Do you want to be with somebody who will manipulate you and guilt you into doing things that make you unhappy for the rest of your life? He sounds like a typical abusive man. This will only get worst. Forcing anal sex on you when you had specifically said no is rape. Do you want to live with a rapist? Do you want the father of your children to be a rapist?

          You say he has wonderful qualities too. Let me ask you this, would you want to be with a child molester who was really nice in every other way and treated you like a queen (and trust me, there are many guys out there like that)? Having nice qualities doesn't overshadow the bad stuff.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

          Comment


          • What wonderful qualities does he have?

            Your partner should be someone who goes out of their way to make you happy. Someone where you can both enjoy both hot sex, and quiet cuddling, and random touches, hugs and kisses. Someone who shares work around the house. Someone who has a career that is fulfilling (income and status aren't the issue, its doing something you feel good about for some reason). Someone who gets along well with your family and friends. Someone you trust and who trusts you. Someone who apologizes when they make mistakes, and forgives you when you do. Most importantly when you are with the right person you are happy.

            Its sad, I see so many women and men in relationships with people who are awful. It just seems so hard for the really nice people to find each other. Maybe people who have been mistreated before come to expect it and are easy prey for the next obnoxious abuser.

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            • Girlfriend! You need to move on without him! Thats all!

              Comment


              • Denial.

                But you've been with him for years, he was only a pot smoker, no goals, no savings for a house, an engagement ring, just went with the flow of life, in that, probably watched a lot of porn, looked after himself there, then decided to "use" you as an object to reflect on some of those positions, telling you off, that you listen too much to your friends, instead of realising you are a human being and it's your personal feelings of that particular situation and then continued to ignore you with your own thoughts. You're not important are you, I mean as long as you are there.

                Sure there are good things about him, what he makes you laugh? Smiles when he kisses you ?

                This guilt trip and calling of names, threatening to rape you, seems that he did, what I see there is he's taking something no other guy has taken from you, to make himself feel better.

                Do you see a pattern here? ME,ME,ME,ME?

                He is immature, he will continue to lay this on you and make you do things you don't really want to do, knowing full well of your guilt... Remember that each and every time this happens thinks of those words,, me, me, me, me.

                When do you come into the picture? When is it about what you like, don't like as well? When is your dream going to happen of what you think you see in the future?

                I think you made a brave decision and should have stuck to it. I think the married man coerced you somewhat for his own gain, taking advantage of a vulnerable person sitting back waiting.

                What you may like to consider is neither is good for you, were good for you.

                What you are after is someone you can trust, someone who wants a future, someone who listens when you don't want to do something and understands, someone who saves his money with you, for a future, someone who shares your intimacy with passion but also love and someone who never calls you names, ever....

                But I get this feeling that you will have to go through something else before any of anyone's words will make sense and sink in....

                You are not a toy.
                You are not a doll.
                You are not there for his whim.

                You are a woman.
                You are beautiful and you own your own body, soul and mind that can be shared but not taken over.
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                Comment



                • The Others have pretty well Handled what you should Do .

                  I want to bring up something else that you said.
                  he is into some stuff that I don't really want in my future life or my future kids' lives (primarily to do with weed)
                  That reason alone is reason to 100% Stop this Abusive Relationship.
                  Except for Washington State and the State of Colorado. Possession of Marijuana is Illegal.
                  In any other State if you were in the car with him, say him driving and say you had a child in the car and His Joint or Pipe or Stash was in that Car. You could lose your child to CPS and you could actually be Charged with co~Possession.

                  Even in Washington and Colorado, it is Illegal to have the Marijuana near/around or within access of anyone, (Especially Children), under the age of 21. One may not Drive under the Influence of Marijuana. The law says in Private.. One cannot stand 25 feet from a Business Door and Smoke a Joint, like you can a Cigarette.

                  One can Possess it on their Body/ Clothing or Purse. But if it is sitting out where a Child or anyone under 21 can Reach it, Use it, Breath it in, even 2nd hand smoke there are serious consequences. Especially with Children involved .
                  Are you willing to possibly be charged with Possession, even if it's only in the Car and it's his Weed ? Not to mention that if he smoked pot around you while Pregnant or in the house after a child is born ?
                  Allowing that sort of Behavior and Accepting it when it is not your Lifestyle or the future you want ... Would be something that you would have to Forgive Yourself for .

