[Vapor22]

Ok this is a little weird for me to finally be admitting this but here goes....

All of my life I have been a very compassionate person, I honestly care about how people feel and it makes me feel good to make other people feel better about their own problems.
All my life I have been searching for emotional support, I have found that in a few of my close friends (who I had to leave behind when I moved 4 years ago). None of the people in my family ever wanted to talk about their feelings so they would just dismiss me or make some shallow comment whenever I would tell them about something that I was dealing with so when I found a person in my life that I could actually talk to without them judging me and didn't mind to offer their opinion I would hold on to them so tight.

ok now on with the recent story.... I moved from my hometown in 2005 with my husband (then boyfriend) He was really supportive of me for a long time, I felt like I could tell him anything and he would honestly listen to me and not judge me. Now he has grown to be cold and emotionless, when I ask him why he says that it's because when you show emotion you just get hurt easier. So now I don't talk to him about things that bother me because I know he will just dismiss them, he refuses to relate to me at all. I have grown tired of not talking about my feelings so I talk to another friend of mine, this person talks to me, relates to me, and tells me about things that are bothering them at the time. I really like just talking to this person, more than I like talking to my husband and that scares me so much. What I want to know is why am I always trying to form these emotional bonds now and what can I do to break them, please help me.

[Guest]

I Am Your Husband And I Am You !

Ok this is a little weird for me to finally be admitting this but here goes....

All of my life I have been a very compassionate person, I honestly care about how people feel and it makes me feel good to make other people feel better about their own problems.
All my life I have been searching for emotional support,.... I would hold on to them so tight.

... Now he has grown to be cold and emotionless, when I ask him why he says that it's because when you show emotion you just get hurt easier. ...

... What I want to know is why am I always trying to form these emotional bonds now and what can I do to break them, please help me.

Figuratively, not literally!

Well, first off you are HUMAN! It's just part of who we are. More for some, less for others. But it is normal. I'd be interested in what your personality type (based on Jung) is, because some types need more of that than others.

As far as you husband, there's probably some significant emotional event that has occurred in his life. either it's recent and you aren't completely aware of it, or in the past that's been triggered back into memory because he saw a set of similar circumstances or signs that have made him turn himself inward.

I understand exactly where he's coming from. I have a very very hard time letting people in "for real" and it stems from something that happened 8 years ago. About 15 months ago I started seeing many of the same signs involving someone who was only trying to be a friend and cared about me. instead of just letting them know what I was really thinking and feeling, I turned inwards and did an awful lot to sabotage our friendship. It wasn't until a flash point 2 months ago that I finally let them know what was really going on. It's been rocky, but they have been hanging in there. I wish everyday that I could have told them sooner, but sometimes things are just too scary.

Have you had a good sit down and talk with him? any indications from friends or family tat there's something more? Maybe it's not one thing and it's instead a bunch of little things that have become overwhelming.

Maybe, it's something you did or said and not even aware of it! My friend simply said "I miss you" and it completely threw my world into an emergency zone. All because of something that had happened 8 years previous and 250 miles away.

You need to try and get him to talk, to feel safe. Maybe he needs to talk with someone other than you about what is going on. There are a people here and elsewhere that have helped me getting through my crazy, maybe he needs the same and doesn't know where to find it. sometimes it's easier to confide in a complete stranger than someone you actually know. Just a thought.

As for your last statement quoted above, because you are human. why break them if they aren't causing pain?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Vapor 22
All my life I have been searching for emotional support

Vapor 22
None of the people in my family ever wanted to talk about their feelings so they would just dismiss me or make some shallow comment whenever I would tell them about something that I was dealing with

Have a look at the two quotes that you have written in your thread.

It is obvious that your parents weren't there for you in an emotional support sort of way, throughout your childhood and teenage years.

I would say that you probably wanted so many times to share something but knew that it was pointless as they would not listen anyway.

Perhaps when you fell over, your Mother would just say "get up" and not come to you and hug you.

"Tough love"... Some parents didn't get love themselves and have no idea how to show it to their own children. Some parents were bought up with tough love, to ignore means you will be stronger.

You are blood but you are different, you obviously have a lot of love to give and so want it back.

I imagine that you also "ask" alot of re-assurance from your husband and whilst he was there supporting initially, he probably can't do it anymore... Perhaps your emotional needs are on-going and a lot.

You have to ween yourself of "needing". You should be able to confide in a close friend and your husband.. But, you shouldn't have that many problems that need to be expressed either... Which means, more than likely you need for confidence in yourself.

If you were bought up without that emotional support, then you would be feeling in-secure but you need to realise that there is nothing to worry about..You need love like the next person but not "needy"..

Does any of the above make sense, ring true?

CW

[WildChild]

No1 is right things like this can really mess up a good thing, I've done it in the past and am dealing with a man who is doing it now. It takes a lot of patience and understanding, but he has to be willing to talk at some point and to take positive action to deal with it. That you are married and have had a move to deal with, which has removed you both from your support network makes it harder.

I'm going to guess that the person you have been talking and sharing with is male? If you want to get your marriage through this, that could be a problem. Male freinds can be great, but sex is a part of every attraction and therefore at some level - no matter how deep- every freindship. Watch your step with this. Make a real effort to find some female freinds - you've had 3 years since the move. Remember that if you want them to hear your stories you have to be willing to hear their's.

Sit down with your hubby in a nonthreatening, non emotional time and discuss this. Explain to him that you don't see how he can expect you to live like this, this isn't what marriage is about. Do you have any idea what triggered this reaction? Are there any old freinds you could talk to who might be able to offer some insight? Sometimes if you can pretty hit the nail in the head, name their sh*t as it were, you can get past the barrier and get someone to share. Encourage him to get counseling, if necessary insist on it. You shouldn't have to live like this and as someone who cares about him you don't want to see him live this way either.