[Celeste]

It's been a little while since I've posted! Nice to be back Long post here. there will probably be misconceptions about what I've wrote, and i'll clear them up if there are.

Lots has happened to me recently with my personal relationships. Around Thanksgiving this year, I really realized that for several reasons I had become unhappy/unsatisfied with my long term boyfriend. I LOVE him, I still do, but i was becoming bored and unsatisfied sexually and mentally. We have been together for 4 1/2 years, all through college. Now it is my senior year, I will be graduating this may and I have 18 hours of classes and a senior art show to produce before graduation. lots of stress needless to say. He's a great guy. He never smothered me, he was never possessive or controlling. It's in my head. I just felt a serious need for space and independence, and I didn't want my unrest to devastate a good relationship. I realized I'd been a bit unsatisfied or a few months now.

I am simply an extremely independently minded person, and I started to feel smothered anyway. I felt incredibly guilty, because I didn't have a very definitive reason for going on a break in the relationship, which is what I ultimately told him I needed. I told him I just needed some space, and some independent time to concentrate on school work and art work and be studious. It's easier for me to do that if I'm single, and feel more introverted. Plus, I had become significantly less interested in him sexually, I guess because I just got bored. He's pretty good in bed, we always had a pretty good sex life, it just had been going downhill for me. It got to the point that I was uninterested enough to have trouble lubricating (which I NEVER have a problem with if I am into it) and my mind would wonder during, so I thought ok, something needs to change if this relationship is going to survive on an intimate level later.

I felt great after telling him how I felt and getting some space. I just needed mental space, you know? I needed to FEEL and KNOW that I am a single woman and my life is my life. We have lived together, paid bills together, got the puppy and the cat and the groceries and done the whole bit for 3 years. Maybe I jumped into the whole thing young? I'm 23 now. I just felt like I needed to experience more things, other people, other places, and I like doing things on my own and just feeling independent. A class trip to new york city to view art museums and a couple of other experiences helped to bring my unrest up to the surface.

I love long term relationships. And this has been a REALLY good one. But something was obviously off. We never fought a lot, I can count on one hand the number of actual stupid, irrational arguments we ever had. We are good friends. But I was unsatisfied...it's hard even for me to pinpoint why.

We still live together and even sleep in the same bed. We however are not having sex, though we may lay with our arms around each other some nights. I feel very guilty, because he still wants to be intimate though he is respecting my wishes. I told him we can sleep seperatley if that would make things easier, and we almost did, but decided that we were both OK with the setup.

I've seen 2 guys a little since we went on a break, both not long term candidates for me. One is too clingy, the other is too aloof. Go figure lol.

I don't know why I cannot figure out whether or not my main guy will work out from here on. Is it possible to simply fall out of love with some one? Without any real, definite problem? We don't fight a lot. We don't cheat on each other. We don't lie to each other. We talk a lot. We have similar interests and can live together with ease. So what's my problem? I feel very guilty, I hate to hurt him. He loves me the same way he always did. I love him just as much as I always have, but I suppose in different ways. I wish I could make myself be madly into him...but it just seems to be dying off.

We are atill planning on moving to PA together after i graduate this may to attend graduate school. I've asked him that if he were single would those still be his plans, independent of me? He says yes. I plan on asking him again and having an in depth conversation with him about it, to make sure its what we should do if the situation is still as it is now, which I predict it will be.

I guess I'm just getting this off of my chest. I have friends I can talk to and my mother, but they all know both os us and are biased one way or the other. They tell me do what makes me happy, number one. I'm trying to, with the most minimal pain to him. I don't want to lose him as a friend, that's for sure. It is nice to just unload on helpful people who like to listen who are totally unremoved from the situation. .

I don't know if it's ok for us to go on living and moving around as we are, even if we remain on our break. But why not? If we are both OK with it...however will we be if we begin to seriously see somebody else? I seriously doubt it. I'm not ready to totally let him go, that's for sure. But I don't know if it will ever be like it was again, simply because of my unrest. It's kind of my nature. I don't like it sometimes, because I don't like to hurt people who love me. But then again that is who I am and I am secure with that. We are in a limbo area, and I guess it will just take us a little while to find out where we need to be...

[Hopeless Dork]

Sounds like somewhere a long the line he fell into the friend zone in your eyes, even though neither of you set out to be that way. If you know in your heart he is not the one and you know he is still very much and love and thinks you are, its going to take some soul searching to decide how to proceed. And wish you all the best with that. I respect your courage and honesty to be able to tell him the ways you feel or don't so that he can make an informed decision on how he wants to proceed.

But to be honest, that may not be enough. Some people, when so in love, will still hold out hope and that sounds like what he is doing. He sounds like he is putting off the pain of having you out of his bed entirely so is willing to settle for occasional cuddles.. the same so many women on this forum talk about doing with their SO's.

