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Long and complicated!

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  • Long and complicated!

    Alright! I'm 20 years old and had a wonderful relationship for 6 years. We were both very happy until I said I was leaving to go to school. He was sad that I was leaving, but he insisted we could do it even though he seemed hurt. He has always had everyone in his life leave him so I felt bad, but he seemed ok with it.

    Then he ended up cheating when I was away with one of his students. We went through the whole "I want both of you" bit and I said no. He was so hurt he said he never wanted to talk to me or see me again, but kept phoning me and trying to be friendly with me. We've started talking again, but he seems to have two sides to him. One side loves and cares about me and thinks what he did was wrong. The other side acts and says everything he did was ok morally and professionally and I cannot deal with this side.

    He is still involved with his student (she isn't his student anymore though), but she does not want to be with him. He acts like he wants to be with me, but says he doesn't because he doesn't want to hurt me or his student. He thinks he hurt me a lot in our relationship, but he didn't. I know I hurt him somehow, but he insists he doesn't know how. He said he is not over a lot of stuff in our relationship and he is very messed up right now. I've asked him to go to a counsellor, but he refuses to go no matter what I say. He knows he needs help, but he only feels comfortable enough with me to talk about things....yet he won't listen to what I have to say! I don't have time to help him get better and he knows it.

    I would like to get back together with him, but I can't consider it unless he gets over what he's done like he said he wanted to. I knew something like this was going to happen when I had to leave, but I didn't think it would destroy him so much. He never knows why he feels or thinks things so it has been very hard. He is always changing his mind with everything...one second he thinks what he did was wrong and he feels bad, the next he doesn't care if it was, it felt ok and he wanted to do it.

    Any advice on how to get him to go to a counsellor or how to help him?
    Or how to help myself or our relationship?

  • At a guess, 6 years and your 20, he is your only love and maybe you are his?

    But, being a male, and the distant relationship, he has felt typical of a male that being wanting to experience and experiement with other females which is not abnormal in youth. Even though a lot of guys are madly in love and wouldn't dream of it we are in a different world today.

    Could it be that guilt is why he says it was wrong, then the man in him ( as he is changing from past teenager to 20's adult) wants to explore ? As to why he is saying it wasn't wrong.

    Does he need councelling? Or do you both need to take time out and smell the roses of youth a bit with the attitude of " If you love someone set them free if they come back to you, they're yours if they don't they never were"...

    It just may be that as he is in a grown up world of being a teacher that he still loves you but is heading in a more adult lifestyle and is confused of what he really wants more so.

    Perhaps offer an open relationship, even if you don't want to do anything yourself, let him sow his oats so to speak and realise that it's not everything after all, love is more than sex and then feel more content to continue his relationship with you one on one exclusively..



    • I think you're too young to take it seriously girl,there's so many opportunities out there.You have to weigh things like:

      1. Is it for keeps?
      2. can you trust him again?
      3. is he worth all the heart aches?

      I went thought that..i survived..i enrolled to a film school,be w/people.
      Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 08-05-2008, 09:16 PM. Reason: outbound links not allowed


      • their right...

        I was in a similar situation, and breaking up was probably one of the best things that ever happened. Not only did i love my college years but coming out of it I met a man who loves me for me and is amazing in his own way. I look back now and it was worth everything I had gone through.

        Truth is, if you think he's going to change his not. 6 years is a long time but you were what 14? That can merely be puppy love. You deserve a man who is going to respect you and love you regardless of the distance. You need to find your own self worth and always think of yourself first. Is it selfish? Not exactly, because you honey is all you're going to have sometimes. Best of Luck !
        The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary


        • Yeah I agree with the others. He is a boy in a man's body he wants the security of what you guys had for 6 years but he wants to explore life and a new adult lifestyle that he will grow into. If you guys were 14 you were there for each other thru tough years and the drama of high school and what not. You guys can remain in contact but if as adults you guys are not on the same path don't force it. Cherish the time that you spent with each other and the good times. We all need space to grow and learn about ourselves.

          good luck


          • I have a feeling they are not both 20.

            how old is he? because I don't know too many 20 yr old teachers that teach students old enough to be sexually active.. this is all a bit fishy to me. you were 14 and he was what.... 20? now he is 26? Something like that right? A teaching degree takes 2 years?and that's usually after you are in college awhile and you decide you like academics enough to teach. and then you don't start out teaching highschool. what's going on here???

            I have a feeling if he is older this wasn't the only time he cheated on you and getting out of the relationship would be a very good idea so you can grow and develop yourself.

            Not to mention if he is that much older and dating a 14 yr old at the start... umm somethings wrong.

            Sorry to assume but can't see it otherwise.


            • Originally posted by lizardgirl1020 View Post
              I know I hurt him somehow, but he insists he doesn't know how.


              I knew something like this was going to happen when I had to leave, but I didn't think it would destroy him so much.
              What? Unless you're omitting some serious details I can't see any way you hurt this man. He's the one who cheated and then jerked you around along with the other girl unable to decide what he wanted. That's completely unacceptable behaviour and if you keep standing by him, telling him "it's ok honey" while he doesn't even try to work through his manipulative bullsh**t behaviour, you are sending him the WRONG message. If he won't get himself into counseling then you just need to detach yourself and move on. You're not his mother or his therapist. And I assume this guy is WAY older than 20 to be at the age where he can be having affairs with students, so this kind of stuff is just really unacceptable from someone who's supposed to be older and more mature.

              Find yourself a guy closer to your age. I assure you, there are some out there that are more mature than this guy!
              Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.



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