[Happy1]

I can not believe him. We have been talking for quite a while, started bc we were both unhappy in our marriages. I didnt want to be "the other woman" and I couldnt stand the idea of being unhappy any longer,so I got a divorce. (No it wasn't that easy, but I dont want to bore with every detail) .That was months ago. We work together, talk daily, he hasn't left, there always seems to be some reason why the timing is wrong. Last night we had a work event, she showed up where he was before the event and refused to let him go to it alone. So he went home with her and stayed there after promising me he would be there at the event. She only wanted to show up to make it hell for me, she found out we had been talking and threatened to kill me about 6 months ago. He still hasn't left!

He keeps saying he will leave soon, he just has to iron things out. She has two kids by two other men, he has grown attached to them, that is the biggest reason he is there(he says). They dont sleep together, or didnt for quite a while until about a month ago he got drunk and did. I forgave and said to leave or I wouldnt talk to him. He said he would, and he hasnt. We slowly started talking again, I feel so weak, I cant even stop talking to him, he has become my best friend. I guess I just want to know, and maybe guys can help me with this, Will he leave? Do we even stand a chance of being together happily?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Happy1...

You started talking to your co-worker at a time that you were very vulnerable...

He possibly is not "entirely" happy in his marriage and children are children, it is not relevant if they are not his, he of course is attached to them, he has assisted in raising them...

What i don't understand is why you want to jump from one fire to another?

Lonliness? A fear of rejection? Not used to being without a man around?

You only asked for a Divorce a few months ago, and this co-worker is your "best friend"... he is one whom you communicated with, with your every secret, fears, whilst getting to the point of divorcing and there was a "fling" of sorts, typically as a woman you now feel that you have a bond.

Fact is, he is married. Fact is he hasn't left. Fact is he has told you that he wants to, will, can't because of the children, hasn't had sex with her, did have sex with her...

He probably is in a state of either confusion himself as you've entered his life, or, letting you down softly but still, can't let you go totally, why would he? He has a lady whom likes him ?

Time out for you i would say... Your judgement is getting clouded, you haven't even found you again yet, your rebounding in a way.

And, he's married, hasn't left, has given reasons why, so don't you deserve better anyway?

No, i don't think he will.

No, i don't think you do have a chance...

Because, he's not ready to do anything and truthfully, subconsciously may not want to either, but have the things he doesn't have with her, with you....

Let him go..... get on with your life and find you again... before you even contemplate on finding another man to share your life with.

I do know this, i am separated 12 months and i certainly spent time on me, finding me before even looking and that way, i didn't rebound, or find someone that i will not be happy with later through those rose tinted glasses i would have been waring... I found a fantastic guy, in-sinct with me in every way, and i'm even taking that slowly to "see".... Whilst totally being myself at the same time....

CW

[Happy1]

Im not trying to jump from one fire to another. I can be alone, I dont like it and no I'm not used to it. I have invested so much emotionally with him, I do care deeply for him. He isnt a bad person, I know that he does care. I just get so so so tired of things this way. I plan to tell him the next time that we talk that I cant talk to him anymore. He needs to leave if leaving is what he wants. Then he needs to move on. If I am something he wants he will do what has to happen to get there. I just have a soft heart to him. He is taking advantage and that isnt fair to anyone, me, her, him or the kids. Its so much easier to say than it is to do.

I dont have any friends that my ex husband hasnt "claimed" so I do feel very alone. To make matters worse I found out that my ex husband has gone back to his ex girlfriend. Maybe that is why I feel like the co worker has to leave. Up to now, in general, I have done what I want. I have gone out with one friend I have made and had a good time finding me, I did take your advice in April.I searched for Happy1. Its just that the last week the co worker came over for a few minutes twice. It made me miss him so much. Then all this went down last night and I am just at my breaking point.

I keep thinking that if he cared, the way that he says he does, why cant he see that he is hurting me and I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. I'm just frustrated and hurt, it feels like everyone walks all over me.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Oh sweet... I'm pleased truly that you did get out there for you... Just didn't know if you did or not, just checking you weren't looking at him with different coloured glasses on... (smile)...

Well, i doubt that the ex-husband and his ex-girlfriend will last long, now that is rebound hey?

And, probably you are doing what is right. If you walk away at least he gets to miss you, work it out finally in his head what he wants and you get to find this out.

Always a 50/50 which way it will go understand, but staying is a 50/50 as well isn't it.. Or worse..

