[nc23]

There are so many things rushing through my head right now. I just need some reassurance. This may not be logical but I'm scared that because I have a crummy father and brother, I'll never be able to find a good guy. Like maybe it's not in the cards for me or I won't be able to recognize whether or not they are if I do find one. I started talking to a guy recently and so far he seems to be a good match for me, I really like him, but I have this lingering fear that it will all fall apart before it even starts. I'm only 18 but I'm scared I'll never shake the feeling. I've just never truly felt loved by a man before and I'm worried I never will. I hate admitting that but it's bothering me more tonight than it normally does. Thanks for reading

[WildChild]

You have a valid concern, what we are accustomed to, even if we don't like it, is what we can be drawn to. Just that thing of familiarity. It's comfortable in that we know how to deal with it. Being aware helps. Try getting it on paper. What don't you want? What do you want? What would be actual warning signs (as opposed to simply 'male' behavior)?

Some people are drawn to what they have been used to others completely reject it. Get some of John Grey's books, he offers some excellent insight.

[happy ending]

yes i agree you are right to be worried, but perhaps your awareness of it is a great first step. i wish i had been aware of the fact that children of alcholics often marry alcoholics when i was younger. its great you are choosing not to be a victim (for want of a better word) of your upbringing. best of luck!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well I disagree.

You are right to for sure, be cautious... it's knowledge.. You know now what you don't want.

But to allow it to eat you up and expect all to be the same?

Let me re-assure you.

Take this scenario.

My parents had it all hard, tough, alcholic Mother, War no father, death when he crossed the road, run over, second man threatening them with guns, loads of kids, two jobs, not enough love for all 5, and meantally retarded one child, no understanding, and then an abortion by knitting needles whilst husband was at war, no respect for a woman she therefore, was the alcholic mother, orange cream buscuits only for dinner no meals?

That was what they were used to...

My parents for all they went through didn't know how to love, same as what you are feeling like, this has happened it will happen to me?

But they got over the hurdles, not perfectly but they are loved, we love them...

Don't sorry, think cause what they went through you will.

I am the most compassionate, loving, giving woman if i took their pain? I would be different.

You are whom you are, guess what? An individual, whom can make her own decisions...

WORRIED? Na... be yourself, we aren't clones, we aren't our parents, actually I am my grandmother, Hazel Pheobe Patterson.... Her soul is worth bottling, I am she.

CW

Be whom you are,what you believe.

[Guest]

What do you mean? How are they crummy?

[rcoreyus]

I agree with the suggestions for you to think about what you want. Also be sure you aren't sabotaging things with your choice: If you are attracted to bad-boy types, don't be surprised when they turn out to be...well.. bad boys.

There are many really nice guys out there. A lot of them are a bit shy - you may need too make the first move. A lot don't drive fancy cars (but may not be by any means poor). Some are nerds -who can be very nice people as well.

Also you are ONLY 18. You have plenty of time - lots and lots of time - don't make the mistake of committing to someone who isn't right - you will just regret it when later you meet someone who is.

[nc23]

Thank you all so much for your responses! They were comforting. I've calmed down a lot since I wrote that post, most likely because I went back to school. I don't see my brother very often, but on the rare occasion that I do it usually puts me in an off mood.

NO1 asked why my father and brother were crummy and the only way I can really describe it without going into too much detail or getting confusing is, my father is the dad at the game screaming on the sidelines, and my brother was the little boy crying because he didn't mean to do anything wrong. That example is even more fitting because my father is a coach, and he did make my brother cry on more than one occasion. Now every time I see my brother he's more like my father. He gets so angry over the smallest things and takes everything personally. He's always the victim. I stopped contact with my father because he made me really unhappy and now my brother's becoming the same way. It's hard to love someone when they treat you poorly.

The male friends I've made at school are actually really good guys, the "nerd" type as was mentioned in one of the comments haha. I don't care about fancy cars, or fancy anything really. I have faith that I'll find someone someday, I just don't want to find myself a junior in college never having experienced a real relationship (like my brother).

But I am only 18 and I refuse to force anything to happen so I'll just see what comes my way and hope for the best for now! And fingers crossed my brother snaps out of whatever is making him so angry.

Also, my mother is a funny, loving, and just wonderful person. She's my best friend and I don't know what I would do without her. I'm very lucky to have her.