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Adverse to Dating

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  • Adverse to Dating

    I've come to a point in my life where I'd rather not date. I took a good-looking woman out last Friday. It wasn't the money I spent on her. It was dating just to date. I wished I had been with my ex-g/f whom I saw today. I am far more comfortable around her. There's no BS'ing between us. We define sexual compatibility. I don't have to worry about an STD. But for serious obstacles, I'd marry her. Then I'd be completely done with dating.

    I think I'll take my ex-g/ to dinner tomorrow evening. Maybe we can work on disassembling obstacles.

  • Sometimes I think it takes hopping the fence to determine the grass isn't greener on the other side. It's easy to get caught up in the labels of what society tells us we should be, what a relationship should be like, etc. But, at the end of the day, if what you and your ex gf had works for both of you, then it doesn't really matter if it's what society defines as traditional or not. Disassembling obstacles sounds like a good plan.
    "Be what you're looking for."


    • Hi Beautiful Disaster,

      When I'm tired, I'm close to worthless. The title should've been "Averse to Dating". I had a long, tiring weekend.

      Dating new people is akin to subjecting ourselves to subtle interrogation. Women are geniuses when it comes to extracting info. Incorrectly stating something or using a word that could be interpreted as a double entendre will almost always result in bifurcated interrogation. I'm an up-front dude. Just ask the question. If I'm comfortable with it and it doesn't violate privacy that I'll divulge in a relationship, I'll answer it. And no, I don't have diseases. I can understand women precautions. But don't beat around the bush trying to figure out how many women I've dated and whether I've exposed myself to possible STD's.

      A commonality of new dates is indirect assessment of my financial affairs. They use the classic, "Do you like to travel/where have you traveled?" I could book a trip for the price of a weekend date. Travel is inexpensive. But it's a segue to other indirect questions the answers to which indicate financial wherewithal. The fact of the matter is I don't have to work and I rake in far more than the median income of the area in which I live. But it ain't a new date's business. For some reason, they think they have to ferret it out of dudes as vetting process to determine suitability for relationship.

      I ain't a metro man. I'm good with women who want metro dudes. I am not afflicted with trichnophobia (fear of hair). The woman I dated last Friday was into what I call the prepubescent look. I'm good with how others want to groom (it's none of my business), and I know it's a psychological thing with me. I detest pedophiles. To me, a woman without pubic hair reminds me of a child, and turns me off in a New York second. I know that it's how I'm programmed. I won't fault in others who prefer it. Anyway, I had inferred that she had that look working for her. If I date her again, and we're dialed in for tomorrow, and it appears it might progress, I'll explain my programming to her. But I'd rather just avoid having the conversation. She's past menopause (she entered menopause early).

      My ex-g/f looks like a woman. In fact, she has a gorgeous bush. She normally keeps it groomed. But she knows that if she's remiss, I will never mention it. She understands and accepts my programming. In fact, we've always been able to have open and honest conversations about everything, especially sex. There were/are no games. She is no reticent about telling me what she wants, how she wants it, when she wants it, where she wants it, and how she wants it. It makes sex a lot more fun and stress-free.

      My ex-g/f has had a bush since puberty. She has never gone complete Brazilian. two dudes have asked her to shave it. One asked her on her first date as though he was preparing her for how she had to look when they had sex on their second date. There was no second date for him. The other was her second husband. She thought he was looking for new excitement by trying a novel approach. She didn't do it. But by then, sex with him was nearing its end. In fact, she strongly disliked sex with him. She LOVES having sex with me.

      I'm probably going to go out with the new girl tomorrow. She is a very busy professional, which is convenient. I don't have to worry about being on the hook for constant dating.


      • Dating is hard. Meeting new people and getting to truly learn about them is hard.

        For me, I love to travel and enjoy traveling to new places and having new adventures with my guy. If I was dating, I could see asking that question just as a way to generate conversation and see if he's been anywhere worth mentioning and would like to tell me about it. Also, it would let me know if he was into the same things I am into. In other words, I definitely wouldn't be asking to assess his financial affairs. I'd be asking to generate conversation and assess compatibility, which is pretty much the purpose of dating.

