[Shadeeee]

OK so here is the situation, me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 4 years now and this is our first relationship for both of us, however he refuses to have sex with me. We've already done the preliminaries for him.


He doesn't want to touch me. He is not at all religious, he has no traumas. He is not against doing sexual activities. He just doesn't want to touch me and refuses to have sex.



I've already tried to talk about it with him. His answer is simple. He has a mental block that prevents him from having sex with me or touching me.



I admit that I have already thought about the fact that he is potentially gay, it annoyed him and he took it very badly.



Honestly I don't know what to think about it, is it me focusing on it and in the end he just needs more time or there's something wrong. I would like your opinion on the situation.



Thank you for taking the time to read me. Good day to you ?

[Wednesday L.F.]

Hi and welcome!

This sounds both difficult and frustrating. I don't think we have enough information to draw any conclusions, except to say that some counseling for one or both of you would probably be helpful.

Is it possible that he has performance anxiety? Or that he just isn't sure what to do? Do you watch porn together? Are you physically intimate in other ways? If he's really not touching you at all (no kissing, hand holding, etc) you might want to ask whether he wants to be in a romantic relationship at all, or if he simply wants to be good friends.

My marriage went through a long, dry patch that lasted so long I also asked my husband if he was getting bored of women altogether. Your partner getting angry at you asking this may be telling. Someone confident in their sexuality wouldn't be angry about being asked about it in a non-judgemental way.

If your partner refuses to discuss this, you may need to reassess your relationship on the whole. When you approach him, try to put the focus on you and your needs not being met--as opposed to maybe suggesting he's in the wrong for not wanting physical things.

Please come back and keep us posted. I really hope you can figure this out with your partner.

[jns]

OK so here is the situation, me and my boyfriend have been dating for over 4 years now and this is our first relationship for both of us, however he refuses to have sex with me. We've already done the preliminaries for him.

He doesn't want to touch me. He is not at all religious, he has no traumas. He is not against doing sexual activities. He just doesn't want to touch me and refuses to have sex.

I've already tried to talk about it with him. His answer is simple. He has a mental block that prevents him from having sex with me or touching me.

I admit that I have already thought about the fact that he is potentially gay, it annoyed him and he took it very badly.

Honestly I don't know what to think about it, is it me focusing on it and in the end he just needs more time or there's something wrong. I would like your opinion on the situation.

Thank you for taking the time to read me. Good day to you ?

Hi Shadeeee, welcome to WH Interactive Forums. With this being the first relationship for both of you, I am curious about your ages. When I was in high school and even in college, I would have had to think about having sex with a lover because I didn't have the resources to take care of a family. That was part of my upbringing and it stuck solidly. Does he have something like that in his background? I have always wondered about if I had had a girlfriend that was insistent on having sex, how I would have responded.

[MrMr]

You need to find exactly why he doesn't want to touch you and then make a decision based on his answer.

[atskitty2]

Hello Shadeeee! Welcome in! So glad you joined us here, and I hope you'll be back to comment and update.

I have a lot of questions about your situation including those that jns and Wednesday already touched on. I think if you've stayed for 4 years, there must be something keeping you in the relationship, so I'm very interested in what intimacy you do share? And no, I don't think this is about time, and that you need to keep waiting. This is something that needs to be discussed and resolved in some way so that you can move forward. 4 years is a long time to wait, and typically, sex is progressive. In other words, we tend to start with hand-holding, then kissing and move through the steps of physical closeness until intercourse. The speed at which we move through those steps can be very fast, or very slow. You two have not taken step 1, apparently.
This could be significant, or not, depending on ages, as jns points out. If you have been together 4 years, and you're just 16, that's very different than if the 2 of you are in your 30s, for example.

Some additional comments: You say that you've already done the "preliminaries for him", and I wonder what exactly that means? It sounds like you are satisfying him, yet he's not reciprocating? Is that accurate? If that's the case, I would have to wonder how much selfishness is underlying whatever else is going on here. And if that's the case, that doesn't indicate a really successful end to this problem, and that alone would send me packing. Selfishness in sexual matters does not work.

What is this mental block? You really will have to dig in on that and find out what that is for him. It could be he's gay, it could be he's asexual, or it could be something more personal about you that he's unwilling to share. How is your relationship over all in every other way? Do you communicate well and have a closeness in your relationship that resembles more a friendship, or is it one of 2 partners, together a long time, that know and understand each other on a deeper level than just friends? Do you live together? How often do you see each other, and what types of activities do you enjoy together?

Bottom line is, simply put, as MrMr said: you have to get to the bottom of why this is happening. We can help you navigate and encourage you along the way through this, and I hope you return to share what's developed over the past week.