[Little]

But what if she did it BEFORE the relationship, as in this case? It's not like she knew in advance that she was going to have this boyfriend.
If I stopped talking to every male who ever wanted in my pants or my heart, let's just say it would be a lonely life. What if it were a lesbian who wanted to be in a relationship with her? Would it be the same? Obviously she's no longer interested in these guys, just the same as (assuming she's straight) if the friends in question were lesbian women.

[Elysium]

Update.

She told me the whole story (finally) about the "tip-in" guy. To sum it up, they met, there we're sparks... he never did anything about it..they became friends. She says she put him in the "friend" zone. They hung out off and on regualarly, usually in groups of people where partying was involved. She did sleep next to him, not have sex a half dozen times without any petting involved. After a few years of this one day mr. tip-in's friends told her how much he loved her and wanted to be with her. She said that if that's what he wanted how come he never asked her on a date or gave flowers or something like that? Time went by. One night, while drinking of course, she decided that maybe if she gave him a chance to come out of the friend zone by having sex with him...things might change. He told her over and over before sex that "this will change everything". They started having sex, she says she was disgusted (fattest guy she's been with). I'm not sure if he just came quickly or they stopped but it was over fast. She felt horrible and that things had "changed" and went to buy cigarretes even though she doesn't smoke. He didn't talke to her for a year.

My belief is that she still has some feeling for him.....when she describes why she couldn't be in a relationship with him it's only because he is a little fat and doesn't have a career....what she liked about him was that he was the funniest guy she's met. I'm sure that he has feelings for her based on his "this will change everything comment" and his friends comments about him loving her even though she was somewhat unaware at the time.

Also, I do know that he will not talk to her now because his current girlfriend put the kabash on it.....she must have knew something was up .

To me, keeping this relationship alive is keeping a door open. My belief is that if you keep a door open you suck the life out of your relationship your in. I mean, she asks me to marry her weekly.

What do you gals think? Should I care if she talks to him?

Now for the nudy photo guy. BTW, she did send him the pics before we we're dating. She says they kissed once when they first met years ago. She also use to sleep with him, without sex or petting a number of times (she likes snuggling, alot). She says she knows that he would like to be in a relationship with her. Funny enough, the night I was talking to her about this I find out that she got three texts from him that night! Between 2:30 am and 3:00 am! He asked her to come visit her in another state, her hometown. I don't know about you guys but since he's texting her that late and he knows she has a boyfriend and didn't say "you and your boyfriend should come hang out" I think he should be off the list. I know for a fact if roles reversed, she would be upset.

I'm still thinking that the only reason to talk to these guys is to leave a door open because she's scared of being by herself if our relationship ended. I guess maybe it bugs me that she's not stronger than that. IMO.

I know one thing for sure. This behavior does NOT make me feel like I am the only man for her and/or want to marry her. I truly believe that the most important thing to a man is to know that he fulfills his woman in every way. He needs to know that he makes her happy. I guess maybe I have to decide if I'm willing to be with someone like this long term or if I deserve someone who only "has eyes for me". That's how I feel anyway.

Cheers

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think your brain is in over-drive.

A mature person may say, "don't friggen text so late for goodness sake", but in the world of the youth, it happens when it happens.

Did she let you read the text messages? Or did you snoop?

Why did she have to go into full detail and explain exactly what happened with the "fat guy" to you, or the one she sent nude photos to...?

The difference between, wanting to "sleep" with a girl and "loving her" are two different things and girls tend to think "he likes me, wants to be with me", when really that's not it at all..

Let's take the fat guy, sorry but you named him that... Was his friend winding her up? " This will change everything" doesn't mean this will make us have a relationship, it means it will ruin our friendship as it was, friends only... Also, if he really loved her, would he have a girlfriend? Or, worked towards making your girlfriend his? Why didn't he send flowers? Have a think.

