[Fatima]

Dear Ladies ....i m so sorry over my situation. yesterday my marriage had completed its 4th year. i have two beautiful daughter, one is 3 years old and other is of 4 months. my hubby is very much busy man but whenever he gets free, he like to spend time with his fellow mates. i feel puzzled when i used to wait for him for the whole day while he is busy in making fun with his friends. since my marriage, i m longing for his free time, to bring me out for dinner or shopping or during vacations to any hill station.
He is supportive as regards to monetary matters. but never like to share his time with me even when he is free.
Moreover he shows interest in some female collegues. talks in very silly topics. Means mostly we used to share beds during night only. but atleast twice in a week, he want to sleep away from me in another room for one reason or the another. means when i waited for him til the nite, and he said he wanted to sleep alone....one can feel how terrible it could be.
he has some female friends too with whom he used to have regular talks but never in front of me.
after the delivery of my second baby, i found him totally inaffectionate towards me. throughout the day he used to sit all alone in the room. when i enquired from his cellphone, i found that he used to talk to some strange girl in my absence. i also found some lovable messages in his inbox.
he says that she was only a friend. but i m so insecure from within. i could not tolerate any of the females informal presence in the schedule of my hubby. he is busy man and he never gets time for his family. so whenever he is free ...isnt he supposed to share time with his family or not???

[WildChild]

It's hard to know what to say, this must be very difficult. I don't know about cultural differences but freinds I have from India have seemed very caring and united as couples. Have you tried talking with him about your feelings? It might help if you work on getting together with freinds more or finding a hobby so you aren't dependant on him for your social interaction.

Of course you want to be closer to him. He may feel pressure with the responsibilty of a family. You each need things you do on your own with your mates and things you do together as a couple as well as things as a family.

[Ashlee T.]

I agree with WC that you need to have a serious talk with him. Right now, it seems that maybe you're so in fear of him leaving that you're driving yourself crazy. that is only my perception. Yes, you're totally right that your husband should want to spend time with you and the kids. He should also want to spend some guy time with his friends. You should want to spend some girl time too with your girlfriends, have a girls night out and such.
If he's giving you reason to feel insecure, to feel as though he may be unfaithful, then you must talk to him at a time when you can be rational, reasonable, and calm.

[cassie66]

confront hiim its the only way

[Fatima]

thank you frendz. i do have talks with him on my situation. but he always used to say that he loves me, whatever he is doing is for me and my family. he says that he can never cheat me as he will not be able to face the society. means being a socialite, he really cares for his image and reputation.

[kms]

Fatima (a wonderful name by the way),

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Was your marriage arranged? I know this still happens in India, although lnot always. If your marriage was arranged, he may continue to be with you solely for keeping up his image in front of others (i.e. you are from a prestigious, respectable family, for example), as you said is important to him.

I think he's making his disinterest in you and the children clear... and you don't deserve a life with someone like that, who doesn't truly love you and treat you well. However, I understand that culturally it may be difficult for you to leave, you may not have support from your community or even your family (depending on how conservative they are). Or even when you do leave, it may be hard to find another spouse who is willing to be with a divorcee with kids, although hopefully this is changing with time.

It seems like you are very overwhelmed with worry and anxiety about your husband's behavior toward you. It may be difficult to think of anything else, but it would be a good idea to think about all your options. Talking to him is the first step. Depending on what he says, you should think about your options from that point and what the possible consequences may be, and how you'll face them (or if it's worth facing).

Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to about all this? A close friend? A family member? It would be so difficult to go through this completely alone...

[Fatima]

Fatima (a wonderful name by the way),

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Was your marriage arranged? I know this still happens in India, although lnot always. If your marriage was arranged, he may continue to be with you solely for keeping up his image in front of others (i.e. you are from a prestigious, respectable family, for example), as you said is important to him.

I think he's making his disinterest in you and the children clear... and you don't deserve a life with someone like that, who doesn't truly love you and treat you well. However, I understand that culturally it may be difficult for you to leave, you may not have support from your community or even your family (depending on how conservative they are). Or even when you do leave, it may be hard to find another spouse who is willing to be with a divorcee with kids, although hopefully this is changing with time.