        A big part of me thinks no one is going to compare to your ex gf for you. And if truth be told, it's probably not even a fair competition. But maybe this dating time will help you better prepare yourself to disassemble those obstacles you mentioned.
        "Be what you're looking for."


        • WR, we ask questions about travel, and jobs, cars, etc...to assess personality and preferences, not for financial assessment. The car question, yes, I can see that from some women being a dig for financial info. But for me, it tells me something about him. If he chooses a sedan, that is a different personality (generally) than a guy who chooses a truck. I don't need to know the make/model, etc, but I like cars, I pay attention to cars and the kind of car we drive is indicative of things to me. A guy who's into classic cars, big plus. Has nothing to do with how much money he could or would, or did spend on a car.

          As for your ex-gf. I think the weary, exhausting thought of dating and going through the whole process of getting acquainted is too much for you to think of. You've said numerous times that you're not compatible with the ex-gf. She isn't going to change. Are you willing to accept those things that were once unacceptable?
          Are you just settling back into the easy way, the familiar and comfortable?
          Don't get with her, just because you don't want to be alone. And don't do it for good sex.

          I totally get it. Dating at our age is a mess. I've spent much more time being single and NOT dating, than I have actively trying to date. A big part of it is just stopping the analyzing, the guessing, the questioning and just let come what may. This woman you're seeing-either there's something there, or there's not. If not, politely say thanks for the company this evening, and part ways. You're making presumptions on someone you don't know, and accusing her of the same. I've dated a LOT. I have learned a lot, and I wouldn't necessarily change any of it, but it's been very difficult at times. For men, it's no different. I've met great men that were just as frustrated and disillusioned with the process as I am.

          Now, having said all that...there's nothing wrong, of course, with working on something with your ex. If you're both willing to put in that work, to make it what it needs to be. I fear that, you're simply settling into the "known", out of fear of the unknown, and sheer lack of gumption to seek out anything better fitting. Nothing necessarily wrong with that. Just be sure you're honest with yourself. It could be through time, and reflection, that you've also realized what you let go, and want to make it work.
          All things for you to figure out, but I'd be very certain of your position before you have a discussion with her.


          • Hi astkitty2,

            I get you about travel. But intent isn't always innocuous. I can pick off intent the second I hear the question and the manner in which it's asked.

            Maybe amy40 is right: I might just be apathetic. I just don't have interest in the dating process. I'm really good with meeting people, and I especially enjoy the company of women. Women can have a calming effect on men. But that doesn't mean I want to become intimate.

            In So Cal, there are more single women than men, which makes it more difficult for women to become involved in relationships. The woman I took out last Friday told me she was on a dating Website. She told me that every dude she dated was after sex, and they'd bring it up on first dates.

            The irony is when I ain't lookin' for dates, I find most. I met another at the gym today.

            My ex-g/f has told me many times that one of the aspects she loves most about me is her elevated comfort. We thoroughly know each other. When she comes over to my house, she takes off her clothes and either grabs a pair of my comfortable shorts and a t-shirt or she'll just remain naked (she loves being naked) in my bed with my TV''s remote control. She'll turn off her cell phone's ringer, relax, drink wine, and watch TV. Often she'll stay for days. She knows she's always welcome at my house. My house is her sanctuary from her life's too many stress causing problems, especially her kids. Almost always we'll knock off some serious action, but there are times when she merely wants to relax. I always allow her to pursue her agenda. If she is not in the mood for sex, which is rare, I'm good. But for a few very pronounced obstacles including her elitist attitude that she knows grates on me (she has toned it down considerably, but it's ingrained within her personality) and a few others, we'd be married. I still love her; however, I'm no longer in love with her. She can aggravate the nuts off of a brass monkey. Her assertive demeanor is undoubtedly a product of her stress, which is why I blow it off.

