[Kelly.sanders39]

My boyfriend watches porn?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year now and talk about getting married, having kids, etc. He has a crazy work schedule and works 5-6 days a week from 5AM to 3 or 4 on his feet and then goes to crossfit. When he comes home he's exhausted and passes out early and has to wake up and do it all over again. Throughout our relationship I had a feeling he watched porn sometimes, but he was never honest about it until I was using his computer and actually saw it. It upset me that he lied for a year and when I confronted him he got defensive. I know he was embarrassed and found it awkward, but throughout our year of dating our intimacy has slowly declined. When we first started dating we were intimate often, but now it happens once or twice a week. I'm intimate and am hurt that I feel he watches porn instead of choosing me. He says it has nothing to do with me or our relationship and that when I question him it causes him to not want to be intimate. I don't know what to do. I don't like giving ultimatums, but I feel as if that may be next. I've thought about each of us challenging each other for 60 days and I would pick him to not watch porn. He thinks he is sneaky and says he doesn't watch it now, but I go to the history on his laptop and he watches it a couple days of the week. Does anyone have advice? Experience? Our relationship is awesome in every other aspect. We still cuddle on the couch and is that kind of intimate, but he doesn't put importance on sex WITH me. If I see myself marring this man, I don't want a sexless marriage. Being intimate is very important in a relationship.

[jen1447]

Things are going in the wrong direction hon. Do you see it getting any better if you get married?

[Kelly.sanders39]

I Have no idea. I hear so many different opinions like, he's exhausted and works all the time that's why you don't have sex...it's just easier for him to watch porn. And I hear that all guys watch porn and it's normal and has nothing to do with me. I'm just so confused. I feel like maybe things would be better once he is a firefighter (what he is going to school for) and his schedule is less hectic. I asked him if he wasn't so tired from work and working out if we would have more sex and he said, yeah probably. And then I asked, so it's not going to be like this forever? And he said no. I'm all kinds of mixed up. I love him and would never give up on him, but I deserve to be happy and satisfied as well. (Sorry for the word vomit)

[jen1447]

Have you heard that expression "hope in one hand and [poop] in the other and see which one fills up first"?

Sorry to be harsh but I get sick of hearing about people pinning their hopes on change when there should be no need for change in the first place. (Directing my anger at your guy here, not you.) Some basic facts are that genuinely caring and loving men don't neglect their women sexually, no matter how busy they are, and certainly not in favor of porn. Also, he's not having this happen to him, he's choosing this course of action. That means he can do otherwise but he's choosing not to. That means you're not a priority. Doesn't sound promising to me.

Sorry hon. [hugs]

[Kelly.sanders39]

Thanks for this. We got into an argument yesterday about it all and I told him that I expect more effort and intimacy. I'm giving him a couple months and if nothing changes I'm taking action. He needs to know I'm serious and that breaking up will be his fault and not mine. If he wants to watch porn occasionally, so be it. But it cannot affect our sex life.

[effy2014]

Sex is always great in the beginning of a relationship . . . sort of like the attachment we have with the "new car smell" of an automobile. We will park it where no other car can ding it and never eat in the car until, well, it loses the new car smell. Then, it just becomes a car.

Porn is not a disease, it is a symptom. Many of us men can watch porn without it negatively affecting our sex lives. In fact, some level of porn is "normal" for a man. Having him watch less porn does not mean he will be more intimate with you. It just may be that his normal level of intimacy is low. He does not appear to make very much time for you and the relationship.

Excuse my rant, but a relationship in which a man "has a crazy work schedule and works 5-6 days a week from 5AM to 3 or 4 on his feet and then goes to crossfit. When he comes home he's exhausted and passes out early and has to wake up and do it all over again", lies to you about his porn watching, makes the lame excuse that having a conversation about intimacy "makes him less intimate" and has sex with you 2x a week even when you ask for more is NOT "awesome in every other respect." His behavior shows that he lies and disrespects your feelings and has not made you a priority in his life. Life does not get better when you get married and have kids. It gets significantly more challenging.

What then?

[jen1447]

Thanks for this. We got into an argument yesterday about it all and I told him that I expect more effort and intimacy. I'm giving him a couple months and if nothing changes I'm taking action. He needs to know I'm serious and that breaking up will be his fault and not mine. If he wants to watch porn occasionally, so be it. But it cannot affect our sex life.

That's more like it. Take a stand and flex your girl-balls hon. Hells yeah.

[Kelly.sanders39]

He does make time for me though. When he's not at work we are together. We practically live together, he invites me to go places with him all the time, plans things with me, talks about the future...he does make me a priority. I have made our relationship very difficult due to me having anxiety so I can't make him look completely like the bad guy. He does complain that he wishes I could just enjoy the now and always stop worrying and questioning him and our relationship. I feel like always getting on him might've pushed him away and that could really be why we aren't as intimate. I got so serious and kept adding confrontation and making problems instead of just having fun with him. I am not trying to defend him or anything, he does need to care more about how I feel, but I wanted good advice so thought everyone should be better educated as to how I have also created stress in the relationship.

[jen1447]

No one's perfect. And he should still provide for your needs, period, as long as you two are in this together.

[effy2014]

I'm not sure I understand. How has your anxiety contributed to his watching porn or lying to you about it? Has he told you that your anxiety has made him want less intimacy? In what ways do you not enjoy the now.

I don't think your BF is a bad guy. But, his responses to you appear to be smokescreens. On an important issue like intimacy, you are attempting to communicate your needs. Asking you not to question the relationship is like saying "be quiet". There has to be a better way for the two of you to discuss the issue.

Your anxiety is part of who you are. The subject matter of the anxiety may change but, based on my experience with my SO and others, it won't go away. If he has trouble dealing with that, it could be another issue to consider.