[jcbmv11]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now. The relationship has had it's ups and downs, but most recently, we could not get out of a pattern of arguing. I felt it was time to break up. It was not mutual in the sense that she sees me as her long term partner. Low and behold, about a week later, I get the call that she is pregnant. She must have become pregnant the very last time we had sex.

Now I am faced with probably the biggest decision of my life. I am wondering what you think. She's willing to go with my decision. In my mind, there's basically two options:
Option 1: Marry her for life, have the baby, and try to work on the relationship
Option 2: Abort it, breakup with her, and move on

Pros
- I've always wanted to be a dad
- I'm 31 and not getting any younger
- The dating scene is horrendous...can I really find anyone better?
- She is very attractive to me
- Her family is nice
- She would be a good mother
- She has a good career
- People never seem to regret having their son/daughter

My girlfriend is easy to be around and enjoys doing most of the activities I like to do. She is very committed and loyal and would never leave me or cheat on me. She doesn't have any serious drinking, drug, or mental problems. I do love her, but she stresses me out and makes me actually angry all the time.

Cons
- We can't seem to go more than a whole day without arguing
- I'm worried that having a baby before marriage will hurt my reputation
- We can always try again for a baby later
- Abortion is tough emotionally

The simplest way to describe her problems as a partner is by saying that: she is like dating a teenage girl who never grew up; she lacks maturity and communication skills. My girlfriend has very little emotional regulation; if she is feeling a negative emotion, she makes everyone around her aware. For example, if she doesn't want to watch a TV show I picked, she just keeps complaining about it rather than propose any new solutions. She tends to get bothered by little things and complain about them versus just taking the initiative to fix it (e.g. crumbs in the bed). She has trouble accepting accountability and immediately turns the blame back around on me for things she has done wrong. e.g. I only did that because you did this. She suffers from insecurity issues because she still lives at home, so she compensates by not being vulnerable. She comes across selfish and doesn't seem to care much about other people. She is hypocritical and even sometimes lies or exaggerates the truth to serve her argument. She often replies with a rude or confrontational response versus a polite response when asked questions. Will she every grow up?

My gut is telling me to have the baby, but my head is telling me not to. I do not want to end in divorce.

[jns]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for about 2 years now. The relationship has had it's ups and downs, but most recently, we could not get out of a pattern of arguing. I felt it was time to break up. It was not mutual in the sense that she sees me as her long term partner. Low and behold, about a week later, I get the call that she is pregnant. She must have become pregnant the very last time we had sex.

Now I am faced with probably the biggest decision of my life. I am wondering what you think. She's willing to go with my decision. In my mind, there's basically two options:
Option 1: Marry her for life, have the baby, and try to work on the relationship
Option 2: Abort it, breakup with her, and move on

Pros
- I've always wanted to be a dad
- I'm 31 and not getting any younger
- The dating scene is horrendous...can I really find anyone better?
- She is very attractive to me
- Her family is nice
- She would be a good mother
- She has a good career
- People never seem to regret having their son/daughter

My girlfriend is easy to be around and enjoys doing most of the activities I like to do. She is very committed and loyal and would never leave me or cheat on me. She doesn't have any serious drinking, drug, or mental problems. I do love her, but she stresses me out and makes me actually angry all the time.

Cons
- We can't seem to go more than a whole day without arguing
- I'm worried that having a baby before marriage will hurt my reputation
- We can always try again for a baby later
- Abortion is tough emotionally

The simplest way to describe her problems as a partner is by saying that: she is like dating a teenage girl who never grew up; she lacks maturity and communication skills. My girlfriend has very little emotional regulation; if she is feeling a negative emotion, she makes everyone around her aware. For example, if she doesn't want to watch a TV show I picked, she just keeps complaining about it rather than propose any new solutions. She tends to get bothered by little things and complain about them versus just taking the initiative to fix it (e.g. crumbs in the bed). She has trouble accepting accountability and immediately turns the blame back around on me for things she has done wrong. e.g. I only did that because you did this. She suffers from insecurity issues because she still lives at home, so she compensates by not being vulnerable. She comes across selfish and doesn't seem to care much about other people. She is hypocritical and even sometimes lies or exaggerates the truth to serve her argument. She often replies with a rude or confrontational response versus a polite response when asked questions. Will she every grow up?

My gut is telling me to have the baby, but my head is telling me not to. I do not want to end in divorce.

I would say to work on what is triggering each of you to argue in the first place. If you two can't do it by frank conversations with each other, try to get a counsellor to help you work it out. Marriage may be good but it is not as necessary as it once was. Some couples actually seem to be able to get along better by not being married and always having to perform up to a certain level. You put your feelings in your post. What are her feelings about having a baby? She is the one who has the most control over actually having the baby or not. What were your conversations about her getting pregnant before she actually became pregnant?

[Wednesday L.F.]

But…those aren’t the only two options. It seems clear that you aren’t in love with this woman. That doesn’t have to preclude you from coparenting, but I strongly suggest not faking your way through promises and vows you don’t feel sure about. Children learn about love and families by watching their parents.

That said, plenty of people regret having children. They’re more work than moving and grad school put together. Before you commit to being a parent for the next few decades, you’ll want to decide if this is really what you want. I’m told having a baby can be simulated by setting your alarm to go off every two hours, pinching your nipples until they’re sore, and getting unsolicited advice from everyone you encounter. ?

[Alison H.]

I’m a mom of two, both grown. I’m also fiercely pro-choice, so take my thoughts with the appropriate grain of salt.

I think you may have answered your own question when you described your problems with her as a partner. Don’t consider what other people might think about your situation: think of yours, and the potential life of the child.

Ask yourself this honestly: Do you see yourself as being able to raise a child with this woman, and do you see that child having a good life with the two of you together as parents? Could you see yourself marrying her otherwise, if the pregnancy had not occurred?

If your answer to one or all of those is “No,” then it might be smart to discuss options: abortion, adoption, open adoption, or even a family member (if there is one trying to have a child unsuccessfully). I know a couple who had been trying for years to have a child, and eventually adopted their son after being chosen by the mom before she gave birth—there are programs/lists for this, if raising the child is not an option for your girlfriend.

Look, not everyone is meant to be a parent and although I know nothing about your partner aside from what you described, she does not sound like she’s especially capable of becoming a mother at this stage in her life.

I know in your “Pros” list you mention that people never seem to regret having their son/daughter, but… I don’t think that’s necessarily true for everyone.

What Wednesday said about children learning about love and families by watching their parents is 1000% true. They sometimes also learn what NOT to do, when they’re raised in situations that are less than ideal.