His experience < My experiences

[nic]

My significant other & I have been dating for almost 3 years now. We're getting to that point in our relationship where we're talking more about our future together. I understand to some people 3 years is still pretty new/fresh but we're both very serious about our relationship.

Only thing is, I seem to be manifesting this fear deep inside myself. I am my boyfriends first love, he's never been with another woman. He has dated before but I was the one who took his virginity. As for myself I've dated and been with other people before I met him. When we first started dating it was a bit of an issue for him knowing I have more experience than he does, but we talked about it for a long time and now it doesn't bother him.

What I'm getting at is that I have experienced the whole dating scene and sleeping with other people and the more serious our relationship gets means I'll be the only woman he's ever been with. I'm 26 and he's 22... He's never asked about seeing or sleeping with other people ever. I was the one who actually brought up the subject and ended up asking him if he ever thought about sleeping with other people because of our differences in experience. He did say that he's had curious thoughts as to what it would be like to sleep with another woman but doesn't need to because we're happy and it's not worth losing me in the process. He said that the only time he'd ever really consider sleeping with another woman is if I were okay with it. Sorta like a "hall-pass" and let him have a one-night stand. Other than that he said he's fine with me being his one and only. We have always been open and honest to one another and that's what I love about us most. We can talk about these things openly.

I know we're both happy with each other, but I fear that some day things could change and he might want to experience being with another woman because he still has those thoughts in the back of his mind sometimes. I told him I'd rather much have him get that experience now while we're still "fresh" 3 years into our relationship rather than 8 years down the line. But I'm also scared that if I do let him he might not come back. Does that make sense? Or am I totally delusional? I feel very conflicted about it and don't know if that would destroy our relationship or be healthy for our relationship. If anyone has had a similar experience I'd appreciate any advice.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You're caught in a difficult situation. Your significant other may want to sleep with someone else when you're together in your relationship, but whether or not that is down to him wanting to experiment with other people whilst with you, you can't predict. He says now that he will only ever want you and you feel because you're the only one he's been with that he will stray out of curiosity. But, again, you can't predict what he may or may not do.

Letting him experiment now wouldn't sit right with me. Because I feel a partner can stray, regardless of how many lovers he/she has had prior to their relationship. Basically, you don't know what he may do in some distant future. But I would stick with him and risk that chance.

3 years is a long time, I think, and he will learn much from you: both physically and emotionally. I'd stay with him, not tell him to fly because he might fancy someone else in the future. If that does happen, it happens.

Again, I'd stay with him and risk him leaving you. It is a risk even those experienced face.

[JonnyR]

Hello nic and welcome to WHI!

So this is a tough one -- there are so many angles to this that it would take us hours to go through all the possible scenarios of what you are asking, your thought process, and real feelings on these issues.

I think that to make things as easy as possible on you and where you are at and to respect both your and your significant other's feelings, we should break this down into a couple of ways of looking at it:

• We all "think" about having sex with other people -- especially if driven purely by physicality. Men often "check out" women instinctively visually, and thoughts just randomly pop up for us, as I'm sure it happens for many women just the same.

That being said, while admitting that carnal and basal instinct within all of us, it doesn't necessarily, automatically or inevitably lead to WANTING to have sex with anyone else.

While I might have an "instinct" when smelling bacon to want to eat bacon, I also have a brain and thought process that can then override that instinct with the more beneficial thoughts of wanting to lower my fat intake, eat healthy and stay away from processed meats.

What this means is that I would not worry at all about his "thoughts" or yours, of having sex with someone else -- for it does not alter your situation or those of many other couples, at all.

• Now the tricky part: the future and fear.

We all have it within us to want to control a person, situation etc, so that we do not get hurt, let down etc.

Problem: we cannot, and the more we pull, the further away the person wants to go from our ideals of where we'd like them to be.

You guys are both young -- REALLY young -- to be wanting to commit to each other for the rest of your lives.

I think your fears are well-founded -- but not for the reasons you think.

The reason most people stray in relationships is not because of not getting their sexual needs met (although that does happen as well in the case of dysfunction, lack of desire, etc), but more so because they're not getting their NEEDS met -- meaning their emotional, intellectual and spiritual needs.

Think about it this way: if your boyfriend says that he is happy right now and doesn't want to sleep with anyone else, it's likely because he IS happy and doesn't want to mess that up, DESPITE his inexperience. He's experienced enough to know he's happy and to him that is all that matters, and ultimately, what matters to all of us.