                  I'm refraining from speaking my Opinion on the other issues for Now.

                  But I think you should do some Soul Searching about who you want for a Soul Mate !!!





                  Comment


                  • Leave him now.

                    In my opinion, this is not going to end well.

                    I recently revealed something to my boyfriend that happened before we met. He had a hard time dealing with it, (anger at the boy who hurt me and wishing I had told him before), but he never made me feel guilty about it. He said that he was trying to trust me completely again, because it took me two years to tell him, but at the same time, he understood why it was hard for me. He hasn't told me this, but I think he is hurt that I didn't trust him with the truth. His behaviour, however, has been very respectful and understanding, and we are working through it.

                    If he makes you feel guilty for something you did when you broke up, then that is not fair. He is using it as leverage, manipulating you. This is wrong. And when he forced anal on you, that was wrong. He betrayed YOUR trust with that action.

                    You have come here asking for help, and I'm giving you my advice: LEAVE NOW. He has cheated, he has essentially raped you and he is manipulating you. You deserve better, believe it.

                    Comment


                    • We will be here for you, whatever happens.

                      Comment


                      • I had to move across the country for a job. I am only here for a few months but my boyfriend is not taking it well. The other day we fought all day long and he kept asking me things like how many guys I have had sex with already since being here (only in not such a nice way). So, finally I broke up with him. His tune immediately changed when I did though and he said he loved me, he was sorry he was being so crazy, he ordered new pills to help his moods, he just misses me, etc. Then he said he would quit his (very nice) job and drive to where I am (three day drive) if we broke up. I am sorry to say that I caved. I knew he would actually quit his job if I held firm and he can't afford to do that. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I do feel like it is a good thing that I can be away from him for a bit though. I appreciate everyone's advice. I feel frustrated with myself for being such a wimp and I don't want people to think that I am not taking what is being said seriously. At the same time, however, I feel trapped (plus, I do still love him).

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Cheerios View Post
                          I had to move across the country for a job. I am only here for a few months but my boyfriend is not taking it well. The other day we fought all day long and he kept asking me things like how many guys I have had sex with already since being here (only in not such a nice way). So, finally I broke up with him. His tune immediately changed when I did though and he said he loved me, he was sorry he was being so crazy, he ordered new pills to help his moods, he just misses me, etc. Then he said he would quit his (very nice) job and drive to where I am (three day drive) if we broke up. I am sorry to say that I caved. I knew he would actually quit his job if I held firm and he can't afford to do that. Ugh, I don't know what to do. I do feel like it is a good thing that I can be away from him for a bit though. I appreciate everyone's advice. I feel frustrated with myself for being such a wimp and I don't want people to think that I am not taking what is being said seriously. At the same time, however, I feel trapped (plus, I do still love him).
                          Cheerioes, your boyfriend sounds like the typical abuser. Horrible one minute and nice the next. That is how abusers often get their partners to stay with them. They always apologize and say they won't do it again. And them threatening to quit is job is just a ploy. He knows you well and is using everything he knows about you. He either said that just to force to you get back together and had no intention of actually quitting. Or he really would have and do you want to be with somebody so unstable who will ruin his financial future over his jealousy.

                          You need to set him straight. Tell him that its over. You need space. If he comes to where you are, you will not see him. Tell him you will get a restraining order if he doesn't listen. If he still tries to bother you, threaten you or see you in person, then you really need to start worrying about your safety. Make sure you have support from friends and family.

                          But whatever you do, don't stay with this man out of guilt or fear.
                          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                          Comment


                          • Please get out of this, everything you post about him makes me more concerned. Imagine what will happen when you see him again - what he will say you "owe" him in return for what he claims is your misbehavior.

                            As sp346 said, this is absolutely classic abuser behavior. There is absolutely no reason to stay with this man. This is not love. Love does not make you feel trapped. Love makes you fell happy when you are with someone, and makes you look forward to their company when they are away.

                            Run a little scenario in your mind, close your eyes and imagine: The doorbell rings, you open the door and he is standing there. What do you feel? Is it happy / joy that he has stopped by to surprise you? Is it fear that he is checking up on you?

                            Comment


                            • Wow! I like it

                              Comment

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