[rosalee]

hi.my bf and i have been together 2 and half years,im 30 he's almost 29.things arent what they used to be,let's just say that the honey moon stage is over.
now there was a time for over year year that i thought that he might have been cheating (no sex that whole time,bad attitude) but Im willing to believe that i was reading into things,because deep down,i really do believe he has been faithful but my insecurities were creeping in.

we have been talking about marriage for some time down the road because i truely believe with all my heart that he is meant for me.

now lately he has not wanted to see me,become nasty,and made me feel like a huge inconvience in his life.

he said i was smothering him ( i know its a relationship killer) but because of my suspicion,i felt that i needed to cling on to whatever i could and that was through constantly calling him.

i have really let up on that for the past 8 days,started doing things that i loved before i met him and seeing friends again.

now...i finally saw him last night after 7 days and it was a bit awkward...but when i almost fell asleep at his place at 1:30 am he was like "want me to take you home now". i was upset cuz i havent slept over in at least a month and having no sex plus no "cuddling time" is killing me inside.

so when he dropped me off at my home i asked him what was wrong, typically, he said "nothing" but i couldnt accept that answer anymore. i was telling him how much he hurts me inside and how he has become unreliable and how im devastated cuz i thought we were gonna get married but now i feel completely disconnected to him.

well ( and my bf does not open up at all) he completely broke down in the truck,couldnt stop crying. i was almost in shock. he told me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me and how he wants to marry me BUT (there's always a but)...that he doesnt know what he wants in life and that included me. that he needs his space. that he feels he cant make me happy and i'm too good for him?? that's he's unhappy and doest know why ( he is depressed) that he doesnt know how long this will take (not seeing each other but talking on the phone is okay,like once a day). he seemed genuine as he was balling his eyes out.

now...i,being the internet junkie that i am,go on websites about men needing space and how some men are scared to break up so they do it slowly with the same excuse. which terrifies me!

how much space do i give? a month? two? I dont want to be played for a fool either.
i love him but im worried that he will have the "Out of sight,out of mind" idea.

i want to be an understaning girfriend but im scared.

has anyone gone through this and it really was just some needed space,as i dont want to date anyone else, but stay with you and get my life in order and be happy again.

thank you

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Not to sound horrid at all...

rosalee
let's just say that the honey moon stage is over.

but because of my suspicion,i felt that i needed to cling on to whatever i could

...but when i almost fell asleep at his place at 1:30 am he was like "want me to take you home now"

that he doesnt know what he wants in life and that included me. that he needs his space

that he doesnt know how long this will take (not seeing each other but talking on the phone is okay,like once a day).

he told me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me and how he wants to marry me BUT (there's always a but)...that he doesnt know what he wants in life and that included me.

He may really not be ready for any "commitment" in general, but

rosalee
for over year year that i thought that he might have been cheating (no sex that whole time,bad attitude)

If your man your with who you think you should "marry" hasn't, doesn't have sex with you for over a year, separates from you for 7 days and "can't do it/have intimacy", there is a real problem...

Maybe he loves you as a "person" but is not longer in love with you and you may be hanging on and just holding on and have for the past year for someone that you will never connect properly with.

Do you want to come back in 10 years time and say I'm 40 and have 2 children and in the last 10 years I only had sex 10 times, i got married all for the wrong reasons, the kids miss their daddy etc etc .

Every sentence above that he states is "it's not you it's me"....

CW

[rosalee]

hi,thanks 4 the reply.
as for as the no sex thing, i'm pretty sure it's cuz of his depression and the distance between us...he said he'd go to the dr but I know that he doesnt have health insurance and he recently lost his job so he has no money. he just has so much on his mind...im know I'm making excuses but i think that they make sense.


he assured me that he just needs space and there is no ulterior motive like " I'm too scared to tell you I dont love you anymore".

I just have to trust him.

once before he needed space for a week , and another for a whole month but this time is the first time that im concerned because he "doesnt know where his life is going ect;"

[CHANDLERS WISH]

hi,thanks 4 the reply.
as for as the no sex thing, i'm pretty sure it's cuz of his depression and the distance between us...he said he'd go to the dr but I know that he doesnt have health insurance and he recently lost his job so he has no money. he just has so much on his mind...im know I'm making excuses but i think that they make sense.

Well no your not making excuses as yo unever mentioned depression, or long-distance Depression can bring someone down where no one is important, not even themselves, as they are too much into self wollowing to be able to see the distruction.

Not sure how you can help there, if he can't afford assistance, rather than rally people including you to continue to encourage him in every direction with positive thoughts/actions.


he assured me that he just needs space and there is no ulterior motive like " I'm too scared to tell you I dont love you anymore".

I just have to trust him.

once before he needed space for a week , and another for a whole month but this time is the first time that im concerned because he "doesnt know where his life is going ect;"

He needs help, to over come things... He needs to say stuff it and look for another job, and get out of his depression.

I know that there are threads here on depression and how they are feeling and that people will answer with their opinions on how to help you, help him, so bare with them, and perhaps read those threads as well.

