Former Flame gained a lot of weight. I'm even more attracted?

[LostinPhilly]

There is guy I dated for a short period of time and I haven't fully been able to get over for some reason (maybe because he disappeared on me).

Truth be told, he dumped me because he thought I was too "prissy" and he was looking for someone with looser morals. He went as far as sleeping with girls he met on sex websites and such. Needless to say, he was only looking for sex at the time.


He disappeared on me and it took me ages to get over him. To this day, I don't think I've fully gotten over him. I still fantasize about him every day.


Today, I came across a very very recent picture of him and oh boy. He gained tons of weight. For some reason, I first laughed and thought "Karma's a b****tch, isn't it?" (because he once told me he only dates skinny girls and turned down a chubby girl once). A few hours later, it hit me - I found him far more attractive then ever.


What on earth? He used to look like a Hollister model. Now he looks like an man with a bit of meat on. His features have softened. I'm into athletic guys in general so I don't understand how this chubbiness of his is turning me on?

Then again, he ditched me because he preferred to sleep around despite the fact that he thought I was " freaking ******** hot". He's been single since he ditched me.

Although he's gained tons of weight, is still a college drop out, I still have the hots for him. Why?

[effy2014]

Ah, the chemistry of attraction. Sometimes it is impossible to explain who attracts us and why. Psychologically, this guy may be attractive because he dumped you . . . there must be something about a guy who rejected you for women who are clearly inferior to you. My sense is that doesn't happen to you a lot (or ever). Maybe it's the bad boy image as well. Who can say?

However, let the rational side kick in and take over this internal debate. He is horrible boyfriend material -- his main goal is sex, he would rather be with loose women than a woman of substance and he is a college dropout. Have reason prevail and stay away. You will not be able to,"reform" him and he will treat you like crap.

[Magnetism]

I'm guessing that if you already liked him before, you're still going to like him regardless of what's changed about him.

For instance, I've always liked long-haired men. The long-haired guy that I swooned over chopped off all of his hair and started to wear glasses. My friends thought he looked so dorky, but I still thought he was hot! I'm thinking the intial impression of me thinking he was so hot when I first saw him stuck in my brain. Personality wise, he wasn't the right person for me.

Chemistry is hard to explain logically. Put the chemistry aside, you already know he's not right for you.

[Boyka555]

Yeah I agree. You may not like the chubbiness as much as he himself. So there might be some confusion over there.

[Pollon]

I'd tend toward Effy's explanation that your attraction is more about being attracted because he dumped you. The idea the he rejected you or he was the-one-that-got-away has touched some doubt or competitiveness or something in your life that you are confusing or displacing with attraction.

This is pure speculation, but I'd guess that when you were dating him you wanted to be "enough" for him. To tame the bad boy, so to speak, so that he'd choose you. But you weren't. He went after the ********s. And that undermined your confidence. And here you are holding onto that desire to redeem yourself. What you're attracted to isn't the disgusting human being that he is, but rather the possibility of restoring your confidence (in some way).

I would venture to say that if you did end up in bed with him, you'll wake up the next morning feeling disgusted with him and yourself.

[Ashlee T.]

Totally agree with Effy and Pollon. When I read this I thought "Of course, because he rejected her.". I've been there.....the times I was rejected by a man were the HARDEST times to get over. I think it's in our nature to want to "win". The mind can play cruel tricks on us sometimes.