[Heyitsadam17]

Hey so I really really need some advice from people who arn't involved in my situation!

Before me and my girlfriend got together(we met on a dating app) we were pretty good friends! I asked her out on dates and she would never go and eventually I asked why and she said she had a huge crush on a guy friend and she didn't want to risk her chances with him. Anyway, thats how we became friends and she would call me sometimes almost in tears over him calling her a ....buddy or him bringing another girl to her work (He took her virginity) and I would see her every wednesday, she was my wednesday lunch girl. But eventually he saw he was losing his ".....buddy" and he pulled her back. Long story short she was infatuated and the only reason we started dating is he never wanted to date her. She always said she thought I was too good looking for her is her excuse for not thinking I liked her.

We became a couple July 10th 2013 and I have to say it was one of the best days of my life, altho I knew it was only a month after this guy, I still fell in love with her. And I loved doing sweet things for her. I would write her a sweet note, fold it into an Origami Heart and hide it in her purse when I wouldn't see her for a while. And on Christmas I bought her a bike and got earings from Israel and wrapped it in christmas lights. (Her family won't put up a tree for her) about two weeks ago We were talking about ex's and I asked if he had ever texted her or if she had seen him since June and she told me no. And a week later I found out she had been texting him since December 27th, she started by telling him happy birthday.

I had told her I was always afraid she would start texting and seeing him again. She would tell me, and her family said she treated me unlike any of her other boyfriends. She has been apartment searching and looking and showing me wedding stuff and rings. Everything has been going perfect. But she changed his name to a girls name so I wouldn't catch on and she texts him ALL the time! They talked about how she couldn't keep sleeping with him even tho she didn't want to stop. She has even been alone with him in his apartment and they watched a movie even tho she swears nothing happened. And she has lied sooo much about all of it. She only came clean after I called him. Anyway

1. She said she would stop all communication with him because I would end it.

2. I never snoop at all it was like a sign from god that I noticed.

3. Everytime I ask her why she would risk the whole relationship she just says idk and gets mad.

4. She made plans again two Fridays ago to see him but he canceled.

Does she still have feelings for this guy? None of the other texts were sexual and she was insecure in some of them. We have been broken up for almost 2 weeks now but i'm seeing her tomorrow to ask questions. Sorry it's so long i'm just so lost on what to do. She says she loves me and can't sleep or anything but everyone is telling me it's not right and to break it off. I would add the texts if I had that option.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Have you seen all these text messages?

Could you give us some examples perhaps?

It is always difficult that first love and given he took her virginity I would call him her first love, regardless that he doesn't care for her personally.

She probably knows she has a great guy right there in front of her but if she insists on being his "buddy" mentally or physically that's not fair to you and definitely, she needs to see that or lose you.

If she has been flirting with him irrespective on anything else and I would too be suspicious that there wasn't anything else, to me that's enough to walk .. Because a relationship is about trust and togetherness, not convenience whilst still trying to have what you "had"...

She has made plans to see him, been at his apartment he's a loser for even playing this game with her, given she has a boyfriend. She gets mad and says she doesn't know suggests she doesn't care for your feelings.

I'm thinking you are worth much more than that.

[jns]

She's not ready to commit a relationship with you. Why push her?

[Heyitsadam17]

Chandler- I wish there was a way to upload pictures. I'll type the texts out tho. The conversation started because she told him her sister heard us having sex.


Him- So you lost some of your shyness.

Her- oh yeah definitely not shy

Him-always happens after stop with the girl…

Him- sucks to be me

Her- hey In all fairness… I didn't want to stop but had to

Him- what?

Her- because I knew something was up. you'd never like me the way I liked you and I couldn't keep having sex with you :P besides you started dating Jen not too long after.

Him- how the hell do you know her name? Then why did you ask not too long ago if I would do it again?

Her- because you told me The last time I saw you, no worries i'm not a stalker. And I only asked because you insinuated you wanted to have sex again or prior conversation we had. But couldn't because I'm dating Adam

Him- don't remember either of things… Don't remember anything… **** me…

Her- I don't remember the exact words but you said we couldn't do what you want to because I was dating someone else and I said would you actually want to do that with me again knowing how much I liked you? ring any bells?

Him- vaguely I thought it was more tilted toward you asking me though.

Her- no I remember you saying we couldn't do what you wanted to do :P for the record your answer was no… You wouldn't after asked about knowing that I like to you.

