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What am I doing wrong??

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  • What am I doing wrong??

    So, in the last two months I have had two guys I dated just go Mr. Houdini on me and disappear. They become unresponsive to my texts, ignore me, and/or somehow seemingly fall off the face of the earth, and what's weird about it is it will be at a time when everything seems to be going good... And of course, as soon as I start really liking them.
    It makes me think, it has to be me; I must be doing something wrong.

    The first guy, I dated for almost a month. We spoke everyday through text, I started going over to his place to hang out and watch tv. I held off sex for two weeks before I gave in thinking that okay, he's serious enough. I was always very nervous around him, always had butterflies in my stomach. We went out one night with his friends. There was some drinking involved but I didn't get wasted, didn't want to. We went back to his place and had awesome sex that night after having so much fun out and then the next day the texts were barely a minimum and by the second day after he had become completely unresponsive. When I did finally get a hold of him, his excuse was, "I'm going through a rough time.." really?

    Second guy, well, I started seeing him almost immediately after guy #1. We met on an initial date then went out for a drink afterwards. He was so good-looking and super sweet, I thought, "wow, he could really be something special." We didn't see each other again for about a month. We texted every now and again but finally when I did see him again, I had invited him over to my place on NYE where I had some of my close friends and we were hanging out. He met my son. He seemed into me, we held each other close and he played with my son. I tried to stay rather close to him most of the night since he didn't know anyone but me. He left a few hours later, texted me when he got home. The following day he asked me what I was up to, and when I asked when I could see him again he told me tomorrow. Come tomorrow (day of this posting) I haven't heard from him all day. It's been 5-6 hours. I have only texted him once, asking him about what time he thinks we will be going out because I had some things I wanted to get done beforehand. Nothing. Not a single response. I am not the kind who will send text after text after text. I'm sensible enough to know when someone is just not into me. I also don't make excuses for why I haven't heard from a guy (oh, he's busy...or maybe his phone is broken...or what if something bad happened...NO, it only takes a minute to reply to a ******** text!)

    So now here I am feeling all butt hurt. I don't know what I am doing wrong. I do feel nervous a lot more now than I used to around guys I like. But surely that can't be the reason they flee from me. I don't get trashed around them when I drink (like I used to when I was younger) because I do want to be seen as classy and responsible. I'm not up their butts sending texts back to back...so what is it? I am good-looking for the most part, I am height-weight proportionate, I don't smoke, I try to make good, engaging conversation by asking questions...so wth?? Why do I get the cold-shoulder???
    "Greatness is a lot of small things done well. Day after day..."

  • Have you posted before on this topic? Seems like I commented on a similar post not long ago.

    I'm curious your age. I'm a divorced woman, 41 and reentered the dating scene a yr or so ago.

    It happens to me and it happens to my single friends too. It's just the way it rolls. It's likely not you, my dear.

    Personally, my response to it has been to simply not become too interested or invested in a prospect until I know exactly how he feels, through a blunt discussion and he's demonstrated those feelings through actions.

    I dated one guy 6 weeks, we had the discussion on where we stood emotionally, with no "official" relationship tho, and one day he ghosted on me too!
    There's no guarantee and no commitment until there's a spoken and demonstrated commitment, in my eyes, and even then...???

    I just feel like I'm going to roll with it and not be hurt about anything that happens. Nobody owes me an explanation if I'm just dating them, so I'm going to relax and go with it.

    I was bummed over the 6 wk guy tho...we had talked about how we felt and what we wanted and we were doing well. I thought we were going somewhere. He baled saying he just had a lot on his mind...
    Funny, I got a text just recently from him, I'd deleted his number...it said, I'm a fool, can we talk? Once he told me who he was I simply said, yep you are a fool. And I left it at that. He texted several more times, practically begging for a chance. I never responded.

    So take heart, dear lady...its just the M.O. of the dating scene. Don't take it personally or feel you're wrong in some way. Just keep it moving...or don't!
    I am on a 4 month break from dating. It's exhausting!!


    • I finally texted him a second time after a 7-hour wait to hear from him. I said, "I guess I will make other plans then..." He texted back not even a minute later stating he had to go to another town because his grandmother wasn't doing too well. My reply, "Sorry to hear that." But nothing else. He sent a Thank you. And that was it. It may be true that his grandmother is sick, but I still don't understand why in a 7-hour period he couldn't take one minute to tell me he wasn't going to make the date, or that he isn't interested. I almost feel like it was just an excuse. I will not be texting him back. Unless he comes around to tell me good morning or to continue talking to let me know he is still interested, then maybe. But I am ****ed!

      I might have posted similar thread about guy #1 before but I can't remember. I did reply to a thread posted by someone else on this same issue, the same one you had replied to.
      "Greatness is a lot of small things done well. Day after day..."


      • Don't even go there...forget it. The way I see it, is this: either he isn't all that interested, or if he is, would you really want to get involved with a dude that can't even have the courtesy to let you know he's unavailable or smth serious arose? Not me.
        I expect and deserve better than that, and so do you.

        Don't get me wrong, there are times for patience and understanding and forgiveness. At this point I'm not sure he's proven worthy of it.
        Maybe I expect too much but I try to do the same for friends and dates...


        • In the particular, all the excuses you mentioned are BS, plain and simple. Doesn't matter if grandma was really ill or whatever, there is almost literally nothing that can keep someone so occupied for a long period of time that they can't return a text. End of story, plain and simple. Also, "rough time." BS. Maybe they are going through a rough time but that in no way prevents them from returning texts or avoiding you for days, unless they mean maybe they are on the verge of being admitted to the psych ward due to their rough time. Then maybe I could see it. None of that flies in the slightest, so please put any maybes that follow out of your mind. They are totally in the wrong.

          In the big picture, like kitty says, this nonsense just happens. It's pretty much never fair and never right or decent and yet it happens all the time. You need to get it out of your system, sure, because it hurts. But you also need to decide if you're going to let it lay you low or if you're going to just move on. So much easier said than done, but really it's your only option after the useless tears and questions as a grown woman. If it's any comfort, it's happened to all of us.

          Originally posted by kitty
          Funny, I got a text just recently from him, I'd deleted his number...it said, I'm a fool, can we talk? Once he told me who he was I simply said, yep you are a fool. And I left it at that. He texted several more times, practically begging for a chance. I never responded.
          You are my hero.
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


          • Thank you all for the responses. I guess I am still torn up about it. I'd like him to come back, text me back, want me. But I get it. He hasn't proven worthy.
            "Greatness is a lot of small things done well. Day after day..."


            • Exactly. And you know the funny thing about it? After the endorphine detox effect wears off in a few months, you'll see him in a new light (not a bitter one even, just the clear light of reality) and you'll most likely find him pathetic. At that point you'll probably be glad you dodged the bullet of finding yourself with an emotionally needy and immature man-child on your hands and not knowing what to do with him.
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


              • ^^ what Jen said. It won't take long for the reality to set in, that he wasn't all you thought he was.


                • Somatic,

                  What do YOU think you are doing wrong that scares/drives men away?

                  What's the "picture" of you a man gets after dating you for a month? How do your come across and what do think they are thinking about you?

                  Is it

                  1) "Confident, independent, competent woman who has seen something special about me that she wants to have in her life"

                  2) "Desperate, lonely, basket case who will settle for any man and I just happen to be the one closest to her"

                  3) "Kind, lovely lady with a child who wants to build a family with a decent man"

                  4) or something else?

                  What's the whole picture of you? If you can't answer that, consider asking a trusted friend--preferably male. And encourage him/her to be brutally honest.

                  Good luck



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