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Confused by a guy and need help and advice please!

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  • Confused by a guy and need help and advice please!

    OK SO! I started speaking with this guy at the end of January, we matched on a dating site but have close mutual friends. Conversation has been really good send about 5-6 (sometimes more) long messages to each other back and forth.. He's a very busy guy and I know in the past has suffered with depression too. About mid feb I decided to bite the bullet and ask if he wanted to go for drinks, conversation then slowed down, took him so long to reply to messages and took two weeks to nail down a day. When the day came he messaged me saying he'd been sent home from work sick, which i do think is genuine but who knows! He was very apologetic and chat since has been better than ever, he's quite flirty with me too but not too much. I'm confused because when he replies he seems so keen but he doesn't try and arrange a date and at times takes a while to reply.. he took over a day to reply to me the other day and I finally received messages from him last night.. I have not yet replied because I don't want to come across too keen? What is the right thing to do here? How long do I leave the reply? Do I bother at all? Theres been no mention of rearranging the date, and I feel a bit hesitant to be the one to ask again. Thoughts and advice VERY welcome
    Last edited by saraels; 03-31-2018, 09:21 AM. Reason: added tags

  • Well I'm kind of a direct person and I'd probably say to him "I'd like to re-arrange our meeting for drinks, but if there is some reason why you'd rather not, please tell me now. " The ball is then in his court and you should find out quick enough if he'd like to continue on to something else.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • So it's been over a month since the cancellation and he's made no effort to reschedule? And is now taking longer to reply...I'd be inclined to think he'd met someone he likes better.
      I would probably ask directly, as claret suggested in this case...

      Have you asked if he has any sort of social phobia, anxiety or other issues accompanying the depression?

      It's so hard to navigate these issues, when you don't know a person well. Giving the benefit of the doubt is perfectly acceptable and a good rule of thumb, but also, don't put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak. Continue speaking to others, dating and carry on normally.
      That's my approach with online dating.


      • It's been about 2 weeks now, with no talks of rearranging. But his replies are lengthy and flirty still so I don't feel like he has met someone else, maybe thats me being naive though!
        Thank you for your good advice, I think I will have to be direct with him in the end.


        • Instead of drinks, why not suggest meeting at a park or something similar? A museum, exhibit, etc. Or, 'hey, I'm gonna be at XYZ on Saturday, why don't you stop by.' Personally, I would like that instead of drinks.
          You are worthy!


          • I would probably continue talking to him, but also keep other options open. I'd not be so focused on him that I wasn't talking to and meeting others.

            If there's no other reasons not to have met by now, I, personally, would be losing my patience. 2 months is a long time to spend on someone that has no interest in meeting.

            In all my online dating experience, if they are not willing and ready to meet after a month of consistent contact, I'm pretty much done. If they communicate a legit reason to delay, I'd be fine with that too tho. I'm not inflexible, but I'm also not interested in a pen pal. Early on, there were lots of men that just want to text and seem to have no intention of meeting...ever.
            It's hard weeding them out, because they all say they wanna meet.

            Getting to know someone is best done in person...not over the phone. That's just true for me, and anyone that wants a serious relationship.

            Speak your mind, and then listen carefully and act accordingly. Try not to hear only what you want to hear, but listen and ask follow up questions.


            • Thank you for all your great advice! Much appreciated x


              • This is a long shot, but maybe he suffers from social anxiety? His not turning up may be due to something like that. I do think he likes you, but has anxiety. I wouldn't write him off yet, but he does have to realize - anxiety or no anixety - there is only so long you'll wait. I wouldn't wait forever, however. I'd give it one or two more go's and then, if nothing bears fruit, move on. It is a shame, though.



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