Have you ghosted someone?

[atskitty2]

In dating these days, ghosting seems to be a common way men and women cut ties with potential partners.
Have you ever ghosted someone? Do you do it regularly? Why do you do it?
Let's talk about it!

I was ghosted many times when I was dating. Sometimes it would be early in the process, before even meeting, and sometimes after a couple weeks dating, or longer. It's one thing that has fascinated me, and made my head tilt to the side on more than one occasion. I think there are many reasons people do it, and I think it's terribly interesting to dissect these behaviours.
In the early stages, before meeting, I think there's no obligation to officially end anything, but a common courtesy to alert that person that you intend not to continue contact.

The best friend of my man is on dating sites, and in the past few months, we've had chats about the way this man has blown it with women. He either ghosts, or he does something to ruin any developing relationship, often by conscious choice. He was chatting with a woman for a week or more, and yesterday, began his descent into ghosting this woman. According to my bf, he's not lacking confidence in general, or with women. He's a successful, smart guy. Divorced several years.
My bf read me the texts he sent, detailing his ghosting plan over the next day or so, leading up to what was supposed to be the first date. Why not just say, "Hey girl, I've changed my mind, I don't really care to meet after all..."

This guy in particular, I think is not genuinely interested in a relationship. It seems like he's making a half-asssed attempt at dating to satisfy some sort of perceived social obligation to do so. He seems perfectly happy on his own really. It doesn't seem to be boredom. Despite my bf's assessment, I do think there's some low self-esteem at play. It doesn't seem to be some sort of conquest to get their attention to feed his ego...I think it's interesting that he (and I suspect MANY other men and women) spend their time doing this, over and over again, with such intention.

Why do you ghost? Do you fear an ugly response from that person if you tell them you've lost interest?
Did you ever truly intend to meet?

Have you been ghosted? How does it make you feel?

[jns]

Could it be that he is trying to get back at a situation in his past where he was ghosted by transferring the situation to someone else and being the one in charge this time? Once the satisfaction disappears, he has to find a new, soon to be victim to repeat the cycle.

[atskitty2]

jns could be I guess. He lives 5 states away, so I've not met him to get a sense of any bitterness he may be harboring. Sounds like the divorce was not terrible-they remain friendly and share custody of a dog. I don't know his history otherwise.

Ghosting is so common. I always wonder the reason and it's probably nothing more than avoiding potential conflict in most cases.

[JonnyR]

atskitty2 Oh boy do I have stories to tell about ghosting...mostly being ghosted!

I have done it myself as well, but that was many years ago, while I was still developing as a man and understanding how my actions affect others and turning the golden rule upon myself.

Nowadays, I don't ghost ever -- even if it's a quick courtesy text after an initial phone call saying simply: "Thanks for taking the time to chat yesterday. After thinking about it, I don't feel we're a good match and I wanted to be honest with you."

Now women on the other hand -- whether because of having so much choice, wanting attention (ego), and/or simply not having or wanting to deal with any painful situation, seem to ghost me a LOT!

And no, it's not because I'm bad at dating! In fact, I am very fascinated and surprised by how many people out there lack in communication skills.

I've commented previously about my dating experiences during COVID and how ********ty those have been, but regarding ghosting, it's a behavior that will probably happen forever and is as old as time, but one that I wish would meet its end.

I firmly believe in high levels of integrity -- and I believe that integrity starts with yourself. How you treat yourself, feel about yourself, and what you will and won't put up with -- your standards.

I think if most folks stopped for a second and asked honestly -- "who do I want to be, what type of person would I be proud of, what type of actions define someone who treats others with dignity and respect" -- I think most people would really take a hard look at ghosting as just being inhuman and crueler than the honesty that probably takes LESS time to convey than the time and effort it takes to purposefully avoid someone!

At least that's the conversation that I had with myself -- along with the golden rule talk about "wow, when I was ghosted, that felt like SH#T, I don't want to do that to someone else ever again..."

[Vanessa R.]

