[JonnyR]

Acesup One thought that keeps coming back to me. Every time you talk about divorce, you immediately jump to whether another woman would want you, whether you’d have enough money to date, whether you’d ever get married again.

I wonder if you’re looking too far ahead.

If your marriage did end, maybe the goal isn’t to replace it as quickly as possible. Maybe the goal is to rediscover yourself for a while. Figure out who you are when you’re not spending every ounce of emotional energy trying to convince someone to meet you halfway.

You spent years putting your wife, your kids, your work, and your marriage ahead of yourself. I could imagine there being something incredibly healing about having some fun again, traveling when you can, reconnecting with friends, taking on a new challenge, flirting without wondering where it’s going, and remembering what it feels like to simply enjoy someone’s company.

Ironically, people often become much more attractive when they’re no longer desperately searching for the next relationship. They’re living a life that feels full on its own, and relationships grow naturally out of that.

So I’ll leave you with a question. If you somehow knew that another marriage wasn’t in your future, what kind of life would you want to build anyway? What parts of yourself have been sitting on the shelf for the last ten years that you’d finally want to reclaim?

[Acesup]

Yeah I think its my age and just the reality of the time left that has me in such a rush. I am 50 now. I know it will be at least another year before I can afford to get divorced and then probably another six months to a year (and that is being very optimistic) to actually get through the process of getting divorced, move to a new place and start my life over and actually be in a position where I could date anybody. So I am looking at being 52 minimum before I could even start the process of starting over. And its not like I'm going to find the right woman first shot right out of the gate. I am pretty screwed up from this failed marriage and I know I will probably need a period of healing and hopefully the ability to make very bad decisions with women without the intention of ending up in a relationship or marriage for a few months just to get my self confidence back and find myself again. And lets be honest if I haven't gotten to go down on a woman and give a woman a massage in years I am probably rusty and not very good at it right now. I used to be, but it has been a while. I need to literally get some practice and get my mojo back so when and if I can find the right woman she doesn't see me as a project she has to teach or as a disappointment. So I am probably realistically looking at being 55 or older before I would have any real chance of finding a solid committed relationship and being what she needs and maybe getting married. It is not even the married I care about so much. Just having that solid committed passionate loving relationship in every way including sexually with that one woman who I am enough for and who I can make happy. That is what I want whether it has a ring and a marriage license involved or not. But I feel like I'm going to be bordering on too old to find that and even if I do so old by the time I start that by the time I find the woman who will want me physically and sexually and who will let me do what it takes to satisfy her and be satisfied by me giving 110 percent effort in every way I'll be told to give her what she deserves sexually and it truly will be my fault when I fail then.

That is the fear, this marriage where I got lied to and conned into thinking she wanted a relationship and wanted me sexually when she just wanted to use somebody to have kids has taken from me the years in my prime when I could have been so much for the right woman and now I don't have the time left and am too old to be what the right woman deserves.

So I don't feel like I have the time to find myself and put myself back together. I am in too much danger of becoming too old and just dying alone because of circumstances and bad luck. Hell its hard enough to find the right person in your prime. What wants a broke old man with two kids.

[JonnyR]

Acesup, I actually think you’re putting far more pressure on your future than your future is putting on you.

Fifty isn’t the end of the story. There are plenty of people who find deeply fulfilling relationships in their 50s, 60s, and beyond. What matters much more is whether they’ve done the work to heal and know themselves before bringing someone else into their life.

One thing I would encourage you to be careful about is treating healing as just another obstacle to rush through. You mentioned “getting practice” and finding your mojo again, but I suspect what you’ll be rebuilding isn’t your technique. It’ll be your confidence, your sense of peace, and rediscovering who you are outside of a marriage that’s consumed so much of your emotional energy.

The irony is that those qualities are often far more attractive than whether someone owns a house or has a bigger retirement account.

Plus, won't it be fun to explore this "season" of your life without worrying about rushing or getting into a new relationship? Most folks who are divorced do NOT want to enter into a new relationship or marriage soon, if ever.

So just get the f-out and be at peace! No pressure, no distractions, no beating yourself up, just have a little fun.

I mean, really, if you woke up tomorrow knowing, with absolute certainty, that you would eventually meet someone who loved you deeply, would you still feel the need to race toward that future? Or would you give yourself permission to enjoy the journey of becoming the happiest, healthiest version of yourself first?