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I think my boyfriend might have a child with an ex?

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  • I think my boyfriend might have a child with an ex?

    I hate that I'm even writing this and I am cautious about doing so because I am a little afraid of peoples reactions to my thoughts but here goes...

    I've been with my boyfriend for a year & a few months, and I'm 21, he's 23. At the early stages of our relationship, I remember we were talking about exes not in a weird way and I honestly can't remember the details but he told me in 2012 that he was dating a girl and later she ended up getting pregnant but it was not his child and that she cheated on him with quite a few men. Honestly, I didnt put much thought into it cuz I figured if it was his child he would've known. I went on her facebook and saw the kid and didn't notice any striking resemblance between the two so I went on with my life. I totally did this to myself but recently I went on her facebook again and just kinda looked and the kid is 3 years old now and I noticed he has blue eyes and I have anxiety so of course my brain is like "Yup, totally his kid." I still don't notice any striking resemblance between the child & my boyfriend and I asked one of my most brutally honest friends who i know would tell me the truth if he did, and she agreed nothing sticks out.

    However, the whole situation is freaking me out. I asked him about it recently and he told me that 3 weeks into their relationship, she cheated on him with this guy who was first sort of friends with my boyfriend (they worked together for years in landscaping) and this guy also would leave work to go sleep with my boyfriends ex and they'd do drugs together. He is the supposed father of the little boy. She came to my bf and told him she cheated and he said stupidly he took her back, but that only lasted for another two weeks because he couldn't stand being with her knowing she cheated and he couldn't trust her. He told me he used protection with her every time and I don't really doubt that because he is very serious about using protection with me and he's a smart man who's got his head on right. He said of course he thought the kid MIGHT be his and that's what freaked me out. I just feel like if you used protection, you wouldnt be doubting that.. I told him that and he said "Yeah, but you never know if a condom broke." Which I guess is true. But i don't know for a fact he used protection with her EVERYTIME. Could he have been that unlucky that he forgot to use a condom the one time she was ovulating? Yup. She also apparently told my bf at one point "better hope its not yours" or something. Sketchy...

    Here's whats odd. The kid looks nothing like the father. Nothing. He looks identical to my boyfriends ex, the mother...it's actually scary. I guess when the child was born or before he was born, my boyfriend talked to the father since at one point they were friends (lets just call him Dave), and Dave said he was 100% positive that child was his child and if my boyfriend was really that concerned he would happily pay for a DNA test. He also told my boyfriend he didn't use any protection with her, so its almost defintely his kid. However, she cheated on my bf with more than just Dave so who knows who she was using protection with. I know its totally possible to have a child completely resemble one parent and maybe thats the case...or maybe the father is not my boyfriend and not the guy shes saying it is. My boyfriend has these electric blue eyes that he got from his father and they are stunning, whenever he meets someone they always compliment his eyes. Those eyes have been passed down in like 5 different generations of my boyfriend overpowering all the brown eyes. My boyfriends mother has brown, he still got the blue. My boyfriends grandmother had brown and his grandfather had the blue eyes, yet my boyfriends father got the blue eyes. I just would think the kid would also get those blue eyes, which he does have but they're not as striking as my boyfriends, they just look more like an average blue/greenish eyes so I wouldn't say he got his eyes if its his kid.

    Her family is close with my boyfriends Dad's side of the family so I figure she has plenty of ways to tell someone this kid is my boyfriends and not Daves. What kinda creeps me out is she tried friend requesting my boyfriend a few months ago and my first thought was "Does she have something to say about this kid...." My boyfriend is pretty set on that this kid is not his but giving the timing of when she had the kid, she either had to have cheated or its my boyfriends child. She was absolutely dating my boyfriend when she got pregnant. I wanna believe that he used protection every time but I was young and dumb once. I looked up the other guy that she cheated on my boyfriend with and he doesn't really look like the kid either.