Your girlfriend sounds to me like she "seeks attention", wants all to like her, thinks that by having sex, sending nude photos, that those guys will find her hot, attractive, but yet was wasn't un-attainable.. That's my belief on the topic.. This guy texting at 2am, he's got home and thinks of her, he likes her? Or wants to sleep with her?

You need to pose those questions and let her see that guys are guys and will take when ever they can, if she wants a relationship a real relationship, she can have male friends but there's a word called respect... Ask them not to text you late in the morning you have a boyfriend... She needs to see that they are not respectful of her by doing so and that by answering, she is showing that she would not be respectful in a relationship with him ( that guy), because he knows that she has a boyfriend.

It's purely a learning curb of age I think.. She sees it as simple, not doing anything wrong, she is with you...

She needs to see it from mens points of view, (not boyfriend) but just how the guys perceive those sorts of actions and what all guys want from a girlfriend. Guide her.

You need to quit delving into a girlfriend's past.. .It's hers, not yours and what ever happened before you is not relevant, it's what happens now with you.

Jealousy will not get you through a long term relationship into marriage, trust and understanding will..

CW

[Little]

Basically, I think you shouldn't care that they speak. However, you may want to lay some ground rules.
So basically she told you the fat guy didn't have a career. So he's overweight and unemployed? What kind of person wants a significant other with no drive? Feel free to put down these other guys in your mind (if not out loud, since they are her friends,) if it will make you feel better. She chose you over them.
But the 3am texts really aren't acceptable. NOBODY likes to get text messages in the middle of the wee hours, no matter from whom. Personally, I'd deal with it by having my boyfriend text back. "Dude, it's 3am, can't it wait until morning?" It's not her fault that the guy in question (probably drunk) texted when he did, so don't take it out on her. You have to gauge her feelings about phones. If my phone is across the room and someone else is closer to it when it rings, I'll ask them who it is ... and sometimes even tell them to answer it. Many people don't feel this way.
I think you're overthinking and being controlling by trying to eliminate your girlfriend's friend base. But I also think your heart is in the right place. Come to a compromise. Only you and your girlfriend can find it.

[collegegirl2009]

You know another way you can think about it is that she sent the pics a long time ago and that they all want something you have but can't have her. My bf has the attitude, for lack of better words, "She's mine. Look what I've got & you can't have her." As long as you trust her & you know she's being faithful you will have to get over your insecurities if you really care about her & want to continue to have a relationship with her. Don't get me wrong, most people don't love the thought of their significant other with someone from the past but you have her. She wants you or she'd be with someone else.

[Elysium]

Update:

The guy who texted her at 2:30 am came clean a couple days later and told her that he wants to be with her and that "if we're serious about each other it doesn't matter if we don't live in the same state" and that "I probably think about you more than I should".

She says that she told him "Don't worry, you'll find another girl who's way better than me". She says she never even kissed him. Anyways girls, all my hunches always end up being right....I'm still having a hard time with this. She says she will only talk to him once more to finalize that they will not ever be together in a nice way, of course.

Anyways, I came up with three questions for her to ask herself to figure out whether or not she should be talking to/friends with whoever the guy is.

1. Would he be saying what he's saying if my boyfriend was there?

2. Would I be saying what I'm saying if my boyfriend was there?

3. What would I want my boyfriend to do if the roles we're reversed?

I told her that if the answers she's getting to these questions aren't satisfactory then she should end the "friendship" and/or remove herself from the situation (leaving the bar, or at least leaving whoever the guy is she's talking to).

She seemed to think this sounded like a good idea. But I still feel like she thinks I'm being controlling, though she doesn't say so. I'm just frustrated that she doesn't just get it on her own and that when I talk to her about it she just seems totally disinterested. It's so frustrating to me that she doesn't care more. The last long term relationship I was in the girl would have loved (she begged me) to communicate like this....but this girl is like the opposite...I'm always the one trying to get her to communicate. Maybe it's not going to work? It gets really frustrating not knowing what your partner is truly thinking. I feel like when she talks to me it's always through a filter.

