[mercy]

I am only 24, and i have just got married for 4 months now to my high school sweetheart (He is 30 years). In 2006 he had me pregnant together with this other woman he was cheating with. I only find out when i was pregnant. He apologied and said he is not seeing her anymore. Deep inside my heart i believe him. He chose to marry me over her, I just dont know what does that mean, does it mean it was a mistake or what. They have a child now and i had a still born. I have never seen the child and the woman and i dont wish to meet them.

I want to be a good wife to him. I have tried to leave but i think i love him more. I have even tried cheating and i find myself not connected to those people. Somehow i dont know if i will ever leave him. I want to work on this marriage.

So what i have told him is that he can support his child but he should never expect me to love the child or to invite the child to our place. He should not let me know when he sees the child and i have made a promise to myself that if i want to be happy i wont open his cellphone and e-mails, coz i use to do that before and if i find something i will start to fight him and at the sometime i dont have courage to leave him. So for me to stay and be happy i dont want to know about the other child, coz when they had an affair i did not know about it and now they have a child i should also not know about it.

At first i tried to be envolved to the child support and only to find that it hurts to know what is going on more than if i am not envolved, coz the woman makes it imposible.He does try to show me that he is sorry, but i dont want to give that other woman a chance to get to my house, coz if a agree to the child she will also start coming to my house and i might just encourage them to keep the affair.
By the way the woman is 30 years lonely desparte for marriage, i am not going to give her a chance. Somehow i want her to feel the pain she has caused me.

Pls give me an advice on how to give my husband love, in a way that he will forget about her. I want to please him and make him think about me all the time. Ohh!! i know he loves the child, which is who he is, a resposible man.

My husband is not a cheater, i hate to admit but i am to blame for his cheating. I use to tell him to take a break from our relationship when i am stressed with my vasity work, which of course i didnt mean it. And now he tells me that he thought i was cheating on him, coz i was studying far from where he stayed. Yes he is a man to keep, a man who is compable of being a good husband and a father.

[Fire(m)]

There are so many issues here. The most prominent issue is that if you really love your husband and want to be a part of his life long-term, you need to take part in his child's life.

Like I said, there are so many issues here and a lot of them sound like issues that YOU have with yourself, I believe that you would be well served to go to a Psychiatrist or a Psychologist to discuss where you stand on this relationship.

As long as he has a child, that will (and should be) the most important thing in the world to him. You will probably always rate #2 to his relationship with his child. Because of his responsibility to this child, and your reluctance to accept him or her, then you are pushing your husband away.

I don't see him as being such an ideal person. You are not to blame for his cheating. If he is devoted to you, then the distance while you were studying should not have been a problem. Instead, he was having sex with you AND another woman and wasn't responsible enough NOT to get both of you pregnant.

The fact that you don't value yourself more than you do and the fact that you consider this man, and the way he conducted himself to be honorable, even in light of the fact that he says he thought you were cheating on him, tells me loud and clear that there are major relationship issues here.

Honestly, if I were you, I would get out of the relationship and be by myself until I could get some mental help and understand more about why I have some of the profoundly self-destructive attitudes you have.

I know that you live far away from me, and I know that there are many, many cultural issues that would have you think differently from me, so please take my comments with the understanding that I really know nothing about your culture. But when I put your situation in my culture, it doesn't add up. It appears very negative.

Good luck!

[TWills32]

If you really believe you are the reason he cheated, then it's not a healthy relationship I am sorry to say. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Chances are, he will cheat again, or has/is. If my husband were to cheat on me, that'd be the end of our relationship. I love him dearly, but once that trust is gone, the relationship can't be salvaged. You need trust to make a relationship work. Love alone will not get you through it.

[Joy]

So Sorry to hear you lost your child. Its ok to be angry about the outcome of the situation but you have to deal with that anger or it will destroy you. Not being involved will only put distance between you and your husband. Just because its is hard to accept doesn't make it go away. In the long run it will fracture your life with your husband. You in your mind will live as though there is no child what child??

Your husband will have no one to share this experience with but the other woman instead of sharing this joy with you. I know you are trying to protect your feelings so you don't feel the hurt and anger but buring these feelings will only make you very bitter in the long term. The more you repress these feelings the stronger they will keep coming back until you deal with them and accept the situation how it really is not how you wish it to be.

The road to acceptance may hurt but it is a truth you must face. we are here for you