Why Are Some Men Afraid Of Marriage? He Just Won't Propose!

[Helen T.]

Have you been dating the same guy for years and he just will NOT propose? Are you wishing to marry him and confused about why he won't just ask you?

It seems like many men these days, especially millennial's, are just afraid of marriage. But why? Are we gals doing something wrong? Have you ever been in this situation?

I wrote an entire article on this topic, including one-on-one interviews with men and medical experts on WHY today's millennial men aren't proposing. I'd love to hear your thoughts on the topic!

You can read the entire article here:

https://www.womens-health.com/men-not-marrying

[Ashlee T.]

I think us ladies are definitely partially at fault for why many men are afraid of marriage. As the article covers, so many women get so fixated on the engagement being IG worthy that they ignore relationship red flags. Then, they get so fixated on planning the "perfect" wedding that they ignore why they're getting married to begin with. If marriage is to be nothing more than a box we check off on our life checklist - then what really is the point? Then as soon as that box is checked, the next box "having children" is tunnel vision.

Marriage is of the heart. Men are no different than women in that they need to feel loved, cherished, special, unique, etc. I would definitely resist proposing to someone who seemed hyper fixated on the act of it all. Maybe today's young men are just not feeling the pressure their parents and grandparents felt to marry fresh out of high school....so they're being a little pickier about who they settle down with. That might be a good thing.

I hate it that there are men out there who WANT to propose but don't feel like the engagement or ring they could offer would be good enough. I'd argue that maybe those men are with the wrong women.

[jns]

I've seen guys become more marriage shy when the rules of society and legal results work against them. They see generations before them struggle as they have to pay alimony to an ex who could work just as hard and make as much money. I've heard guys complain about being used as a sperm donor who has to continue making monthly payments when they didn't even want to have a child in the first place or if they did, it was to be with an equal partner. Also, I think a lot of guys don't want to upset the apple cart which is why they aren't eager to get married during a stable, long term relationship. In my case, I went for a more traditional marriage with a woman from another country. More traditional means more traditional roles and I had much greater earning power.

[Popcorn&Candy]

It does seem there is a checklist to relationships. Such as:

1. Have a relationship for a few years.
2. Get engaged and plan a massive wedding.
3. Invite everyone and his uncle to the wedding, where the now-husband has to deal with his fear of public speaking and stand up in front of everyone who attended the wedding.
4. There has to be an expensive honeymoon. Anywhere hot and sunny with the bank account being drained.
5. Once the honeymoon is over, there is the suggestion of children.
6. Of course the woman is quickly pregnant.
7. Then he has to watch her go through childbirth, blinding and swearing at him.
8. He now has a few children who throw tantrums in the middle of Tesco, completely humiliating him.
9. He grows old and his wife and him remember their marriage, glad they did get married.

Just a few pointers on why men are reluctant to propose!

[atskitty2]

There's a lot to unpack here. I think a lot of us women also are choosing not to marry. Maybe that can be a follow-up article?

Often we move in together, and skip the formality of marriage.
We think nothing of children outside the bounds of marriage, as was formerly the accepted social norm, so marriage has been removed from the equation, as divorce can be an unnecessary and messy step.
Traditional views have changed. Many younger people, and older, want to just keep life simple. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I agree with jns' comments. Men often wind up getting hammered in family court, unnecessarily.

I can also agree with Ashlee's comment that men may be waiting to find the right one. I can remember some men I knew many years ago that told me they'd married their wife ONLY because that's who they happened to be dating when they were at the age to be expected to be married. They didn't love them, didn't think they'd make a great partner, it was simply the chance of it. Some had been loyal and formed a good marriage. A couple I knew had formed alternative lifestyles, cheated, or they both simply had other people in their lives that filled the empty areas not completed by their wife.

So, I think there are many sociological and economical reasons, in addition to the emotional and mental reasons men, and women, are shying away.

[Helen T.]

Thanks for your comments. This is definitely a complicated topic - and yes atskitty2 I discovered in my research that lots of women are choosing not to marry. I wanted to write this article after many of my friends experienced feeling trapped because their boyfriends won't propose and yet they don't want to pop the question themselves. I think ultimately it all boils down to communication and if you can't tell the person you want to spend the rest of your life with what you want then perhaps they're not right for you. And certainly Popcorn&Candy the checklist feels very real! I like to call it the treadmill...

[Lucille]

I'm hoping the reason men are not getting married is because women are becoming wiser and waiting until they find a truly loving, respectful, considerate man - and not just marrying because "everyone else is doing it" and ending up just settling, only to be in a loveless marriage, cheated on, depressed on how her life panned out, etc.

A lot of men don't feel they have to get married if they've found a woman who will act like a wife (have sex with them) while still holding on to their "freedom". It's a lot easier to break up with someone if there are no children and no divorce lawyers involved.

[Texasred]

This whole marriage thing can be pretty complicated. Right now I'm staying in (my second) marriage simply because our son is still in college and still living at home. He graduates in a month, and if he takes a job elsewhere, I'll be moving on too.
I've been married almost 28 years but my wife completely lost interest in sex maybe 15 years ago, and thinks I'm weird because I still like it. She still accommodates my needs once or twice a month, but makes it clear she's doing this just as a favor. Me, I feel like I should leave money on the nightstand...
So when my son finds a woman, I'm going to advise him **NEVER** get married!
In the meantime, I have a lady friend who enjoys my company and enjoys making love with me.

[Ashlee T.]

This whole marriage thing can be pretty complicated. Right now I'm staying in (my second) marriage simply because our son is still in college and still living at home. He graduates in a month, and if he takes a job elsewhere, I'll be moving on too.
I've been married almost 28 years but my wife completely lost interest in sex maybe 15 years ago, and thinks I'm weird because I still like it. She still accommodates my needs once or twice a month, but makes it clear she's doing this just as a favor. Me, I feel like I should leave money on the nightstand...
So when my son finds a woman, I'm going to advise him ****NEVER**** get married!
In the meantime, I have a lady friend who enjoys my company and enjoys making love with me.

That's a really crap situation to be in. I know you're not alone as we recently did an article on Sexless Marriages and there was no shortage of people (both men and women) who were willing and eager to speak on it. I'd caution you though...where your son is concerned not to project your own negative situation onto him. Marriage does not equal no sex. I know many married folks who have healthy sex lives. And he may be lucky enough to meet someone he can share that with long term. In other words, just because your marriage turned out that way doesn't mean his will. Fearing commitment will lead to lack of sex may deprive him of a really awesome love.

Looking back on your own relationship, were there red flags before marriage that you could use to help your son know what to look out for?

[Popcorn&Candy]

That is a crap situation to be in, Texasred. If you're not willing to tolerate a sexless marriage, you have every right to not tolerate that sexless marriage. It sounds as if you're truly sick and tired of the situation. Your wife seems - from here at least - to have no interest in you or your body anymore. I wouldn't stick around either. You'll be wise to move on and find a person who does want passion and your body.

I agree you'll be happier to move on.