I completely blind-sided the man by breaking up with him last weekend.
I've known for awhile that he had an aversion to ever moving in with someone again, after living with 2 previous girlfriends and having it go very badly. We had a serious talk awhile back, in which I told him that I could not live in a state of perpetual dating, and that I want to live with someone again, although marriage is not a preference for me. He said he wouldn't rule it out, but it would be hard for him to ever try it again. He said it wasn't me, it was a decision he had reached after the last breakup.
I sort of feel this preference should have been mentioned after a couple months of dating, if not before. I found out after we'd dated quite awhile.
So, we have had an amazing relationship for nearly 4 years now. I graduated recently with my second degree, at age 50, and we took an amazing vacation together. I am starting a whole new chapter of life after a crazy few years. I realized the past few weeks, that he was not moving with me in the direction of merging our lives, and I knew I had to end it.
As I suspected he would, when I told him I couldn't do this any more, he said we can absolutely move in, if that's what I want to do. I told him that I don't want it if it's not what he wants equally, and not just an effort to keep me in his life. He assured me that in the past year, he's been moving in this direction, and felt that in me he'd found his life partner, and he's 100% invested in making this work. He was completely shocked, and I think crushed when I said I was done.
I told him it's very hard to believe that when the statement is made as I'm leaving him. He asked me how I could doubt his commitment to me. I said I didn't doubt that at all - I've known all along how deeply we care, and are committed to each other, but that doesn't mean the relationship goals are the same, and that's where it ends. I told him I cannot continue to invest my time and life into something that will never be what I want it to be.
Am I gonna be 65, retired and he's still picking me up for a dinner date? lol
That's just not what I want.
I told him I just want something different for myself. There's nothing wrong with what he wants either, but they don't coincide and there's no compromise here that's workable. I told him a year ago that my vision for us, since we both like our own space, is to move in, have separate bedrooms, and separate spaces for us to have our own time. We are both independent and we tend to need a lot of time to ourselves. I thought I'd found that compromise...
I'm finding this breakup to be hard because there really was very little wrong with us as a couple. We are very compatible and work so well.
Have you experienced a break-up like this? It's a breakup of practical purposes.
How did you stick to the rational side and focus on the fact of it, and forget the overwhelming loss you feel? Currently I just keep reminding myself of the future.
Logically, I get it and I'm ok with my decision. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. He's an amazing man, having all the qualities I'm looking for, and then some.
My girlfriends tell me that maybe we can talk it through and find some way to make it work. They thought we were solid and would go the distance, and were shocked when I told them I'm ending it. I can't imagine what he could say that would convince me he genuinely wants the same thing at this point-if we ever actually do talk about it. Part of me thinks he may realize how right I am, and not even try to talk to me about it. He's not the kind to beg, or try to change my mind really, but I expect at some point he'll ask to talk, speak his peace and have the closure that didn't really happen in the 10 minute talk the day I ended it.
I've known for awhile that he had an aversion to ever moving in with someone again, after living with 2 previous girlfriends and having it go very badly. We had a serious talk awhile back, in which I told him that I could not live in a state of perpetual dating, and that I want to live with someone again, although marriage is not a preference for me. He said he wouldn't rule it out, but it would be hard for him to ever try it again. He said it wasn't me, it was a decision he had reached after the last breakup.
I sort of feel this preference should have been mentioned after a couple months of dating, if not before. I found out after we'd dated quite awhile.
So, we have had an amazing relationship for nearly 4 years now. I graduated recently with my second degree, at age 50, and we took an amazing vacation together. I am starting a whole new chapter of life after a crazy few years. I realized the past few weeks, that he was not moving with me in the direction of merging our lives, and I knew I had to end it.
As I suspected he would, when I told him I couldn't do this any more, he said we can absolutely move in, if that's what I want to do. I told him that I don't want it if it's not what he wants equally, and not just an effort to keep me in his life. He assured me that in the past year, he's been moving in this direction, and felt that in me he'd found his life partner, and he's 100% invested in making this work. He was completely shocked, and I think crushed when I said I was done.
I told him it's very hard to believe that when the statement is made as I'm leaving him. He asked me how I could doubt his commitment to me. I said I didn't doubt that at all - I've known all along how deeply we care, and are committed to each other, but that doesn't mean the relationship goals are the same, and that's where it ends. I told him I cannot continue to invest my time and life into something that will never be what I want it to be.
Am I gonna be 65, retired and he's still picking me up for a dinner date? lol
That's just not what I want.
I told him I just want something different for myself. There's nothing wrong with what he wants either, but they don't coincide and there's no compromise here that's workable. I told him a year ago that my vision for us, since we both like our own space, is to move in, have separate bedrooms, and separate spaces for us to have our own time. We are both independent and we tend to need a lot of time to ourselves. I thought I'd found that compromise...
I'm finding this breakup to be hard because there really was very little wrong with us as a couple. We are very compatible and work so well.
Have you experienced a break-up like this? It's a breakup of practical purposes.
How did you stick to the rational side and focus on the fact of it, and forget the overwhelming loss you feel? Currently I just keep reminding myself of the future.
Logically, I get it and I'm ok with my decision. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. He's an amazing man, having all the qualities I'm looking for, and then some.
My girlfriends tell me that maybe we can talk it through and find some way to make it work. They thought we were solid and would go the distance, and were shocked when I told them I'm ending it. I can't imagine what he could say that would convince me he genuinely wants the same thing at this point-if we ever actually do talk about it. Part of me thinks he may realize how right I am, and not even try to talk to me about it. He's not the kind to beg, or try to change my mind really, but I expect at some point he'll ask to talk, speak his peace and have the closure that didn't really happen in the 10 minute talk the day I ended it.
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