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No Chemistry (women's opinion)

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  • No Chemistry (women's opinion)

    I met this girl in 2002 - very attractive. We didnt stay in touch but in 2015 as I was going through a divorce we reconnected and began dating. We hit it off immediately. Lots of similar interests, we'll go to the gym, camping, hiking, road trips, etc. I think we are **** near perfect. We bought a house in Spring of 2016 and together have made it a beautiful home doing a lot of renovations/projects together. Everything seems perfect.

    However, she does have a drinking problem, I'm aware of, and she has battled getting help/committing to really anything to fix this. It has affected her work, relationships w/ me/family and she has run into legal consequences. She has some baggage (nothing wrong with that) but she has poor coping skills and worse self control when it comes to alcohol. Almost anything can trigger the drinking/binging.

    In the past few months, usually when drunk, she has said she wants to be alone and it may be best to break up. Completely threw me for a loop. I thought she was happy and we've talked about marriage and starting a family. When she was sober she admitted she says things she doesnt mean, she tends to hurt others to make herself feel better and she wants to be with me. A week later, same cycle. I dont know if this is how she really feels or not. Usually when shes hungover or a day or two after a binge she is irritable and grouchy; but the other day, while sober, said she just doesnt know what she wants. Still kinda blows my mind and its breaking my heart. She was passed out the other night when I got home; I never go through her phone but I wanted to figure out what triggered this binge so I looked at her texts. I didnt find anything but I didn find that she told her mom she was unsure what she wanted and that her and I just didnt have "the chemistry" we used to. Just two weeks ago she said we are partners and she wants to be more open with me as we share the rest of our lives together. she tells me she loves me consistanly and I would say there were no red flags that she is/was unhappy.

    i think she is unhappy with hersef and she has lots of past regrets she cant seem to put behind her. she drinks to numb these problems and its taking a toll on the relationship. I guess Im looking for a female perspective here; Id say 95% of the time she seems happy and we talk about our future (marriage/family). then she drinks, gets upset/sad and says she wants to be single. I think its the drinking and abuse of that that needs fixed (and Im supportive and im trying to get her help - that she says she wants) but Im getting mixed singles and the fact she told her mom, when sober - yet hungover - makes me wonder what she really wants.

    insight? suggestions? support her/run?

  • do you two have enough of a relationship to agree to stay together and work through the brokenness and heal together?

    Comment


    • Oh boy

      Welcome to WH. Gonna think this over awhile before I answer.

      Comment


      • It has to be so hurtful to be in your position, to be so willing to work through this terrible issue with her (even though it's HER issue) and then she's yanking you around with the "I don't know what I want" stuff. I'm so sorry that's happening to you.

        Her drinking problem isn't just a side issue. When someone is an alcoholic, it IS their life. Everything else is 100% affected by their alcoholism, including their happiness in relationships, work, etc. As long as you're with her and she continues the alcoholic cycle, it will be YOUR life and the lives of your future children. As much as you love her, you will love them equally if not more and you will not want to put them through dealing with an alcoholic mother.

        She knows she has something good in you and she's afraid to lose it. She's afraid she will regret it. But, if she is telling her mother these things, and she's telling them to you too (I'm not sure what I want), then she means it. She's conflicted, and it's not just about the alcoholism. I think she's conflicted on what she wants and if she even wants to change.

        My suggestion is, be willing to stand by her side through treatment. Serious, hardcore treatment. Encourage her (both of you) to hold off on any relationship decisions until treatment is complete. But, love yourself enough to walk away if she continues to relapse. Trust me, you do not want to marry someone with an alcohol problem no matter how many other great things there are about them.
        "Be what you're looking for."

        Comment


        • Well, trying to condense my response, and not explain in great detail every single reason I arrived at this conclusion.

          I think you should leave. Top reasons are, she has a serious problem, and not just with alcohol. She needs time for herself to figure it all out, and work towards a solution. No matter how much love and support is given by you, she needs to learn to solve her own problem, with no soft place to land (you). I'm not suggesting that she can't do it with you, but I bet she gets there faster alone, because I think she's either sensing her dependency on you also, or she's simply not happy in the relationship. My guess it's dependency issues. She's either suffering from trauma in her past, or something else that needs addressed with counseling and intensive self care. She's sick. She's needing to relearn how to live and look at life. She needs to lean on her own strength for that. Nobody else.

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
            It has to be so hurtful to be in your position, to be so willing to work through this terrible issue with her (even though it's HER issue) and then she's yanking you around with the "I don't know what I want" stuff. I'm so sorry that's happening to you.

            Her drinking problem isn't just a side issue. When someone is an alcoholic, it IS their life. Everything else is 100% affected by their alcoholism, including their happiness in relationships, work, etc. As long as you're with her and she continues the alcoholic cycle, it will be YOUR life and the lives of your future children. As much as you love her, you will love them equally if not more and you will not want to put them through dealing with an alcoholic mother.

            She knows she has something good in you and she's afraid to lose it. She's afraid she will regret it. But, if she is telling her mother these things, and she's telling them to you too (I'm not sure what I want), then she means it. She's conflicted, and it's not just about the alcoholism. I think she's conflicted on what she wants and if she even wants to change.

            My suggestion is, be willing to stand by her side through treatment. Serious, hardcore treatment. Encourage her (both of you) to hold off on any relationship decisions until treatment is complete. But, love yourself enough to walk away if she continues to relapse. Trust me, you do not want to marry someone with an alcohol problem no matter how many other great things there are about them.
            Exactly

            Comment


            • This sounds negative but she will always drink. Nothing you do can change her. You can wish, hope and pray but she'll drink throughout her life. I would leave. There's no doubt she's a wonderful person when sober, but she isn't sober. Alcohol is her life. It is just sheer misery. I wouldn't stay in that relationship. I have had personal experience with an alcoholic and the person died an alcoholic. The person drank their entire life and never chose to stop. They had to be left to their own devices. Nothing ever changed. It was devastating that a person has to be drunk all the time to deal with their demons. It is soul destroying to watch someone like that. Hence why I don't drink.

              Comment

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