It seems like you are very overwhelmed with worry and anxiety about your husband's behavior toward you. It may be difficult to think of anything else, but it would be a good idea to think about all your options. Talking to him is the first step. Depending on what he says, you should think about your options from that point and what the possible consequences may be, and how you'll face them (or if it's worth facing).

Do you have anyone in your life that you can talk to about all this? A close friend? A family member? It would be so difficult to go through this completely alone...

hello friend, thanx for paying concern to my situation.
Our marriage was arranged and you can say a totally different match but as his financial position was very good and he belongs to a respectable family, it was presummed to be the perfect match. and now too everyone feels that i m living like a princess having such a strong monetary condition.

he had not showed his disinterest verbally however it can be felt. whenever i talk to him on the situation, he used to say that he is busy thats why he cant share his time with me. but this is not the fact i know. even on sundays, or non working days i m going thru the same pattern of loneliness.
the only reason that i feel towards his strange behavious is that he had gone thru a very struggled and poor life before and had always been neglected as his father himself left him with his sisters and mother when he was a small child.
i m from a very conservative family and i dont think myself that leaving him would be a best solution. it will spoil not only our lifes but also of our kids.
i m compromising to the extent i can and only expect from u ladies to suggest me something to gain his everlasting love and interest in me that mostly married couples used to have.

[WildChild]

We learn a lot about to interact with others from our families and how our parents treat us and each other. If your husband's father was not part of the household, then he missed seeing how a woman and man act with each other and treat each other in a good relationship. Do you consider your parents to have a good marriage? If not whom do you know who has the kind of relationship you would like? Could your father, brothers, uncle or a freind's husband talk with your husband? Perhaps they could encourage him to act differently.

[Fatima]

hi

yes u r rite wildchild, he had not seen the rite attitude from his own parents. but how could i make him to change his way of thinking. considering me as only his responsibility and nothing else.
he has always fulfilled all my material needs. but thats not all. what about my emotional and psychological needs. i dont have any near friend with whom i can share my problems. i considered my hubby as the only friend, lover, soul mate. but....
i worked very hard to change this all through the 4 years but now my patience is all over.
still he is living like a Bachelor. leaving me all alone in my home with my children, he spends his time either with his frenz or watching tv in a separate room saying that he wants freedom and no disturbance. and behaves like nothing had happened. he dont have any idea what i m going thru and how much he had left me isolated.
i know that if i will show anger, it will spoil the situation. but how to react.
i had always made the first move. going where he is sitting, sharing, hugging and making him to feel very special. and the thing in which he made the first move is on BED. i thought that i could make him love me like the way i does but it didnt happened. and now my question with u ladies is that WHETHER THESE MEN SHOULD BE GIVEN THAT EXTRA SPACE AND FREEDOM THAT THEY WANT. WHETHER IT WILL IMPROVE THE SITUATION OR WORSEN. PLZ HELP ME OUT SOMEBODY.

[WildChild]

Men do tend to need some time alone to think and unwind. Women tend to relax more by talking and sharing. You need to have some lady freinds that you can have tea with and chat and laugh with, then you won't be so dependant on him and that may help him feel less pressured. It is always a bad idea to put all of your emotional eggs in one basket - so to speak. Men process information in their heads, women do so by talking. Unless you each understand that and try to accomodate the other it can cause problems.

Can you talk to him and explain that you are happy to give him some time to himself but that you need some of his time too? That you need to chat and share ideas? Not to have him solve problem but just to have him listen? And that you (and your daughters) need to get out and visit with other women and children? Is there any place your daughters ca ntake some classes such as kids swimming or soccer (mine started playing soccer at 3 yrs and swimming at about 2 or 2 1/2) or just a park with a playground where they can play? I know one is just a baby but they still enjoying the sights and sounds. I made some great friends taking my kids to the park. After 15 years we still get together.

I know there are cultural differences but you also need to create some adult time for the two of you. India has a great movie and music industry, can you go to the movies together? Or out to dinner once in a while? Just the two of you, going out as adults? Or have some other couples over for dinner and play a board game just have some after dinner conversation or something?