I'm honestly surprised there aren't more replies to this! Ghosting is one of the most ridiculous occurrences and I truly wish it didn't exist. It serves no real purpose and definitely doesn't contribute to emotional growth. It's so immature.

I was ghosted a lot once I got out of a long-term relationship unexpectedly and found myself back on the market. I did the dating site thing for a brief moment and also met people randomly and would start hanging out. For me, the minute I said, "I miss/missed you" to a guy -- POOF -- he's gone. I was absolutely baffled! Back in the day, dropping the "L word" was what sent guys packing so for me to simply have said I missed someone didn't seem like anywhere near the ballpark by comparison. And FYI: it was well over a month or two into us hanging out that I would even utter those words...plus, I'm not a clingy gal so I wasn't smothering anyone. So believe me, I was definitely confused AF.

But as I discovered back then, the dating scene has completely changed. I think what's made it worse is the obsession with social media and people portraying themselves as this or that...so much so, that they're starting to believe their own hype, haha. Plus, social media has also created an awkwardness (or maybe enhanced it?) around communicating with people face-to-face. It's already hard to deal with breaking bad news to anyone, especially dating-related, and I think that despite all the technology and ways to communicate, it just became more convenient to ghost someone and take the easy way out. No need to use your words or worry about the person's reaction.

When I realized me saying I missed a guy seemed to be the common thread, I developed an abandonment complex. I never uttered the words, "I miss you" or texted it to any guy for years. I ended up dating this really great guy for a little over a year and I ended up saying it but he didn't hear me and when he asked me to repeat myself, I totally bailed and said something else. Ghosting had me messed up that badly!

Thankfully, I've said it since then and didn't have the person disappear so I got over that but when I was getting ghosted so much back then, it really messed me up.

I've never ghosted anyone because I'd just rip the band-aid off and do us both a favor instead of playing games. I wish others would learn to do the same. It's just common courtesy.

[atskitty2]

Vanessa R. I have been surprised that more of these kinds of posts don't get some attention too! I think most of the visitors/regulars here are not in the dating game!

I think this type of childish behavior in dating messed me up for awhile also. I think a big factor in the ease of ghosting is just that we don't have to ever see that person again. We can move on to new social circles, block them from all means of contact, and avoid the places they frequent. We never have to be face to face again, so it's easy to lie, hurt them, and leave unanswered questions.

[JonnyR]

Agreed with all - it sucks, and shouldn't be allowed! LOL...

It's gotten to the point now (sadly I would think...) that I EXPECT the ghosting, and so when/if it happens, I am neither surprised nor bothered by it one bit...as I said, I turned it into fascination instead: "Wow! I was ghosted already! ****, that's a new record...lol".

One thing I will say Vanessa R. is that one thing I learned about ghosting, and really just relationships in general is this:

If being your true self, expressing that you miss someone, want to see them, or otherwise like them causes them to run for the hills, it simply means they are not right for you, and/or were not on the same wavelength as you.

When someone is emotionally mature, ready for a relationship, or seeks intimacy (even if they don't want a long term relationship, but are not afraid of getting close with someone they know might not end up being a long term relationship), those sayings and thoughts will never scare them.

Stuff like that used to freak me the F** out too...until I did a lot of personal growth and development and had several breakthroughs in my own life.

Now, I'm one of the rare "dudes" on the other side of the equation -- I will tell a woman straight-up "I really want to see you" or something similar -- A friend of mine said "aren't you afraid you'll scare them off" and I was like "Nope -- because my woman will feel the same way, and it will draw her to me, not repel her."

Stay strong, stay steady, and be true to yourself. You win either way -- if they aren't prepared for that type of interaction, they leave, saving you valuable time and heartache. And if they stay, they are further drawn to your honesty, your vulnerability and your intimacy. It's sexy as hell when someone is vulnerable -- to someone that is ready to receive that.

[Vanessa R.]

Vanessa R. I have been surprised that more of these kinds of posts don't get some attention too! I think most of the visitors/regulars here are not in the dating game!

