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My boyfriend loves me, but clearly wants more sexual experiences before settling.

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  • My boyfriend loves me, but clearly wants more sexual experiences before settling.

    My boyfriend and i have been dating for exactly a year. He feels sexually inferior to me because he lost his virginity 4 years later than me, and the high school I came from was sexually active. I feel like I've had enough sexual partners and I want to have a long term relationship (I'm 22, so starting to think about the real future), but he definitely wants to have sex with more girls before settling. He has hinted at it and suggested 3-somes but I think I would get too jealous to ever participate in one. Over the past few months, I've come to the conclusion that we can't stay together because of these facts. We're simply not on the same page with sexual experiences. I put our deep connection and love for each other aside to think logically: How could this work?

    He does not want to break up with me at all. He's very much in love with me, very attached. He knows he wants to have sex with more girls but he doesn't want to lose me, and he knows he will if we broke up or had an open relationship. I do not want to lose him. But it's hard to stay with him, knowing he's pining for more sexual experience. It makes me nervous, but also sad for him. I want him to feel like he's lived life to the fullest before settling down. What should I do?

  • Go with your gut feeling. Dump him. He is too immature at this point for a deep connection. There is no reason to believe, after having meaningless sex with other women so he can add to his score, that he will have grown up. You are also correct that he will be resentful if you just say no. What happens if you get married -- will he need threesomes and variety to keep his sexual interest?

    Men mature way later than women. When you love someone, you shouldn't need other women to satisfy your sexual urges. Assuming that the two of you are sexually active, there are so many things to explore and ways to please each other that should keep you busy for years to come. He should be satisfied that he has found that with you.

    Find someone who wants what you want . . . a committed monogamous relationship.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


    • Very sound advice. You're right. No one grows up just like that. Sex does not make people grow up.
      Thank you very much for your thoughts.


      • I guess it depends on how open you really are.

        1 year is not really a long time to truly fall deeply in love. Certainly a form of love but not one that will carry you through where you want to go in life, that is a committed relationship that you can build on that becomes two people as one.

        Reading what you wrote, I gained the opinion that he's used that against you to a degree. "It's not fair, you had your fair share of sexual partners, I didn't and you want more commitment, hey are you open to a 3 some? "

        He entered into a relationship with you once the lust had worn off, so he knew what he was getting into, a relationship.

        If he wants to play the field then he has deep feelings for you but not enough.

        And, do you really want someone that is "very attached"? That sounds like you can't totally be yourself and do what you want to a degree as he is needy.

        Let him go. If you two are meant to be together you will, somewhere down the track or he simply misses the boat.

        The problem I see is that if you don't, he may and I'm not saying he will but he may "cheat" in order to get that fix he is seeking whilst not losing you.

        Let your intentions be known when you enter the next relationship and honestly what ever happened in your past has nothing to do with a present partner, you don't have to tell a guy anything, if he loves you he's with you regardless. I say this because I feel it's wrong for him to bring that up with you.

        Best wishes.

        Remember, if it's true love and he grows up and out of this thought pattern, you both will find a way to get back together.

        One day ...


        • And all choices require sacrifice---i.e. giving up other options/experiences/partners/etc.

          You have made the choice to be in a monogamous relationship.

          He is grappling with the idea that he has to choose, i.e. that he can't have his cake and eat it, too.

          Children don't take responsibility for their own lives. Therefore, they resent having to choose/sacrifice and blame others when their choices result in not getting everything they want.

          In other words, if he is a child, it's your fault no matter what HE chooses. To a child you're an insecure, jealous and selfish person whether HE chooses to remain faithful or chooses to stray. It's your fault he didn't get everything he wanted. And once he's chosen, he'll keep badgering you to get the other thing he wants anyway.

          If he's an adult, he understands that he can't get everything he wants. He OWNS his choice and doesn't try to blame you for your choices.

          You can try to help him understand this by sitting him down and saying something like,

          "...Honey, I love you and want to stay in a relationship with you. However, I cannot be with someone who will resent that I want a faithful, monogamous relationship. You have to choose between me and having a few more experiences. It is YOUR choice. I pray that you choose me, but don't do it if you can't make the choice without punishing me."

