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Big mistake

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  • Big mistake

    I have been married for 22 years and the last ten have been crazy. I had always had a feeling that my husband was having an affair/affairs , I just couldnt prove it. In January of 2004 we had a hugh argument and he moved out. I did find out that there was someone else in his life. 8 months later he moves back and wants to make our marriage work. He has made no attempt to come back into my life, we havent shared a bed in 5 years. Within the past few years I am very sure he was still seeing her. I had starting talking to a former boyfriend and we became very close. He has made me feel alive, beautiful, and more confident then I have in years.
    My husband just recently found out about him and now I am the lowest thing on earth. He will not even talk to me at all.......
    Why is so wrong for me to want someone to love me, which he clearly doesnt. I know what I have done is wrong and I have wanted a relationship with him for such a long time but I just couldnt chase something that didnt want to be chased by me.

  • How do you feel about divorcing?


    • Your husband came back because things probably didn't work out they way he thought, the grass wasn't greener on the other side afterall... His choices were to suck up and move back in or financially re-start all over again and so he chose the easy way.... Non threatening, Divorce costs money in settlements.

      The fact that he then ignored you for 5 years, instead of making it up to you, what he did, tells that picture.

      You, in the meantime have craved love, love that you haven't been receiving and more so, love that you desperately needed once he returned, to know that it was YOU his missed not that it was the FINANCIALS he didn't want to face.

      And, so bit by bit you allowed someone else to enter your life and found that there is love and feeling beautiul actually out there.

      So what he is not talking to you, he can't have his cake and eat it too.

      Think it's time you remained feeling beautiful don't you?



      • once again i agree with chandlers wish, my ex didnt care about doing anything about reconciling until he found out i had moved on and found someone else. someone who makes me feel worthwhile and loved. dont go back - you will regret it for the rest of your life.


        • The marriage sounds completely dead, whether divorced or not. Legal divorce would just be calling it what it is. With counseling, your relationship could still be repaired, if he wants that, and you can always get remarried to each other. After our divorce, my xh and I slowly became good friends again. We are both much better off now, and he is married to another woman. And I have that hope again, for myself.


          • Growing up in a small bible belt area as I did, I'm so used to hearing people say that you stick with your marriage regardless unless he's threatening your life. It's SO refreshing to see the people on here give GOOD solid advice, advice that they too would follow or would give to someone they truly care for. No one should have to live a life of misery and neglect just because they married the wrong person.

            Do you deserve to be loved and wanted? Absolutely. Should you cheat? Absolutely not. Should you jump from one "relationship" to the next just to fulfill your need to be wanted and desired? No.

            It's time to take care of the inevitable, and I'm confident you know what that is. Then, learn to love YOURSELF again before you seek it elsewhere. What you have been through with this man requires healing that no man can, or should be expected to give to you. And I can tell you, that learning to love yourself is the greatest thing you'll ever experience.

            Life is short.....being happy should not be negotiable.
            "Be what you're looking for."


            • what do you want to do? it's not clear from your post.

              Do you want to try and fix the marriage or move on? Sounds like you still want to try and fix it.


              • I had the firm conviction that I had to stick with my marriage vows, esp. to God, no matter what.

                I prayed and had hope, faith, humility, determination to love my husband and help him be a better man. He neglected and (I wince to say this bc it sounds dramatic) abused me physically, emotionally, mentally...

                I would post on msg boards, and people would yell That's abuse! Leave him!, but I couldn't couldn't because I had to hold to my vows to God - the core of my fragile life.

                More honest/superficially, what would family/church think, and how could I make it on my own? where would I go?

                Then things would get better, a cycle, and I would be so proud of myself for sticking with it, for being strong.

                But the bad times, cycle, got worse and after a bad attack, I just went to my bed and sat there in silence and shock, knowing I had to get out or my soul would die if he didn't kill me first.

                Doing so, to me, was forsaking God, which was another kind of death of faith and dreams, ideals.

                While he felt better, it took me three days to call a hotline and not hang up. baby baby steps, after talking on the phone a bit, they told me to come in for an appt, and those good strong women guided me out. I was a nervous wreck, one actually told me that I looked like I was strung out on drugs (lol if you know me).

                The trauma for me, for months afterward, wasn't the physical abuse/fear or uncertainties, but the fact that I'd broken those vows and forsaken my God, now who could I turn to?

                But if you know God, you know He really was there still with me. and with my husband.

                "Iron sharpens iron," and "a brother is born for adversity," but some pairings are just death for each other. I was NOT doing my husband any good by holding our marriage together.

                It was a long slow road, but it was amazing to see how my xh slowly opened up and cried (months later) and now we can talk and laugh about our issues.

                We would have never been able to deal/heal while we were still living together, still pretending everything was okay. And even though we've dealt and healed now,

                I am absolutely fine not being his wife anymore. We are good friends, like sister/brother even.

                I love him as much as ever, but it's never been that husband/wife love which maybe someday I will yet experience.

                Meanwhile I am sooo much happier alone, it is awesomely peaceful.

                It was hard to go through the humility of divorce, but I developed an inner strength of who I am and what I need.

                Sorry this is a long post, but maybe it will help someone at that crossroads. You hate to advise people to break God's laws (or how we view them), but dig for the deeper love.
                Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 01-04-2009, 02:18 PM. Reason: paragraphing for readers


                • Why don't you try to talk about your relationship and see if you can still work things out. If not, why not consider having a divorce instead.


                  • While great advise is posted here, this thread is from 2009,
                    It would have been nice if the Original Poster returned and kept us up to date . But 4 years is a long time to keep Updating .

                    I have Learned, myself, not to just look through the " New Posts " Tab. But to actually look at the Date it was first Posted.
                    I used to just look at New Posts, then finding myself responding ( in the Advanced Reply ) and trying to be Specific to certain statements.. Spending the time to do my best to be Fair and Balanced, even Researching a bit about their Problem. And this was before the Wonderful " Auto Save " . It was type, go get coffee or soda , lose post and start over .. I almost gave up .. EEK .

                    I so much would rather try to help ones who are in Current needs,than to Post Advice to someone who is probably Long Gone from here . And Hopefully Happy .

                    Though keeping Archived Records of Threads, is still a Good Idea for those who like to Research problems and Advise. Especially before posting, it is really neat to read through things, get Advice that had been given to others . Long before you ask the same question that has been Asked a Thousand Times ..
                    I searched before posting my " Story ". I knew much of the Advise I would get, knew I would get allot of " Negative/Positive" and I also Learned allot about how the people really Care here .
                    Hey I'm still here .. lol

                    It would be Awesome if they ( WH ) could sort by Year,for Archiving,on a Drop down Tab, Like under Sex or am I Pregnant threads..
                    Have the Month /Year Posted ,so as we can do our best to help.

                    Sorry Nick & Little ..
                    I know how Busy you and the " A~Team " are . But it would help so much to keep " Current " and Archived a bit Separate . And the Site is Strong,new members daily .. Maybe a bit "understaffed " ?
                    But then The Staff " A~Team" haves lives and are overworked .

                    Dang Me, I hijacked another Thread .. Forgive me .. Lol


                    • I think u should divorce... I agree with CW
                      Life is not worth living without love <3



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