I think this type of childish behavior in dating messed me up for awhile also. I think a big factor in the ease of ghosting is just that we don't have to ever see that person again. We can move on to new social circles, block them from all means of contact, and avoid the places they frequent. We never have to be face to face again, so it's easy to lie, hurt them, and leave unanswered questions.

Very true atskitty2 ! You bring up a good point about how easy it is for someone to walk away in all facets. Of course, the fact that there are people out there who would not only ghost another human being but take extra steps to literally kick them out of their life in all aspects are definitely the signs of major red flags and how much more growing that particular individual has to do. They certainly don't belong in any kind of relationship, that's for sure.

[Vanessa R.]

Agreed with all - it sucks, and shouldn't be allowed! LOL...

It's gotten to the point now (sadly I would think...) that I EXPECT the ghosting, and so when/if it happens, I am neither surprised nor bothered by it one bit...as I said, I turned it into fascination instead: "Wow! I was ghosted already! ********, that's a new record...lol".

One thing I will say Vanessa R. is that one thing I learned about ghosting, and really just relationships in general is this:

If being your true self, expressing that you miss someone, want to see them, or otherwise like them causes them to run for the hills, it simply means they are not right for you, and/or were not on the same wavelength as you.

When someone is emotionally mature, ready for a relationship, or seeks intimacy (even if they don't want a long term relationship, but are not afraid of getting close with someone they know might not end up being a long term relationship), those sayings and thoughts will never scare them.

Stuff like that used to freak me the ******** out too...until I did a lot of personal growth and development and had several breakthroughs in my own life.

Now, I'm one of the rare "dudes" on the other side of the equation -- I will tell a woman straight-up "I really want to see you" or something similar -- A friend of mine said "aren't you afraid you'll scare them off" and I was like "Nope -- because my woman will feel the same way, and it will draw her to me, not repel her."

Stay strong, stay steady, and be true to yourself. You win either way -- if they aren't prepared for that type of interaction, they leave, saving you valuable time and heartache. And if they stay, they are further drawn to your honesty, your vulnerability and your intimacy. It's sexy as hell when someone is vulnerable -- to someone that is ready to receive that.

I truly appreciate the insight and feedback, JonnyR , especially coming from a guy. I've been fortunate enough in recent months to come across a few "rare dudes" who are mature enough and genuinely good people who would never do something like that (or have grown out of that type of behavior). I'm not in the market to be in any kind of relationship right now but having them in my life as solid friends has created a really cool and unexpected dynamic where we can share "war stories" and be supportive of one another. Imagine that, maturity, friendship and respect...what a concept! Haha.

[atskitty2]

Vanessa R. When I met the guy I've been dating, I actually asked him about his ghosting history the first time we met. He didn't really even know what it meant, and after I explained, he said he'd never done it. I didn't really believe him, so I pushed for more information. It lead into a discussion about our dating histories, and I learned a lot about him through that conversation. It showed me how mature he is, which I didn't expect since he's a bit younger than me.

I think it's maturity, just generally respecting another person and understanding that social expectations are sometimes really ok, and good. So, it is good to come across the ones who have grown beyond the disregard for someone's time and feelings, and have the emotional and mental capacity to handle any potential fallout from doing the right thing. lol

[Vanessa R.]

Vanessa R. When I met the guy I've been dating, I actually asked him about his ghosting history the first time we met. He didn't really even know what it meant, and after I explained, he said he'd never done it. I didn't really believe him, so I pushed for more information. It lead into a discussion about our dating histories, and I learned a lot about him through that conversation. It showed me how mature he is, which I didn't expect since he's a bit younger than me.

I think it's maturity, just generally respecting another person and understanding that social expectations are sometimes really ok, and good. So, it is good to come across the ones who have grown beyond the disregard for someone's time and feelings, and have the emotional and mental capacity to handle any potential fallout from doing the right thing. lol

Good on you for broaching the subject in the beginning and whether he knew what ghosting was or not, it led to a meaningful conversation that perfectly segues into relationships in general and talking about dating histories in a way that doesn't feel overwhelming. Definitely agree on all your points and I'm sure the approach you took early on has led to being in a great place with the guy you're currently dating now. I think that's wonderful! :-)