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Am I Self-Sabotaging My Relationships? How Can I Stop?

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  • Wondering if your body is normal or freaky for your age? I don't understand-what do you mean by that?

    How old are you, out of curiosity?

    When we are strong, independent and solid within ourselves, we tend not to make these poor choices.
    It's when we're in a position of weakness that we accept these sub-par relationships.

    It's kind of like being very hungry and going to a restaurant that's quite busy with only 1 table available,and it's the one next to the bathroom. So you take the table, because you're starving, and pretend not to mind the sounds of flushing toilets, smell of other people's waste, and constant traffic past your table...you were too hungry to wait for something more pleasant.
    We're in a vulnerable position when we're really "hungry" and we'll accept whatever we can get.

    When we are complete, when we're whole and fulfilled women, when our lives are full already, we won't just take any crappy "table" that's offered. We'll wait the extra hour for that seat with the ocean view, relax and enjoy a nice meal. This is an analogy of course, and I hope you get what I'm driving at. There's a desperation that comes when we aren't fulfilling our own needs.

    It seems like I've made every dating mistake possible, aside from accepting abuse in any way. It's hard to find someone that is a balance for us, and if we do, there's a good chance there may be other peripheral issues to cause the relationship to fail. There are so many variables and we're human, after all. Everything is math and chemistry!

    The bottom line is, we have to do the work within ourselves, before we can build a solid foundation and healthy relationship that will bring fulfillment to us, and we can add something to that partner's life too. Our goal should not only be to have our needs met, but to contribute to their life in a meaningful way as well.

    So, I'd encourage you to explore that. What is it really driving you to date, and what is it that you really want? It has to be more than "a baby". What is it that you need in a partner? What is it that you would not tolerate? How is it that you feel most loved and validated?
    Also, really begin considering what kind of partner you are. What is it that you bring to the table in a relationship? What are your strengths? How do you love? What will you contribute mentally, emotionally and otherwise?
    You can be honest. This is just you having a good discussion with yourself, or writing it down.

    These things are important when you're "interviewing" potential partners. It will guide you toward the person that will meet your needs, and give you an idea whether or not YOU are a good match for them. It's important that you realize that YOU must meet their needs as well. If they are happy, they'll be much more inclined to be a giving partner and your relationship will connect on that deeper level.

    Assess these characteristics and possibilities before you allow yourself to be drawn in by physical attraction, or other more superficial attributes. You'll also be able to recognize when a partner needs something that you are unable or unwilling to give.

    Does this make sense, or just overwhelming?

    It takes time and can be a bit much, but it helps to move in this direction.


    • Thank you atskitty2 for the thoughtful response.

      As for the first question, I spilled a great deal about that in another thread. Doubt people want to hear it again.

      For the rest, I totally understand what you're saying. That's one thing I've been doing with the time I haven't been dating is giving a lot of thought and work on self-improvement and considering how to have healthier relationships. I am also aware that it is an ongoing task in life, trying to get healthier.


      • Pastel Yellow - It's sometimes hard to differentiate between self-sabotaging relationships and just being in relationships with people who aren't right for you. Of course, I have only a grain of information, but it sounds as if the latter is more accurate in your case. You aren't ruining relationships with awesome dudes who are crazy about you. Or at least, it doesn't seem so.

        I do think our physical insecurities can hold us back if we let them. When we are single for any length of time, we get so used to hiding our bodies in a sense, that it seems so scary to think of exposing it to someone new. And if we let ourselves get SO in our heads about it, then it can really screw things up especially when you find someone who thinks you're perfect just the way you are. I do not know your medical history, but it sounds like some good consistent and challenging physical exercise as well as an increase in protein could help you regarding your physical concerns.
        "Be what you're looking for."


        • Thank you so much Ashlee T.


          • I agree atskitty2: if it ain't broke, definitely DO NOT fix it! You're a normal person who has insecurities, but you've been adult and worked through them with your partner. Of course you're emotional, but you're still mature and don't play games in relationships. The fact you're able to discuss things with your partner means you're not acting like a child, for lack of a better term.

            If you're satisfied in your relationship, then that's wonderful and you're right to keep working at maintaining that relationship.


            • Ashlee makes the important distinction between self-sabotaging a relationship, and just sabotaging yourself. Sometimes I think that sabotage begins before we ever get into a relationship. We begin by choosing people that we know are wrong for us, that we know we're not going to build a relationship with.


              • In your circumstances, it was him who was engaging in "destructive behavior": being involved with you and messaging another woman (I'm assuming in a romantic/sexual way). Even if you had done something wrong, it still didn't justify his emotionally (if not physically) cheating on you.
                Us women are often too quick to blame ourselves for a man's negative behavior: "If only I had done...", "If only I hadn't done..." Let's put blame where blame is due.
                Suggested reading: Josette Sona's free book "Woman to Women"


                • Well said, atskitty2.



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