Do you guys think these questions are good? I though they would help because instead of setting specific boundaries it would allow her to ask herself the right questions to figure out what made sense to her... and to be more concious about what she's doing. The problem is, she seems so disinterested, I don't know if she will even apply it. I hope so. I'll try to be positive. She's in mexico for the week with a girlfriend and her mom. I don't think she would physically cheat.... but just not physically cheating... I think I want more respect than that.

My new attitude is that it I'm just not going to care that much anymore. If it doesn't work I know I can easily find an amazing woman... I am an amazing man... it's her loss if she can't keep up with me!

[collegegirl2009]

From the more you it's obvious you don't trust her (probably with good reason) so I say just end it. She isn't ready to be in a committed relationship.

[Hopeless Dork]

You mention that an ex would have loved if you tried to communicate with her the way you are doing this woman. Interesting. I don't mean to sound insenstitive to what you are currently experiencing but it things do have a way of coming full circle. Do you think you are trying so hard and so concerned with all this because of the fact she isn't? She's being challenging, she isn't there for you, she may not care as much as you do?

It's sad to think that that is what a girl has got to do to get a guy clamoring for her. If she was faithful, loyal, 100% engaged to the relationship with you, would you be shrugging and pushing her away and not interested in this deep meaningful communication about feelings? Maybe?

Its only human I suppose, you've had it easier in the past and this is one egg you can't quite crack. Do you think that it is HER that you are trully in love with and trying to change because you want this relationship to head to marriage, or is it something you need to prove to yourself you can do? Because its been so easy with others?

[Hopeless Dork]

I want to add that I have to agree with collegegirl, she isn't ready for a commited relationship. I know it hurts to hear that, but you already know that. When you love or even just respect the person you are with there are certain things you just wouldn't do that she has done.

Her comforting the other guy "oh you can do better than me" sounds like a plea for him to say "oh no I can't". She sounds like she needs a lot of male approval, and one mans approval may not just be enough at this time.

[Elysium]

You mention that an ex would have loved if you tried to communicate with her the way you are doing this woman. Interesting. I don't mean to sound insenstitive to what you are currently experiencing but it things do have a way of coming full circle. Do you think you are trying so hard and so concerned with all this because of the fact she isn't? She's being challenging, she isn't there for you, she may not care as much as you do?

----Yes I think your probably right. If it wasn't for the fact that she always saying she wants to marry me ... I would probably realize that the only reason I care is because she doesn't seem to care when you look at her actions. Sometimes, I feel like she wants to care but is to afraid to. Probably from her past toxic relationships.... which I think is all she's had with guys. Or maybe she doesn't know how to show that she cares.... other than saying she wants to marry me. Usually, the only time it seems like she really cares is when we break up and for a few days after... we've broken up alot lately... always me doing it but she always comes back immediately and fights for me, hard, and shows that she cares and then a few days later it's back to normal.

It's sad to think that that is what a girl has got to do to get a guy clamoring for her. If she was faithful, loyal, 100% engaged to the relationship with you, would you be shrugging and pushing her away and not interested in this deep meaningful communication about feelings? Maybe?

---that's part of it, another part of it is that I was divorced a little over a year ago and I'm trying hard not to make the same mistakes....trying to set precedence for the things that are needed to stand the test of time in case we get married.

Its only human I suppose, you've had it easier in the past and this is one egg you can't quite crack. Do you think that it is HER that you are trully in love with and trying to change because you want this relationship to head to marriage, or is it something you need to prove to yourself you can do? Because its been so easy with others?

---It's confusing. Sometimes It feels that way, other times I feel like if she would really show me she cared, she could be the one. Unfortunately, the way I'll know she cares is when she puts herself on the line so to speak and she doesn't seem to be able to do that. Except when she thinks she'll lose me if she doesn't.