[Sunnie]

It's funny. I've never been one to seek out advice, it's usually everyone else asking me for it lol. Perhaps, that's why I'm finding it so hard to ask a close friend and why I have decided to use the internet. Here goes...

I've been dating my boyfriend for eight months now. And I'm beginning to think it might be in my best interest to end it, although it's gonna be very hard and I'm gonna be miserable for a while. I really do care about him. A lot. But there's just soooo much BAGGAGE and I don't feel like there's a place for me. He's been separated from his ex-wife for over a year and a half and the divorce was just finalized back in June. He has full custody of both of their sons ages 3 and 5 because she's a deadbeat p.o.s mom. And right now he's living at home with his parents. In these past eight months he has never taken me on a date. The only time we went out to a restaurant to eat was when I was meeting my real father for the first time. I use to see him once a week, maybe more if I met him up at the bar he was dj-ing at for a bit. He use to complain about gas prices... we live about 20-25 minutes away from each other. Since October I've been seeing him about three times a week. He's remodeling my parents house tho, and I tend to help him out a bit. But that's nothing. Whatever. Then he gives me these phony excuses about his "efforts" to come see me more and how he's really trying. I guess he thinks that since he calls me 5-6 times throughout the day on top of that, it should make up for our lack in seeing each other. I've tried breaking up with him before but he makes me feel bad and because I have all these feeling for him I take him back. And he gives me all these promises about how things are gonna be different. But I haven't seen one thing change. He tells me I'm trying to find someone perfect and I need to be more realistic. I think with all of the baggage that he has, and with me being willing to help him carry it, he should be grateful! Who wants to be "mommy" to 2 kids! I'm 23 and he's 27 btw. I'm pretty young and while the prospect of this becoming something more serious doesn't frighten me, what does frighten me is this eerie feeling that he wants me there to raise his kids. Because I'm "convenient". I think it's pretty clear what I must do. It's just so HARD because of these feelings that I have for him. And because of his kids. I've developed feelings for them as well. But at the rate things are going, I don't think he has time for me, or that he's even appreciative for all that I've done for him thus far. I guess, my question is, am I right in this decision? I keep second guessing myself and I need to know someone else's perspective. And if so, what might be my best approach? And is there anyway I can avoid hurting the kids??

Thanks much!

[WildChild]

If it's right time won't hurt. Step back and see what happens. Get out and have some fun. He's got a long way to go before he's ready for a real relationship. Living with his parents has to be a huge help but he's not really moved fully into the single parent role yet. You're seeing the side men usually deal with - dating someone who has kids to care for all the time. Yes you probably are conveinient. Give him time to get on his own, get into what it takes to raise and care for his kids and then see if there is still any interest.

[Sunnie]

Yeah, I agree. Thanks! I never saw it that way. I think I should just let him try to work out being a single parent and see if there's something there later on down the road. Maybe there will be and maybe there won't.

I appreciate it!

[Guest]

i do not have kids so i cant answer it that way. but i do know that if he lives at home with his parents, he should be able to ask them to watch the kids and take you out once in awhile. not just a small amount or hardly ever.
i dont think he is ready for a relationship yet to be honest.
as for you being convient, there is a good chance of that but not 100% sure.

there is never a great time for a break up other than when your tired and want out. it may hurt the other as it usually does, but you have to be happy and you arent. you said you tried a time before and asking about it now. if your not happy you most likely arent going to be.
you have to cut lose now before you make it worse than its going be or has to be.
i admire that you tried again, but from what i see its too soon for him at this point and he promised you a change and it didnt happen.
find your happiness while you can. even if you have to be alone for awhile. your young yet so it will pass sooner than you think.
good luck!

[Joy]

You probably won't like my advice but..... All the women that have children want a man to accept them as a package.... well guess what he is a package too so you will have to accept his children.

I think with all of the baggage that he has, and with me being willing to help him carry it, he should be grateful! Who wants to be "mommy" to 2 kids! I'm 23 and he's 27 btw

If you are at a different place in your life where all you wanna do is let losse and have fun then move on. This man has 2 children to think about not just you. If you want a BF that is only concerned about you then get a guy that has no children.

He needs a mature understanding woman in his life that can see past herself. If you think you can be this person then suggest that every other weekend he has to take you dancing or socializing on some level.

Make sure you also make family time where you are taking the kids to a movie or on some type of family outing if you plan on being "mommy".


If you aren't willing to be good to his children and realize they have no mother to influence their life in a postive way then you really should end it now.

good luck

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Who wants to be "mommy" to 2 kids!

Have to say I agree with Joy... You say you don't want to hurt the kids, but on the same accord, your not "in love" with this guy to be a "family", probably because you don't see him enough.

I don't think he is ready to move on to be honest, "emotionally" and that he is not really looking for a replacement "mother" for the kids, rather, he is not emotionally ready to have a relationship for himself, that binds you all together as a family.

15 or so months is not long... And, have two little ones is not easy on your own, and obviously, financially, he is having to also be very careful, hense the comments about petrol....

I think that you are in a relationship that you would like to eventuate but that it is not moving.

CW

[Tuesday]

My last bf was all talk but no action, the result was I didn't see him much, if I did it was because I made the effort, and our relationship was conducted over the phone. It also turned out he wanted to get full custody of his son, and part of the plan was to have a woman there in his house as he worked abroad part of the week. So all in all, I could have been anyone.

I think you need to get out of this relationship before you form even closer bonds with the children that will ultimately cause them pain when they are broken. The children have been through a rough time I'm sure and they need someone who is going to be a stable influence, and since you don't want to do that, your kindest gesture is to not be around.

[Sunnie]

Thanks for the comments everyone! I really appreciate it. And just to clarify, it's not that I don't like his kids or that I'm out partying. I just feel like every step that I've taken to take our relationship somewhere has blown up in my face. And he's not trying. And with him being a single dad, I don't think he's gonna find too many women in our age range like myself that's willing to be "mommy" to his two kids. I feel like he's being selfish. But yet again, I've never been divorced and I don't know what it's like to have kids. So, thanks again for the advice everyone, and I'm just gonna do what I had set out to do initially. And that's to break it off!

[Guest]

People with kids will seem selfish. after all, their # 1 priority should be the kids.

Regardless, if it doesnt feel right to you, you are right for getting out.

Interesting role reversal....

[Tuesday]

It is an interesting role reversal. As a single mum I come as a package deal but men I've dated have been divorcees with children too. With the exception of one, who was single and childless, and who would have liked a family of his own. The plan was to have a baby together, so he would have had three children, two of which were step children. He was ready for that (in his thirties), but you clearly aren't, and why should you be - after all you didn't sign up to this! Like many men do and will continue to do, you can choose for yourself what lifestyle you want to lead, and no one can decide for you. The kindest thing to do regarding the children, is to step away from the whole situation.