[Ashlee T.]

Several years ago, she was dating my fiance's best friend. She hated me with a passion because as part of their dysfunctional abusive relationship he helped her to believe I liked him. Not only was I not attracted to her guy at all, but I never dreamt she thought that of me.

Years passed, and both of our relationships failed. She called me one day out of the blue, heartbroken because he had ended things with her. Let me back up a little to tell you that she's in her early 40's and has two children. She was abused as a child mentally and physically. Anyway, I am the level headed, wise beyond my years friend that my friends turn to for advice. After hearing her heartbreak,, and mending our fences, I soon began being her friend. Soon we were wonderful friends that turned to each other for everything. We helped each other through so many rough times. We'd talk of philosphy, life, and try to help each other grow. After a year or so I saw her begin to blossom into the independent strong woman she had always wanted to be. She and her kids became like family to me, and I to them. We both promised ourselves and each other that we would never ever again let a man come between our strong female bonds. We both dated here and there and would tell each other everything about our dates or relationships.

She met a man, a little older, and within a week he was telling her he wanted forever with her. Also, within a week of dating him, I began to notice the lack of contact. Here she is, in this "awesome" relationship and she didn't even call her best of friends to tell me about it. I would send her emails and tell her how I felt left out and that it was starting to really hurt my feelings. She'd tell me she loved me and would never want to hurt me.....and would call me soon to talk. She never did. Soon, our only contact was by email....where she would make no mention of her relationship. And within a month of dating, I found out that she had moved her, and her two kids into his home........giving up her own home. I was shocked and it hurt me for her kids worse than anything.

As time passed, I grew tired of her "blah" generic "hey how's my best friend doing?" emails. And they too have stopped. I don't hear from her...not a word. And though I'm a "brush it off" type of gal, I can't help but wonder sometimes what happens to someone that they would so carelessly give up their friends.........

I try for this not to cause me to lose faith in my friends.....in those I wholeheartedly believe love me and are true friends. But, I also remind myself that at one time, I considered her one of those people. I make no attempt at contacting her.....because I did for so long with no effort from her. And I wonder......am I doing the right thing?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

She hated you with a passion because she was led to believe that you liked her then man.

She came seeking you out, after a failed relationship.

You as a "kind soul" struck up a friendship that otherwise, never existed.

She met a man, and therefore didn't need you anymore.

Your job, has been done.........

It's unfortunate in life, when we befriend people with full faith, however, all the while those people had "issues" she was abused, physically and mentally as a child, she therefore "trusts no-one, she therefore lives for herself"...

This is what she is doing... She can reel you in, and she can let go of the fishing rod when she is finished, after all others have done it to her, she doesn't have to be concerned.

One day when this relationship finishes, she will contact you, probably say, he manipulated me, didn't allow me to have friends, I thought that I loved him, I am sorry.

What are you going to do?

I know what I would do.

CW

[happy ending]

chandlers wish i think you have nailed it. i know a woman exactly like that - a friends are people you have between men. i feel sorry for her child and the children of women like that. her story is very similar to your friends beautiful. i think they are desperate love addicts trying to fill some inner emptiness. she will either come back to you or move onto another victim.

[WildChild]

Someone wrote a book about this a few years ago. Don't remember the title but it must nor be that uncommon a behavior. Its was specifically targeted to women as I recall, about freindships that end without explaintion.

[Ashlee T.]

CW, while I know you're right, and my sensibility has told me that for quite some time....I guess part of me was denying it.

It's also hard for me to understand that in some way, her childhood is now her excuse in her 40's to selfishly and carelessly deal with others. Many of us had less than perfect childhoods.....many were abused in one way or the other. But we've chosen to overcome, to work with what we have and to stop being a "victim". But you're right....once she had the void filled in her life by him she had no further use for me. While I considered her a valued friend....to her I filled a void.

I've considered what I'd do if she contacted me and they had broken up. She periodically sends me a "Thinking of you, as I do often" text, similar to something an ex lover would send you (haha!), and I typically respond to her with a "Thanks". I could never put my trust in her as a friend again....my trust is much too hard to gain the first time to even consider a second time.

So, if her relationship ends, and even if it doesn't for that matter......... I certainly won't be around to listen.

Thanks all for affirming to me that I'm not being too harsh about this!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Without a doubt it's difficult to bare.

When I was in my 20's it hurt like when a "friend" did the dirty on me, ie) slept with my boyfriend, haha... whilst all the time I felt like she was a sister, but her attitude and manys is "take".

Alot of women are bought up to "take"
Alot of women are self centered and whilst "yes" other's have had worse a time in their lives and are open and giving and value friendships, other's can't won't let anyone in, other than a male, all be it wrong, it is the way it is.

The male is let in for love..

A friend is companionship.

The male can provide both, ding, so you are no longer needed......

It is sad.

I don't give a flying rats *** anymore, I don't let things bother me, no point, waste of energy... (smile)

So, whilst it hurts, if you feel that what we have said is reality, then in addition to acknowledging that you "won't be there" also acknowledge that it's not you, it's her and there is nothing you can do about it but feel sorry for her ways of thinking, because one day, she really is going to need a friend and no one will be there for her.

She is a wounded animal, but make no mistake, she will be a cunning fox, so do not pick her up and heal her...

CW

[Ashlee T.]

Well that's the part that was bothering me......is that I felt so tossed aside by this person I had so much faith in as a friend, that I almost instantly lost my ability to care about her. Then I started wondering am I being too harsh about it. I mean, I have a general caring for pretty much anyone and anything, but you know what I mean. I just wrote her off. Totally wrote her off. But I was still questioning myself. Have I been too harsh? Have I misjudged a situation in which I shouldve been more patient? etc.......
However, what you have said reaffirms what I was feeling.

I think you're right......eventually, she'll need me again..............but my friendship is valuable and it need not be wasted. Thanks!

[Guest]

I make no attempt at contacting her.....because I did for so long with no effort from her. And I wonder......am I doing the right thing?

Yes, you are doing the right thing. You are acquaintances, not friends.