    I guess I shouldn't question it and she probably knows why Dave is the father because 3 years later, nothing has changed. They named the kid after Dave's dad as well so I feel like she had to be pretty certain that the kid was Daves. My boyfriend said if he thought in any way shape or form, that kid was his, he would've stepped up to the plate and just given who my boyfriend is, I believe him. He told me that "if for some freak reason the kid is mine and he's not mine but hypothetically, nothing would change between us." and after he said that I kinda got defensive because, yeah it would. His ex is an absolute psycho unfortunately and I wouldn't want her in my life at all. He didn't like the fact that I said things would change and he told me he loves me unconditionally and doesn't understand why I don't feel the same. I love my boyfriend more than anything but just thinking he might have a child with someone else kills me. I think it's one thing going into a relationship knowing that the guy has kids but to be in a relationship and suddenly have a huge bomb dropped like that is another thing. Our lives would be forever changed. I'm a toddler teacher and I love kids don't get me wrong but I'm not ready for a child right now let alone someone elses'.

    I totally realize im over thinking everything and not once has anyone said the kid is my boyfriends but just the fact of her getting pregnant while she was dating him, freaks me out. Idk any suggestions? I know no ones gonna be able to tell me YES he is the father or NO he is not the father lol but just looking for opinions.
    Last edited by lyssdemarchand; 01-30-2016, 10:57 AM.

  • I admit, I didn't read your full post.<br />
    <br />
    If he's concerned, get a dna test, it's pretty simple and inexpensive. <br />
    If it's your own worrying, just ask him to do the dna test to settle your mind, If this is a long term relationship that you both intend to stay in. If he doesn't want to, let it go.<br />
    <br />
    Ultimately, he doesn't seem to believe it's his, & neither does she, so why are you creating stress for yourself? You seem to have no reasonable cause to believe it other than they had sex. Seems the odds are against him being the father.<br />
    Stop borrowing worry where there is none...<br />
    <br />
    If it would turn out to be his, are you truly prepared to leave? You said you aren't ready for kids, let alone someone else's.

    Comment


    • Its fine, it was super long i just felt like I needed to provide details and that made it even longer.

      He's not concerned its his. Its literally my own worrying which I wish I could stop. I wish he would have done a DNA test when the child was first born, but I know he wont do it now. He hasn't talked to her in 3 years so I feel like it would be super awkward to suddenly request a DNA test.

      If it was his, I would try to stay but ultimately do not think I could unfortunately.

      Comment


      • Then I guess working on letting it go, or asking him to settle it for your mind only, once and for all, are the choices. Letting it continue to bother you should not be a choice you make.

        Comment


        • The child is not his regardless of DNA. Somebody else has claimed paternity and that's that. That person will be the father. Nobody but you has doubts. Don't stir the pot. It's not yours to stir. Everybody is content with the situation. Don't meddle with a child's life just for your own insecurities.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

          Comment


          • I don't believe someone else claiming paternity is a perfect defense against the government going after the biological father for child support if the child has to get public assistance. A person enters a relation that has shared finances with the biological father has a financial interest in knowing the true story. There have been cases where money has been taken from such a third party due to community property laws. The bf should use the courts to create complete severance. I believe DNA testing will be involved.
            I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
            ...
            Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

            From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

            Comment


            • Jns, that's a great point but I'm not sure that is the focus of OP's concerns with this situation.

              Comment


              • kitty, it might have not been the OP's focus but she needs to think out all possibilities in this complicated situation so she makes informed choices.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • I do agree.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by lyssdemarchand View Post
                    Its fine, it was super long i just felt like I needed to provide details and that made it even longer.

                    He's not concerned its his. Its literally my own worrying which I wish I could stop. I wish he would have done a DNA test when the child was first born, but I know he wont do it now. He hasn't talked to her in 3 years so I feel like it would be super awkward to suddenly request a DNA test.

                    If it was his, I would try to stay but ultimately do not think I could unfortunately.
                    You are getting yourself worked up on something you can't control. The ex girl friend to your boy friend new boy friend has taken full responsibility for the now 3year old child. I think trying to force your BF into having a paternal test for this child who is not his is just a waste of time for everyone. So Just let it go and enjoy your life with BF.
                    When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                    Comment


                    • I don't understand why you're so nervous about it. And I don't understand why you do research behind your boyfriend's back. Of course, I could recommend you to tell him about the situation and you could ask for a paternity test. But think twice before you do it, it will be difficult for you and for him, and for his ex. If you're very anxious about it, talk to him honestly. But better forget about the situation. Just enjoy the relationship.
                      Last edited by Ashlee T.; 10-21-2016, 06:53 AM.

                      Comment

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