[Juliette46]

Hello. I really need some advice because I am completely lost and confused. My boyfriend and I have been in a almost ten year relationship. We live together and have been discussing engagement and marriage with hopes of getting married later this year. Our relationship has had it's ups and downs I believe we are still very much in love with each other. I definitely am and I feel that he is too. This past year has been particularly hard for me dealing with my fathers illness and passing. And of course, it ended up taking a toll on our relationship in the sense that I became depressed and more needy/demanding and easily rattled. Our sex life..which was always amazing in the past also has ceased in frequency and intensity with all of my recent emotional issues as well as my boyfriends lost sex drive due to anti-depression/anxiety pills he has been taking (although he still wants sex regularly and enjoys It however he often times has trouble ejaculating-however his doctor said it was completely normal and one of the side affects, especially since when there was an instance he did not take them for a few days he was ejaculating normally (which was rather quickly)). When it comes to sex I feel I have been the one that been less interested. Also, in the past few years we have been discussing spicing things up such as bringing in variety of toys but never got around to it though we are both open to it. It often is him who will bring it up and ask about it, but especially lately with my low sex drive I just keep putting it off. In addition, after several years of dating, I came to realize that he enjoyed anal stimulation, though was worried to admit it because he didn't want me to be freaked out. However, I find it completely normal for a straight guy to like that, as long as it is I who is doing it. He also would make jokes about in the past two years about using dildos and using one on him..or vibrating him. All of these things I didn't think much of and thought if it came to it i would have no problem doing it. I related this to his enjoyment of anal stimulation, and nothing beyond that.

Well just 2days ago, I found out something that really disturbed me. I grabbed his phone and said I wanted to look something up online (we often use each others phone-never a big deal) however he grabbed the phone from me and started clicking things (as if trying to get out of a page that was open. This took me by surprise, but then we've been talking engagement rings so I thought maybe he was ordering it and had that page pulled up (we've both picked out the ring online so I knew about it). However, as he gave me the phone back and dismissed his reaction as nothing, I went about doing my business..Something didn't feel right though, he never reacted this way. When he left the room I scrolled back a few pages and saw searches of bisexual porn and bisexual forums (something along the lines "how do I know I am Bi" afterwards I looked at his history and found gay porn too with some straight porn, but predominantly bi or gay in the past month. I brought this up and he admitted to it saying that he's debating whether he may be curious or bisexual. He claims this has been going on for the past year or so and lately, his past month he felt he's been looking at more gay porn sites than straight. But claims that he is still very much attracted to women (me included) physically, emotionally and sexually. And still enjoys straight/lesbian porn, just that lately he has been trying something new and it turned him on. He claims he never has any gay encounters and never found himself wanting another guy. Upon my question, he claims he doesn't think he could be emotionally involved with a male but he doesn't know if he would/or would not be open to being sexually involved. He said he might be willing to try it but doesn't know if it he would be actually able to go through with it because he's not sure how he would feel about it if it came down. When it comes to physical attraction, he prefers women and only is attracted to men in a sexual sense (just their genitalia not really their face). When I asked him if he would go down on a guy he said he didn't know. But he seems definitely certain that he could never kiss or cuddle with another guy.

So here's what I don't know and need advice in. Is it possible that he is just curious because he is looking for new excitement that he has not been getting lately from me? Therefore, he finds something new and different exciting (especially since its taboo), but since he did get aroused from watching something he thought he was not into, he now thinks he has to be bisexual. Cuz when asking him, he believes this may be true. Or if he really is bisexual and just happened to discover it at 28 years old.. Can he remain happy with only me in the relationship? And not want to try sex with a male since he is having these feelings and he never had before? I'm willing to spice things up and really work on improving our sex life..all kinds of toys and ways of having sex..as long as it is only with me I am NOT opened to other people (women/men) being involved..never was and he knew that from beginning. When I bring this up to him, he claims he believes that could work. But can I trust him, when I don't think he fully understands his feelings? My worst fear is that we will dismiss it as a phase, or that he is Bi but wants only me (even though he never was with a guy) and somewhere down the road when we are married and with children it will come out that he needs something more. I don't know what to do! On top of it all there is a wedding to decide about. Please Help!! Sorry its a long post.

[Ashlee T.]

That's a very tough situation for you. Whether he's interested in other females, or other males......it is important for you to know this BEFORE marrying him. You don't want to end up in a marriage with someone who is secretly longing for something else. If he's having these feelings and honestly feels like he's going to want to act on them, and you're NOT okay with anyone else messing with your man...then he needs to go his separate ways and "sow his oats" so to speak and find out what it is he truly wants.

There are bisexual people that marry and live happy lives every day. Just because you're attracted to both sexes, doesn't mean you can't fall madly in love with one sex and be totally happy never going outside of that. But the key is truly falling in love and being happy. He needs to determine if being with a woman for the rest of his life is going to be enough for him....cause I'm sure you'd rather let him go now than to start a life and family with him and then have him leave for a man, or venture outside the marriage for fulfillment.

[jen1447]

The anal stereotype is funny and ridiculous, I agree. The butt is super-sensitive, but only women and gay men are supposed to enjoy it? lol

The initial embarrassment and avoidance can be explained by cultural shame. Unfortunately it's still very tough for guys to be anything but totally hetero and still be a 'man.' I think more importantly in your case is that once he got over that, he's been truthful (it sounds like) with you - admitting to desire and uncertainty as to what he might do, etc. That's a good thing.

To answer your question, I doubt that he's only recently curious. In my case, I was always bi, and the only impediment to that was realizing it and accepting it. I didn't just say "hmmm, that girl looks kinda hot, I must be bi!" one day. It could be different for different people of course, just sharing my own impressions. Most of my bi girlfriends are that way too - longtimers - tho there are the occasional ones who choose it as a lifestyle just because they want to try it.

Question 2 - I think he can be happy with just you, though that would be something for him to decide. Remember, if he's bi, that means he's bi, not gay.

As to your concerns for the future, as is always the case, communication is the key. Explore that all with him in very frank terms and hopefully you'll reach a happy conclusion. Just please be honest with him and yourself, and insist that he do the same.

EDIT

Hey BD! It's great to see some of you longtime WHF ladies coming back.

[Juliette46]

Thank you all for your input. I definitely had a long talk with my boyfriend and we decided to work through this. I'm more than willing to be more open and do everything I can to keep him happy as long as it allows me to be happy too. We both understand that this is a difficult situation for each of us to completely grasp and work around (at least at first). However, I know we love each other and have so much going for us that we will do our best to stay happy and together.

[kira]

Someone's sexual orientation really has nothing to do with whether they will be happy in a relationship with any one person or not. Even if they change later and end up with the other gender it's pretty much the same as leaving the opposite gender for another person of the opposite gender. It just means they weren't happy in a relationship with that person. How fast you realize that depends. I had an uncle who married, had 3 kids, and the oldest was 18 before he left them for another man. I think he's on his 3rd-5th serious relationship with men since that. Other people just date for a few months and then switch genders. It really doesn't mean anything. You need to evaluate your relationship separately of his curiosity in porn. Although attempts and compromises about the things he wants to try may need to be considered for his sexual satisfaction.