[where2go]

My first time on any type of forum. I hope someone can help...I cheated on my BF of 22 yrs. with an older man 15 months ago. He was a manager where we both worked. I was 39, he was 52. BF was 43. I no longer work at this job and have not had any contact with him since the day my BF found out. He set up a camera and recorded a phone conversation I had with him. Needless to say, BF was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED, AS YOU CAN IMAGINE.! I am extremely remorseful for EVERYTHING! I really don't know WHY I did this. I do have very low self-esteem, social anxiety, etc. I am on anti-depressants and Xanax and have been for over a year. I want to try to reconcile, but I am REALLY stuck! I've always had an issue with communication, esp. w/BF and now I find it extremely difficult to talk to him, show him remorse (and I really do feel remorseful), express feelings, etc. I feel terrible and don't know what to do....Any suggestions??????

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So, if he set up a camera, your cheating wasn't a one night thing? So your boyfriend was suspicious? How did he set a camera up at work?

You've been together 22 years but never married?

Is there a reason for that?

No children, do you live together, and what happened 12 months ago that made you feel that you needed all of these drugs.

Sorry, but I know your asking how, but I'm trying to get a picture of why first of, because maybe that can assist with how you discuss this with him, in written or verbal language.

CW

[Guest]

So, if he set up a camera, your cheating wasn't a one night thing? So your boyfriend was suspicious? How did he set a camera up at work?

You've been together 22 years but never married?

Is there a reason for that?

No children, do you live together, and what happened 12 months ago that made you feel that you needed all of these drugs.

Sorry, but I know your asking how, but I'm trying to get a picture of why first of, because maybe that can assist with how you discuss this with him, in written or verbal language.

CW

language is worrisome to me - deeply so.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

language is worrisome to me - deeply so.

and opportunities for you both to talk through & grow closer.

How so? You made this statement on another thread? Language, written or verbal is the only way you can communicate with another person, so that you can talk it through... Depends on the comfortability at that point in time, as to where you start, written, or verbal.....

CW

[jss2000]

Dear where2go,
You sound extremely agitated and upset. At times like this its easy to get scatter-brained and feel like you can't talk about your problem without becoming a blubbering mess! (does that sound about right?) That's okay--it's really not a problem.

If you want to have a talk with your boyfriend, my first advice to you is... sit down and take a deep breath. Several of them. For more help with relaxation, (GOOGLE) for (free) audio-recorded relaxation mini-sessions:

After you've done a little relaxing...grab a piece of paper. Or your personal journal if you keep one. Now try to wrap your mind and heart around this problem, in the safety of your room. Think about what you want to say--jot down the main points. See if that doesn't help guide your conversation with your BF, and help you feel a little more effective.

Also, if you have longstanding issues of low SE/depression and social anxiety/struggling with social skills, consider finding a good therapist to work with. You could also start with a good self-help book like David Burn's "Feeling Good" for depression/anxiety. If you think you are lacking in social skills, and/or have had difficulties with communication and social interactions since childhood, try a book like Jed Baker's "Social Skills Picture Book for High School and Beyond." It breaks down social situations such as how to start and maintain a good conversation--into specific steps, in a way that could be very confidence boosting. Amazon.com and other such online stores carry these sorts of books, if you are interested.

[Guest]

How so? You made this statement on another thread? Language, written or verbal is the only way you can communicate with another person, so that you can talk it through... Depends on the comfortability at that point in time, as to where you start, written, or verbal.....

CW

Where language can communicate on so many levels, but to start depends and so many variables are at stake. Objectivity and having the license to move forward. Feeling moved as such...

[SayAnything66]

wow

Omg I wish we can talk face to face. Right now i cheated on my of 5 years with my boss. I just turned 24 and my boss is 40. It happened last september 3 times. I have always had issues with self esteem as well, and not to sound vain but I am very attractive. I shouldnthave any reason to be upset about the way I look, but when my bf doesnt pay attention and is not there for me to reassure me, I get nervous and anxious. We also had a dry spell where we didnt have sex and I thought he wasnt attracted to me and felt so down.

I DO FEEL GUILTY about what I have done and I wish I can take it back. I ended up telling him about it, Ihe forced me to quit my job( I didnt want to given the way the economy is) but he is ****ed and I understand why.

I am just as lost, I know he loves me, he is still here but he isupset the "purity" of our relationship is lost. I still dont know why I went through with it. My boss made me feel amazing and put me on this pedestal and I just got too high and caught up.

I dont know what will happen and how we will end up, but I am nervous bc I dont want to lose him. We have talked, I answered his questions as much as I could but sometimes he freaks out and I dotn know what to say or do...I know I am of no help but I am in the same boat you are

[Guest]

so by wanting to reconcile... he broke up with you?
if thats the case,i would just let it go. its been over a year.its a live and learn scenerio...you destroyed a 22 year relationship by being unfaithful,and he chose to end it.what would you have done if he had not caught you out? would you have continued your affair,or ended it?
as the song goes "your only sorry you got caught"
let him find someone else,and i suggest you do the same.

[Tod121]

Hi, not wishing to hi-jack this thread but does "low self-esteem" and "social anxiety" mean you are more likely to have an affair? I am reasonably confident with most things but my wife hates socialising and seems to have a faily low self-esteem about herself since having kids and loosing her figure (Before you ask, I easy comment how good she looks but she never seems to believe me) and I know that she is a bored house wife with fantasies of day-time sex and as I work 9-5 I worry about her hooking up with a single dad when she drops the kids off at school.

[LanaBear]

Old thread. Poster hasn't been back.

Closed.