Why would we EVER stray on someone that meets all our needs: someone that makes us feel loved, taken care of, nurtured, happy, respected, sexy, adored, listened to, we have fun with, trust, feel a deep connection to, etc.?

For about 95% of us, we wouldn't, and that's regardless of our "experience" in and out of relationships -- except in the case of really young, insecure and relationship-inexperienced folks that don't understand what they have...

Which leads me to say: if you "allow" him a hall pass, it might change your dynamics for the worse -- I would speak with other couples that have done simialr things and get their experience and feedback. I bet dimes to dollars, that MOST would regret changing what was already a very happy place into something that now is uncertain, insecure and has added drama where there was none before.

• Or...what if this is an erotic thing for you both?

A possible solution, would be if you both were TRULY OK with this, and perhaps made it into an erotic thing to liven up your sex life -- if that's even something you need now!

Maybe you are brutally honest about when, and with whom and how he can have his "play date" and a condition is that he tells you all about it, you watch, or some other "erotic" play that allows him to experiment under the guise of actually increasing YOUR sexual appetites for each other.

This is a long shot however and likely not applicable to you.

• Final thoughts: There is no easy/simple solution:

You need to talk this out, think about what's in your heart and my final offer of advice is to go with your gut, not your head. If you feel deep inside that this route (allowing him hall passes and such) would be too much for you to bear with someone you love so deeply, DON'T do it, or pursue it!

I think before you posted this, you already "knew" in your heart what you wanted to do, but are struggling to reconcile what you "should" do if you're to be a "good" partner and an "open" person...

Don't cross those wires!!

Your instincts are your true marker -- how often have they been wrong in your entire life? How often have you regretted not listening to them?

Use that as your ultimate guide and you will not make a wrong decision....no amount of research, consulting or questioning can make a bad decision good, only marginally, rationally justify it within your "head" while the whole time your "heart" knew it was wrong.

[MrMr]

An important factor with this is experimenting and being adventurous. You can try new things together without him needing different partners. The main curiosity generally comes from seeing others naked or in a sexual way.

[MrMr]

If you have good close friends that are open minded and sexually Liberal then it's a great way of being adventurous. Seeing each others bodies and having great sexual chemistry but only being physical with your partner.

[jns]

I'm not sure that sleeping with another woman would have entered his mind as something that he would like to do until you brought it up. The first real relationship can be special and he may be thinking that there is nothing else.

[Popcorn&Candy]

To be honest, nic, if he did want to stray then maybe you would be better off with someone else. This sounds terrible, but if he were inclined to want to experiment with other people [without involving you, if you see what I mean] then maybe he would not be the person you thought him and loved him for being: so there would be no point having him experiment. To be blunt, if he were behaving like a dog, then would you really want to be with him? Not likely. But you do know him and know he loves you. You have to trust you fell in love with the right man and that there is risk in any relationship for a partner to stray: even those in seemingly rock solid marriages. I don't mean that in the way you think: I mean letting him go with others to ensure he satisfies temptation in order to stay with you, is not the best method for keeping him.

I hope you get what I am saying, because I mean this post in the nicest possible way. I also think there is a risk of a person cheating, no matter the relationship. It is something that can happen to anyone, as awful as that sounds. Basically, trust him and trust he will never grow bored of you.

[MrMr]

Jay Z felt the need to cheat on Beyonce, so it doesn't hold much hope to prevent our own partners. However, as above instill trust and you'll hopefully get reassurance

[MrMr]

As a side note, its important to remember that the best sex generally comes from a loving couple who are good communicators.

[WaveRider]

The answer to nic's predicament might be difficult to find.

Virginal until marriage is an illusion.

Wisdom, all to often, is a component of maturity.

I now look at sexual experience as a gift. My g/f is the most sexually experienced woman I've known. Thankfully, she acquired her sexual experience before I met her.

[Popcorn&Candy]

You're right, WaveRider: virginal until marriage is not often going to happen. I also agree with my previous post. Also, MrMr is right: Jay Z cheated on Beyonce. And Beyonce - as we know - is beautiful. This means if he did cheat on you, it would be no reflection on your beauty, wealth and value.

No one can predict the future: when the future becomes the present, then we have to decide. Because your future with him is not guaranteed no matter what you do. I am not trying to sound negative, but make the most of now and don't dwell on the possibility of him straying. If that fear doesn't go, you have to look inside yourself to see your - possible - insecurities. I am not saying you're insecure, but it could be a factor in these fears of him leaving you. But, again, I don't mean to be rude or sound patronising.

I hope things work out for you and do keep us informed. I am happy to advise you.