I know of a guy that has fallen for a woman, and he is married. He talks to me privately via MSN, about it. I have stated look, you have to leave for you, go into a place of your own, by yourself.. 1) you can't be having an affair on your wife whilst she's trying to make it work with you, that's just not fair, nor can you 2) move in with this woman, straight away, as it will break the wifes heart but more so for you, you are going from one to the other with no solid independance. I mean what if that relationship doesn't work in the end, where will you go then? Plus he has children as well, they would not respect him if he left their mother and moved in with another.

Maybe this is a suggestion for him? Move out on his own, in a flat by himself and be alone, and date you properly...

Safe all round..

But, yes, you want answers and you want them NOW, not later.

I think your thoughts are good ones...

People also, can only walk all over you if you let them and that's because you've got a good heart. So toughen up a tad.. x

CW

[Happy1]

Thank you. I really enjoy reading your posts. I was hoping you could help me out. It does bother me that I am taking a chance, but like you said, I am almost positive I know how things will go if I dont. I want so much to be stronger and it is such a process. Thankfully, for me the hardest part is over, letting go of the ex husband. You are 100% correct, things will never work with he and the ex girlfriend, it just hurt that he went back to her, really messes with your head to think that maybe he loved her all along and thats why he wasnt better to me. Either way, thats a part of the past.

I really appreciate your advice, Im going to do my best to be strong and let go. I know that he has a very hard time not talking to me so if I can stay strong maybe he will see that if I am what he wants he HAS to grow up and do what HE wants and move on from her. I have been very patient with him about this, mainly because of your advice in April, thinking about rushing him and me into something and it not working would take me right back to where I was with the ex. Miserable.

Thanks alot, I needed that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I know life sucks hey? ...... But, i always think, if it's in your face, you don't miss it, true?

If it's gone you miss it? Also true.

And unfortunately, it's gone and you don't miss it... is also true.

So what do you have to lose?

More so if you stay and wonder?

Your ex? No, he is lonley, you walked out on him... He needs attention.. Easy option to go backwards, rather than forwards... So i wouldn't be putting myself down there and think he may have loved you more...

April? That long ago? lol... No point being miserable hey, let nature takes it's course which every way that follows suit... Sometimes it's perfect and other times it's not, but the end result leaves you free, if not to seek and find and the find may be all you ever dreamed of that you wouldn't have found otherwise, by staying and waiting, waiting, waiting.

What will be will be hey...

Deep mood today i feel...

X

CW

[commonsense]

Im not trying to jump from one fire to another. I can be alone, I dont like it and no I'm not used to it. I have invested so much emotionally with him, I do care deeply for him. He isnt a bad person, I know that he does care. I just get so so so tired of things this way. I plan to tell him the next time that we talk that I cant talk to him anymore. He needs to leave if leaving is what he wants. Then he needs to move on. If I am something he wants he will do what has to happen to get there. I just have a soft heart to him. He is taking advantage and that isnt fair to anyone, me, her, him or the kids. Its so much easier to say than it is to do.

I dont have any friends that my ex husband hasnt "claimed" so I do feel very alone. To make matters worse I found out that my ex husband has gone back to his ex girlfriend. Maybe that is why I feel like the co worker has to leave. Up to now, in general, I have done what I want. I have gone out with one friend I have made and had a good time finding me, I did take your advice in April.I searched for Happy1. Its just that the last week the co worker came over for a few minutes twice. It made me miss him so much. Then all this went down last night and I am just at my breaking point.

I keep thinking that if he cared, the way that he says he does, why cant he see that he is hurting me and I'm not going to sit around and wait for him. I'm just frustrated and hurt, it feels like everyone walks all over me.

As long as he can have "both" of you he will.
Pull out of the horse race and you will have a better chance of crossing the finish line.

[brdwaybeauty]

From my past experiences, I know that guys are the shadiest of all people. They really only do what makes them happy. Maybe she does make him happy, but he likes having you on the side as well. That was how it was with my ex. He would say he still had feelings for me, but there was another girl that he was still with and never left her and in the end I just ended up hurting, because I was holding on to something that should have stopped. I don't think this guy is worth it at all if he is so attached to these kids and you got a divorce and after all that he still has not left her for you. The stronger the feelings are for him the harder it is going to be to get over him. Maybe it is time to finally let go and find another man that is actually worth your time and isn't going to lie to you.