[rosalee]

Thank you. true, I didnt mention the depression. As far as distance, I meant emotional distance not long distance

And i do want to help him through this because I knew what he was like before his depression and know what he really has to offer...I know how bad my dad felt during his extremely long depression and how great he's been now that he's medicated.

I'm guess I'm worried that he's going to think that he's not ready to stay in this relationship, even tho I'm completely faithful and would do anything for him.

My thing is, how long do I wait to call him or to say "hey let's get lunch" or do I wait for him to come around...

[Joy]

ok so he is 29 he has lost his job and he is suffering from depression for the last year. He probably wants his space to figure out what the he is doing wrong in life and can he take on the responsiblity of a wife and future family if he can't even keep his job. I know we woman live in an independant state but men still like to be able to look after their wife and family.

I don't know how sever his depression is but he probably needs a friend that loves him more than anything at the moment. If you are going to stand by him and help him thru this remember to take care of yourself. It is easy to forget about you and your needs when someone you love is suffering like this. Make sure you are being a good example by exercising, eating right and getting enough sleep. In the end only he can make the choice to help himself get better by doing little things each day.

My bf went thru a long haul of depression and it wasn't easy and he needed a friend that loved him and was there to constantly remind him he was worth it. Only he could make the necessary lifestyle changes that needed to take place to balance out his life to make things easier for him to cope.

If you guys really want to get married he has to let you in and you have to explain to him you love him for all he is and is not. That he doesn't have to have all the answers that you guys will find them together.

I know he may want some space to reevalute his life and what directions he wants it to take and that is fine. What concerns me is depressed peopel shouldn't be left on their own to suffer from their horrible emoitons.

Good luck in finding balance.

[rosalee]

Thank you. Actually, he couldnt get ahold of me late last night and it's unusual for me to go out at night alone (I was trying to keep myself busy and not think about him too much)...anyways he got so worried that he went out searching for me....and today he hung out with me...I guess he realizes how much he cares for me.

Also, you made a good point about the independence thing because I have my own place,car and little bills so I am quite independent...so I never thought about the big deal of getting married (financially) cuz I can take care of myself,but I never thought about it from a man's perspective.
TY

[Joy]

np Rosalee

I am 100% serious about the depression. I know you saw your dad go thru it and your mom must beable to share with you that it wasn't always pretty and it is very draining.

That is why you must always remember to take care of you and recharge yourself with things that you love and make you happy. You can't be there 100% of the time and make sure his life is amazing or you will get lost in his depression. He will have to work hard to climb out of that pit.

I only say this cause i have experienced it. My BF during his depression ws so full of anger at one point and so dissatisfied with is himself and his life that he started to apply it externally instead of realizing it was an internal battle he was fighting.

Since we live together i experienced alot of his hate. I would know we were gonna have a bad day by look of hate in his eyes when he woke up. He was not happy about my independant state and that things were rolling along nice in my life he was consumed by his depression. He was negative about everything and felt threatened by everything. I did everything i could to make him feel better about himself and less threatened. I felt guilty that i felt so good about myself and everything and he felt so bad and horrible. I then went thru a period of resentment cause in the end i only depleted myself I forgot about me and the lil things i needed each day to feel good too. He was too sick to even try and make me feel good. Besides you really can't depend on others to make you feel good about yourself you either do or don't.


Please excuse me if this sounds harsh but its just some of the realities to depression that I myself didn't understand and learned the hard way. It is great that the two of you don't live together that way you have your own space to retreat to when needed.

good luck

[lostinlife]

hi ifeel abit like your bf i have been doing what he is doing to you,tomy bf i cant say he loves you or not as i dont know you but i do now what its like not to be inimate and sometimes the longer you leave it the harder it gets i think its worse than being a virigin you start to think its funny in away.i cant tell you raelly what to do tough as only you know him but give him space and you keep in touch with your friends dont smother him give him timeand maybe some eve go out the two of ye and enjoy yourselfs and who knows book a room. in the meantime you keep strong and enjoy yourself and get back in touch with yourself youll feel better and ready for whatever. best of luck

[WildChild]

You've gotten some good advice here, speaking as a "fixer" who's got a long history of sticking out, helping him out, can't leave when they are down and being sure he'll be "right" if I can just give a little more - you need to take care of you. By all means be a freind to him. But he put you on the shelf a long time ago with awareness or not. You both have issues to deal with. Don't tie yourself to someone out of need, his or yours.

Be a freind but free both of you. You encourage him to get help if he's depressed, a little counseling (having a trained, disintersted, third party to talk to) can be a very good thing, encourage him to discover what he wants. But Don't marry a man with emotional/employment problems! Being a slow learner I did it more than once and it never works - least not for you.

For yourself, you say you've got some insecurities - we all do. Well, work on them! Get out and have some fun, try some new things, work on feeling good about you. At some level we attract what we are, like it or not. So work on you to get to where you want to be and a man who is where he wants to be will want to be with you. Until you have focus and direction you won't attract anyone who does. In the meantime the current bf can be a old freind -what are you losing there? No sex, no intimacy, depression - not much to hold on to.