Him- don't remember that at all… God, I'm an ******* for even asking why you had a boyfriend. And into the second part, knowing if it would turn into the same thing as last time, no I wouldn't.

Her- Nah, no worries. I'd be sad excuse of a woman if I would've done it. But yes, I'm good with just being friends without having sex

Him- why exactly would you be sad?

Her- because, a girl who claims to love her boyfriend but then sleeps with the guy she used to like just makes me look horrible and selfish. And just gives other girls a bad rep.

Him- good answer I suppose

Her- I think so! I've probably made things awkward now lol

Him- no, I guess Fowser clarify, I never meant to sleep with me while with your boyfriend (even though I don't remember asking this.)

Her- I know, seeming as I have to ask him to just go on a bike ride with you, I doubt you just have sex with me that easily. I say I want to just making a point.

Her- if you still want to hang out Friday... let it be known I'll be looking like a tomato...

Him- yeah, unfortunately I just found out have to make up a class from a couple weeks ago.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

He doesn't sound too bad.

Not into her at all and seems that he respects "you".

She on the other hand is fishing to see whether or not he would sleep with her again.

She also seems to have gone to a bit of trouble finding out who his new lady is.

He seems to put her off as well.

She may feel bad at "thinking" about him and "trying" but so sorry, my honest thoughts are if he had said yes, and he liked her, she would have.

Seems she gave him grief towards the end of their buddy situation .

In another light, it's almost as if she was clarity that he liked sleeping with her instead that she was used. So in another way it sounds as if she was baiting him.

The problem is she is not sticking to the person she is with 100%.

You can calm the storm ride it out and see if she can forget him and move on mentally further with you by never bringing it up and being happy together whilst being cautious or, you can leave her and find someone now who will give you 100%.

It's really a hard call. Once trust is broken. It's very difficult.

[jen1447]

Well I'm gonna have to take a different angle here and it's not gonna be pretty, sorry, but I assume you came here looking for the truth ....

The main takeaways I see here are that she doesn't respect you, she does indeed obviously have feelings for the guy, and you are basically functioning as her "cuddle b---ch." If you're unfamiliar with that term, it basically means a guy who provides emotional support and comfort to a girl whenever needed, while having romantic feelings for her that aren't reciprocated, and while she pursues other romantic relationships. Now you're a bit different in that you're actually her BF and presumably you sleep together, but it's clear that she views you as a safety net and is willing and interested in pursuing other relationships regardless of how that would affect you. Notice how in the one text she cited her reluctance to cheat because it would make her "look horrible and selfish?" Nothing about how it would affect you, because that's not a priority for her.

These things all tie in - she's partly enabled to feel hot for the guy and act on it because she doesn't respect you. Likewise she can treat you like her cuddle B because she doesn't respect you. So I hope you're getting the idea of what's needed here .....she needs to develop respect for you. You won't get that by being super accommodating, buying her flowers and gifts all the time, forgiving her, allowing her to flirt with ex BFs on your time, etc. In fact the only way you'll do it is if you grow some balls and start standing up for yourself. A person with self respect would never tolerate this, and a person who respected someone else would never do it to them.

Now if you can actually man up here and put her in check, there's a potential payoff - she'll have little choice but to respect you more, and with that respect you may become much more attractive and competitive to her. The question then would be would you really want her anymore after how she's treated you - I'd say no but that's your choice obviously. You have to change yourself tho before anything different can start happening here.

Good luck, you seem like a decent guy who deserves better. Go get it for yourself.

[DreamP346]

I agree with Jen. Doesn't sound like she respects you and the fact she changed the guy's name on the phone shows how she is trying to deceive you.

[Euphoric]

Echoing what's been said. Changing his name to a girl's name on her phone proves she intended to deceive you. If their communication and relationship is strictly platonic, why hide it? I have male friends and my husband has female friends. We trust each other. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a person I couldn't trust, or where my choice of friends needed to be "approved" of. That said, we respect each other and have never given each other a reason to suspect foul play. I feel some boundaries are common sense, whereas others may think so long as there's no 'rule' in place, then anything is fair game.

Unfortunately, your GF is easily manipulated by this person and he seems to be stringing her along like a puppet. Meeting in a social setting for a drink, fine. Going to his apartment, alone, and watching movies, no, over the top. Personally, I think that is overstepping a boundary and setting the stage for things to progress.

Best Wishes,
Euphoric

[jns]

This discussion has me listening to Self Esteem by The Offspring. "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care, Right? Yeah!"