            BTW, she has asked where her black male stud stripper birthday present was. I'm good with it. If she's had a bottle of wine, he might not be good with her fantasy. Maybe I'll take her to a distant city where the chance of a dude who might know her performs for her. If she's half-lit, she won't care.

            Maybe my ex-g/f and I should give it another chance before I get too involved with my most recent date. I won't have sex with two women. I'm a one-woman dude.


            • It's a shame you're out of love with your ex-girlfriend [hence why she's an ex]. She is obviously very comfortable with you.

              Something you've said in your post resonates with me: when you're not looking for a date, you meet one! Isn't that odd? I think if you're happy with yourself and just enjoy your life without worrying about getting together with someone you'll be far more likely to meet that someone special. Because a person is always atracted to another who is happy in their life. Inner happiness attracts people. No one wants to date someone desperate for a partner: that is too intense and scares them off. No: be yourself and do what you're doing: because you've got the right approach. Definitely forget the dating and just live your life to the fullest.


              • Good Morning, Popcorn&Candy,

                Yes, it's ironic that we find when we're not looking.

                My ex became very comfortable with me early in our relationships. As soon as she knew she could trust me, she began telling me of her most protected secrets and her wild sexual fantasies. I'm the best friend she has ever had. I've never judged her, especially for her considerable sexual experiences. In fact, I've benefited greatly from her considerable sexual skills. She couldn't trust her ex-husband. Not only was he judgmental, he was harshly demeaning, especially about sex. He was an over-educated moron. All men know to never, ever demean a woman, especially during sex

                I have a spa date with new girl this evening. I believe it'll involve being naked together in the same private room. We've never never naked, let alone intimate. Women seem to be far less shy than most dudes I know. Anyway, it's a spa date & won't involve intimacy. She has said she has no problem with nudity. Not all that long ago, I associated naked and alone with a woman with sex. I don't any longer. To this very day, when my ex-g/f and I are alone, she's almost always naked. But then again, she's told me many times that since the first time she's had sex, she has loved being naked around men. She knew the power her naked body had over men. It used to have the same power over me. Now when she's naked I view it as no big deal. She loves being naked and I don't care.

                I'm going to my ex-g/f's house this morning before I do the gym. I have no intention of banging new girl tonight. I will be honest with my ex-g/f. If she's willing to sit down and talk for a couple hours and assure me she can keep her controlling kids out of our business, I might just cancel new girl date. Her daughter is just shy of 18. She has serious control issues. I wouldn't be surprised were she to cause her mom a nervous breakdown. She has no friends & has never had a boyfriend. She's a recluse & she thinks her mom should be in club recluse with her. She doesn't get it that her mom comes to my house for days to escape her psycho behavior. I'm a mellow and composed dude. If I can't hang with her behavior, my ex-g/f will never find a dude who will. There are too many single women in So Cal who come without shackles, my new girl, for instance. However, she does work a lot of hours due to covering shifts for her colleagues who are on vacation. She's told me that in 10 days, she'll have extended CA Central Coast road trip time.

                As it is now, as those who know me have advised, leave the past in the past and pursue the new who comes without shackles and manifested symptoms of stress caused by a kid with serious behavioral issues.


                • It's long past time that I commence to abiding by my creed: when you figure out it ain't gonna work, never throw another good day after bad.

                  My ex-g/f and I will never work, Obstacles denying a normal relationship are hugely insurmountable. Her youngest is deeply disturbed. My ex acquiesces to her evil scheme of manipulating her mother.


                  • Spa date tonight with new girl: private infrared sauna for us followed by floating.

                    I'm moving on, right on up.

                    New girl is good looking, sassy and feisty just like I love women, fun, loves to have fun, and we get along. Even better, she does not have shackles attached.

                    Excellent chance we'll be road trippin' to CA's Central Coast in a couple weeks. That'll be fun. CA's Central Coast is amazingly beautiful. Might make it as far as Big Sur.


                    • Enjoy!


                      • Hi Popcorn & Candy,

                        Thanks. We did have a lot of fun.

                        I'd do another spa date.



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