If you know you won't ever get back with him, it may be necessary for you to cut the strings a little bit more than you have, not to say you can't be the best of friends, but sharing a bed with someone that is so in love with you , and you are not.. isn't fair to them in the long run. Right now his romantic life is on hold, he wont meet that special someone that will love him the way he loves you while he is still in your bed. No woman would understand your set up and fall for him while hes wrapped up in you and still technically sleeping with you.

Also you, as you begin to explore other men and maybe end up meeting the "one" your current tied up situation may put them off as well. It sounds like you have your head screwed on straight and are a fair and decent person. I am sure you will manage a way to work out what is best for both of you..in the long term and short.

And yes it is possible to fall out of love with someone for no reason at all, it may or may not be the case here. Sometimes people just miss the newness and excitement of a new relationship and after 4 years or so it does grow stale, some people stick it out and try to renew those feelings, some are unable to and move on to another until the same cycle begins again. Neither is bad, its just how different people deal.

[kms]

I think you need to have complete space from him, at least for a while, to completely separate yourself from him and have the time that you need to be on your own. Through that time you may realize that you could never live without him - or, you could realize that life on your own is much better. Even though you're taking a break, you're still very much involved with him - you see him every day, you interact with him constantly and even still sleep with him... it would be hard to think clearly when he's still a huge part of your life. Perhaps that's what he needs as well. He could be so attached to the thought of you (faithful girlfriend, close friend, constant companion) that he's not able to see clearly either.

You could achieve complete space by moving out, or going somewhere for spring break by yourself, or taking the summer to travel or do something on your own... any number of things. I think it's difficult to have a true 'break' though when you're still living together.

[jss2000]

Funny, but it sounds like you and your BF are experiencing what most married couples slip into after a year or so of sharing everything--home, bed, and everything else that comes with these. It's really a pretty natural thing--newness and excitement give way to routine, and we can lose our curiosity about the fabulous person we're with and what makes him/her tick. Some married folks see that this is happening, and they panic--passion used to come so easily--and question whether they are still made for each other. This even in the absence of substantial conflict. Some decide their commitment to each other was a mistake.

The problem with breaking things off when you hit relationship doldrums IMHO is that a) the beautiful relationship you have is, in nearly all regards, working great! Passion and excitement, the missing ten percent, require only a little tweaking-- regaining curiosity and thoughtfulness for each other. Reason b) is, once you've reached the point where you want a lifelong commitment--marriage and family--then seeking out a new relationship after the last relationship's euphoria wears off is... well, a bit of a setback.
And a self-imposed one. Because, really, if you and your man (this one or a future one) know you want to grow old together, it's generally not too complicated to make that happen.

[Celeste]

Lots of good thoughts/advice, thanks so much! I agree that its difficult to actually be on a "break" and still be living together. I've been out with friends a lot more then often without him, and going to visit my parents every other weekend which has helped. Actually my spring break is coming up and though we will be together the first 3 days of it, the rest of the week I will be out of town seeing a much anticipated for concert, so that will be good for both of us!

I could see it, as of now, going either way with us. I think I will implicate a little more space so that yes, we can both think more clearly and let the answers in easier...

[Ashlee T.]

Celeste, sometimes I find myself in a situation that I should be absolutely thrilled with. One that has everything I thought I always wanted.....but find myself suddenly not wanting it anymore...wanting something different.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you seem very mature and level headed. I dated the same guy all through college and a year after. Was gonna marry him.. loved him...loved his family. But there was something missing...and as I got out of college and found my independance, I LOVED IT. I would sit and imagine where all I could live, and what my career path would be, and all the people I'd meet. but I knew if I stayed with him, in "safe zone"..... I'd stay right where I was for the rest of my life. So I had to ask myself "will I be happy with this?" and the answer was no.

I think it's natural to seek that independance, that solitude, that "me" time. It's a time for spiritual growth....and maybe that's exactly what you're craving? A time for growth, learning about oneself? Often times, after periods of self learning, the things we WANT in someone else change...the things we want in a relationship change.

I think you're being honest with this guy, which is great. And part of u is afraid if you let him go, you'll regret it later and he won't be there. But it sounds like this guy loves you alot and will probably do whatever it is you need him to do. I agree with the others, more space is necessary to get a better picture. Move out, have your time, and I'm confident it'll all be MUCH clearer for you then.

[jss2000]

Celeste,
I like the thoughts on not living together in order to make a long-term relationship decision. To add another reason for taking this approach, think of how much more difficult it is to end a relationship while you're living together.

You get used to each other's presence, you pay the bills together, all your stuff is in the same place... for some couples, shacking up before getting hitched leads to them getting hitched for all the wrong reasons (used to each other, bills, inconvenient to move out). Or they just keep on living together, missing better relationship prospects that are out there. Whatever you decide to do with this one, freeing yourself from the joint-residence baggage will make choosing (based on what you really want) a little easier.