          Having said all that, you can try getting him and environment (people and media) where monogamy and faithfulness held in hi regard rather than letting him marinade in the hyper-sexual culture.

          Good luck


          • Congratulations to both of you, because of your openness to each other. You can discuss such a delicate subject with compassion and love for the other part. That's very important. Really nice.

            My man is also inexperienced, compared to me. I let him free to have any experience he wants, even now. We only live once and I think we should be free to try and experience, also make mistakes, all through life.

            But you say you're jealous. That makes it complicate. Nothing wrong with you, it's just the way you are, and you're honest about it.

            So, the only solution is to break up. Because since he has this in his mind, he won't be 100% with you, committed. This will be coming back to him. Sex is a powerful and important drive in people's lives.

            You're right in not wanting to do threesomes, since you know you're jealous.

            We may all be wrong, of course. Who can predict the future?

            Good luck.


            • Hi thisperson,

              I would not continue dating this guy. You are from totally different mindsets. You say a threesome is not compatible with you because you would be jealous etc. Do not think for a second that he will not still want that after a few years if marriage. This has disaster written all over it. He is manipulating you. Go find a good man who has similar values and don't look back. If monogamy is important to you he is not the man for you. Even if he says all the right things now there is heartache ahead with this immature boy.


              • There are two kinds of growing up.

                1) The kind that comes naturally. Whether because life's taught you that you just can't have it your way all the time, or because you're just tired of the same bogus results. Your actions take you down certain paths until you decide, "Enough!". Then, you "grow up". You choose to do better based on past experiences.

                2) The kind of growing up because you HAVE to do before life teaches you lessons. The PREMATURE, but NECESSARY growing up. This is when you haven't necessarily gone down a path before but you know you can't afford to, or it would be immensely devastating if you did go down it.

                Both kinds are hard to do, don't get me wrong. The first kind brings more pain, but that's a pain we all sign up for when we're brought into this world (or a pain our parents sign us up for when deciding to bring us into this world). However, the second kind requires MATURITY! Knowing that you're basing your decision on reason and not on trivial, worldly desires.

                That's what your boyfriend needs to do. He needs to DECIDE to grow up and realize that he needs to do whatever it takes to keep you! Which brings me to my next point. He says he wants more sexual experience. Well, freaking hello! He has you! I've never understood this "I need to be with more people sexually before I'm okay to settle down". I mean, I get it to a certain extent but once you've found the one person you love, which you make him sound like he found that in you, it shouldn't matter! He has you! You two can "experiment" all you want and make it a beautiful journey for the both of you.

                I'm dragging on, so I'll conclude. I think there's a way for you to stay together, but it requires work. Mostly on his part. He needs to realize that what he's after is satisfying lust, and this is an appetite that needs to be starved. He has all he needs in you. A companion that loves him and wants to stick with him. He has no idea how much he's going to regret going after "more sexual experience" if he chooses to break it off. He needs to see that. If he can't, I already hurt for him because I know it will be one of the biggest, if not the biggest, regret of his life.

                Good luck, thisperson!
                Last edited by Mary May and Bobby; 10-03-2014, 11:42 AM.
                Disappointed romantic—


                • I feel like he is too immature to settle. Love is there for sure, always is after that amount of time together. But I think what you feel is a deeper love, than what he has. The urge and want to have sex with more people is a feeling that you don't want to have to deal with if you are ready to settle. If you decide you are open to a 3some then so be it, just make sure communication and expectations are clear. Make sure the 3rd person is someone you trust and have fully conversed with. That depends entirely on how you feel.
                  But honestly best advice, move on. Let him satisfy his needs, and if the love is meant to be between you 2 with a future, it will happen when the time is right.


                  • Hi

                    Guess all the tools you need to decide has been handed over to you, but if you still feel confused, not to worry just go over everything that was said here, if re-reading it once doesn't make sense try doing it a couple more times probably a dozen more will clear things up. Good luck as you decide. Cheers



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