[higherroad]

kms

i was also very upfront with her about the dynamics of my marriage. she was threatened by my ex, who has bpd and i have detached from. i went through a custody battle and have custody of my two boys.

i was very upfront with her about being a recovered codependent and expressing that i would not fall into the same routine of rescuing or controlling in this relationship.

i guess where i am really disappointed is i put so much into this from my standpoint of making this healthy after what i learned from my marriage and extensive counseling.

i just picked the wrong partner. again.

[kms]

higherroad,

I think it would be easy to feel disappointed and angry with yourself for picking the wrong partner 'again', as you said. But it seems that there are a lot of things different this time around, right? For one, you're recognizing red flags - whereas you were oblivious before. You also haven't married her and had kids with her, like you did last time. It's important to remember that once we recognize a weakness or a fault we have, we won't automatically change 100% for the better overnight. It's a process, as you know very well with working with a therapist - it takes time. From a cognitive-behavioral standpoint, changing your thoughts doesn't automatically change your behavior simultaneously. Your behavior will be influenced yes, but changing behavior takes time and practice, and learning new skills. Which means that you may still make mistakes here and there along the way, but if you're truly trying and are invested in changing yourself, the mistakes won't be quite as grave each time around.

You seem to be understanding the theory behind all of this very well, of how you are attracted to 'needy' BPD-type women, but putting the theory into action is a completely different thing - it's hard, and it takes practice. You'll fall down, make mistakes, slip up - but you're learning and changing all the while. Don't be hard on yourself. See what has been different, better this time around. Evaluate what mistakes you made this time and resolve to look out for these pitfalls in the future - but keep a balanced perspective. Allow yourself to see both the positive steps you've made, and what you can do better next time.

[higherroad]

thanks i needed that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know higherroad,

You can tell someone anything and it doesn't mean they will listen...

She probably also wanted someone grounded, not controlling, or nurtering and so agreed with you on the inset.
..
Her problems are deep if her parents almost hold her responsible or if they have their dreams of what they wanted their son to do as well as their daughter and load that all on to her, but it's not your problem. If, from that information she can't see that she needs to break away for a bit from them and seek personal assistance, then you can't do anything.

You shouldn't feel disappointed at all... You have a heart and as such you chose this person on the inset but with hope and you may have thought you were stronger at the time and wouldn't fall backwards, but you weren't.

It's all life's learnings and so now you know that you "definately" want a partner that is grounded, no baggage and that can stand on her own two feet, as you thought..

It's only a lesson or a step in the right direction of knowing.... you.... and what you are after this time....

As such, you will not go down that path again, I imagine and you won't need to tell someone you have no intentions of doing so, you will automatically, see it in front of you and not head down that path.

Don't beat yourself up.

Grow from this experience and on to the next.

CW

[higherroad]

cw, i felt i just lost myself.

but i will be back, and a bit stronger for it.

thanks for your help.

cw & kms

do you think i could have been jealous because i felt that she was not over her affair yet? a very tough pill to swallow and hard to confront honestly.

is there a big attachment when someone saves you as he did after her suicide attempt?

[higherroad]

i have come to the realization of 4 days of grieving that why i got so upset was that her past relationship was sick, twisted and unhealthy.

and in a way it made me feel so was ours. and it was.

right now i just feel dirty. cant think of a better word.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

i have come to the realization of 4 days of grieving that why i got so upset was that her past relationship was sick, twisted and unhealthy.

and in a way it made me feel so was ours. and it was.

right now i just feel dirty. cant think of a better word.

Wow higherroad that's not where you want to be seriously...

I don't think jealousy is it.. Rather, you haven't gotten over you being the saviour and so, knowing someone else did, is hard for you to fathom, I think...

Also, he "may" have saved her, or he may have simply instigated thoughts for his own benefit which resulted in sexual intimacy in his favour, who knows why he did what he did but to her, he probably saved her.

I think any Woman whom is needing something that wasn't given and then is given, she will have some form of "respect" for that man.

You were worried about her being too needy, too emotionally troubled it seems now you are wanting to be that saviour whom you were in your past, whom you state you don't want to be again, rather be with someone who is grounded this time round.

Don't allow someone to take you back to your past, you are living in your present if this is the effect she has on you, move on now before you go backwards young man.

CW

[higherroad]

wow cw, and i thought i had it all figured out and felt much better.

i truly didnt want to be the savior, but rather her being needed to be saved and classifying that as love scared the heck out of me. and it was playing out again with me. i thought it would be different.

its ironic in alice millers "drama of the gifted child" it talks about men sexually exploiting vulnerable women. she goes on to state that the idea that they had been betrayed and their longing for love had been exploited never occurred to them. the only path available to them was to idealize the seducer, the big friend, savior, teacher and to be addicted to a certain form of sexual behavior.

there was a lot of damage there. it was just the realization that our relationship was just a really bad dance.

i've been through this before in separating from a bpd, and the turning point comes for me at least when i realized that.

i am definatly moving forward but at the same time realize it will take me some time to heal as i feel i have had my self esteem just drained from me.

[WildChild]

Didn't care much for that book but that part does ring true. Been there.

[higherroad]

and most importantly have lost some faith in myself to make good relationship decisions.

i thought i was ready and healthy, but realized no matter how much i learned about them i couldn't make someone else ready and healthy.