[Candycornx]

A guy who I've been friends with benefits for eight months recently let his friend of 10 years and her kid move in with him. He said there is nothing going on between them. He told me he's trying to help her because she's having a difficult time. He told me she doesn't have a license or a car. I told him that he likes her enough to let her move in with him. So maybe he should just be with her and he said he doesn't want to. I also asked her if they were in a relationship and she said they aren't together.

Then he was complaining about the living situation with her. The last time I saw him she texted him and he rolled his eyes. Saying that she was going off on him about eating some of her food. And that one minute they are ok and then the next she flips on him. He said he shouldn't have to feel stressed about living his in own house. And that everyone he asked about letting her move in with him told him not to do it.

I just don't want to have sex with him if he's in a relationship with her. And I told him I did not want to come in between them if they were together. And this is when he said they weren't together.

But does this really sound believable? I have always been told that men and women can't only be friends. Because one person usually tries to be with the other person. And every time I've ever tried to be just friends with a guy (unless he was gay) he always hit on me or wanted sex.

[jns]

A guy who I've been friends with benefits for eight months recently let his friend of 10 years and her kid move in with him. He said there is nothing going on between them. He told me he's trying to help her because she's having a difficult time. He told me she doesn't have a license or a car. I told him that he likes her enough to let her move in with him. So maybe he should just be with her and he said he doesn't want to. I also asked her if they were in a relationship and she said they aren't together.

Then he was complaining about the living situation with her. The last time I saw him she texted him and he rolled his eyes. Saying that she was going off on him about eating some of her food. And that one minute they are ok and then the next she flips on him. He said he shouldn't have to feel stressed about living his in own house. And that everyone he asked about letting her move in with him told him not to do it.

I just don't want to have sex with him if he's in a relationship with her. And I told him I did not want to come in between them if they were together. And this is when he said they weren't together.

But does this really sound believable? I have always been told that men and women can't only be friends. Because one person usually tries to be with the other person. And every time I've ever tried to be just friends with a guy (unless he was gay) he always hit on me or wanted sex.

Welcome to WH Interactive Forums.

Actually men and women can only be friends. It doesn't happen all of the time or even most of the time but it happens some of the time. I have a friend who I have been backstopping since Covid-19 hit. She does her best but runs short some months. No sex. No hints of sex. The friendship is not based on that. If I didn't backstop her, we would still be friends but things would be much rougher for her and her three kids. I'm not letting that happen. Of course, the government giving back some of the money I paid in taxes helped.

In your situation, she living with your friends with benefits partner complicates things. Who takes out the trash? Who cleans the house? Are meals eaten together and if they are, who makes them and cleans up after them? With her running hot and cold, it sounds like a married couple and we know that not all married couples have sex. I'm not saying to believe him but I am also not saying to disbelieve him. It doesn't sound like they are in a relationship from what you said but that doesn't give a clue on whether they are having sex. It is possible that the going off on him about the eating of her food is related to her being somewhat sure of her place in the household. That could be because of sex or it could be not because of sex but because he is a good guy that lets himself be taken advantage of. If I was him and single, I may have let her live there without paying rent or having sex but I would have had a list of chores to do in lieu of rent.

[Alison H.]

As jns pointed out, men and women can be just friends. Although the odds are probably fairly good that at some point, one person might want or at least contemplate more than that, both have to be willing to engage for it to actually happen.

I’ve had longtime friendships with men that never went any farther than that. Whether they "all" wanted sex or not, I’ll never know for sure, but they were folks I had zero interest in having sex or a relationship with. (And a lack of flirtation on their part… that leads me to believe the feeling was mutual.) At the same time, I also had male friends who did want more.

So I don’t know if he’s necessarily lying about the situation, or isn’t.

From what you describe, it sounds like plenty of folks warned him not to let her move in (possibly knowing she’d be difficult to live with) and he seems genuinely annoyed with her now that she’s there.

But too, she has a kid. Allowing her to move in might have been more about giving the kid a place to stay, more than her. Depending on what her options were at the time, or if she had any, his decision might have factored that in pretty heavily. Kids need stability; if they were about to be homeless or had nowhere to go…

It’s really hard to say for sure whether he’s lying or not.

[MrMr]

It sounds complicated but unless you have information that suggests otherwise then you should belive what he says. Have you had sex whilst she's been there?

[Wednesday L.F.]

Does she have her own bedroom, or one that she shares with the child? If not, that's a red flag. Does she treat you rudely or as if you're intruding? If so, that's a red flag as well.

But yes, it's perfectly possible for men and women to cohabitate without sex. I shared a house with a bunch of dudes when I was in my 20s, and there was no sex with any of the roommates.

The question you might think about is whether you think this is the only thing he's lying about. If he's not in the habit of spewing untruths, it might make sense to take him at his word.

[atskitty2]

Welcome to WHI Candycornx!

I'll say again what others have said - Men and women can be just friends. I have had many male friends over the years. Yes, I found out later that some of those were friendships that stemmed from their crushes on me, but over the years, we were more like brother/sister. So, men and women can not only be friends, but they can be very close friends that become more like family. I grew close to their girlfriends and eventually their wives, etc, and it was never an issue. We all did things together. So, it happens.

What really strikes me here is what you share about the friend. She has a child, is going through some tough times, no car, and is for sake of argument, homeless if she had to move in with him. Is he charging her rent? Is she able to hold a job? My point is, she is not an independently functioning adult. My guess is something along the lines of what Alison mentioned, in that he felt sorry for her, wanted to help prevent a homeless child situation, after seeing her struggles, and now he's paying the price for it. Seems she's behaving as being ungrateful for his hospitality and generosity and he's understanding now what others knew and understood about her, and why they recommended he not invite her in.

So, whether there's sex involved or not, it's difficult to say. Based on all this, I'd be inclined to believe what he's said, at least for now. Having said that, if you are uncomfortable with the situation, you are under no obligation to continue the sexual relationship. Are you having feelings for him beyond the sexual relationship? Is this playing into your concern at all?

[Candycornx]

He told me she assaulted him and that she's no longer living with him.

[jns]

He told me she assaulted him and that she's no longer living with him.

Good, that problem is solved. Do you still have doubts about him and his intentions?